Some of you may remember that when I lived on the farm I had a problem with groundhogs. After years of dealing with it, we finally moved, and sure enough, here at the new house on top of Memorial Hill, we don’t have any problems with the disgusting rodents, anymore.
Unfortunately we have another difficulty, and I’m kind of pissed at the previous owners for not having disclosed it on the seller’s disclosure.
You see, they told us that since we are at the top of a hill we wouldn’t have any problems with drainage, but this turns not to be completely factual.
Memorial Hill where I live is just down the street from the old abandoned Necrochem plant, which was shut down 20 years ago. There was a Superfund cleanup and we had soil testing done to make sure that it was a good safe place to live, and all the results came back negative.
We like the neighborhood, because it’s so quiet and peaceful and picturesque. Not being superstitious people, and having learned a healthy skepticism from my time on the SDMB, I decided to take advantage of the depressed real estate prices here on Memorial Hill. People just don’t seem comfortable living next to a cemetary.
It really didn’t affect this house we bought though. Most of the new excavations occured on the West side of the Hill. We’re just past the crest of the hill on the East Side, so unless you were looking you wouldn’t even know that there was a cemetary right behind us.
We have a great view and a beautiful house at a very reasonable price, and the summer and most of the fall has been very pleasant.
We’ve had a lot of rainfall recently though, and it turns out that drainage is indeed a problem. I’m guessing that Memorial Hill has gotten some seepage contamination from the old Necrochem plant, and we’ve had some problems with the dead coming back to life and attempting to eat our brains.
At first, I considered this Zombie problem to be somewhat minor. It turns out that what what we were previously told about the property wasn’t true and it seems that there were some burials in the past on our side of the hill. We got living dead of two varieties. The first seem to come from graves that were disturbed from landscaping equiptment. Maybe the grave covers were moved and the living dead somehow got free. These were no problem because the excavation equiptment severely damaged the corpses and they weren’t capable of much locomotion. They were pretty pathetic and comical in fact, and it was the matter of little trouble to get up early on a Saturday morning and put a bullet through their rotten skulls.
The other variety were very old corpses, from graves without covers. These were able to clamber out of the ground, and moved around quite easily. However the bodies were so decomposed that just a whack with a baseball bat would pretty much disintegrate them into dust. You could smell them coming quite easily, and their scratchy cries of “Brains! brains!” always served as a warning. The dog would pretty much take care of these.
After a month or so we got them all without too much difficulty, and we settled down to enjoy our new home.
Unfortunately, we’ve had more and more seepage and we’re starting to get the occasional zombie from the west side of the hill wandering over here.
I guess like anything else, the key to good zombie protection is early detection and preventative maintenance, something that our local municipality seems to have been lax on.
Additionally, some of our less wary and irresponsible neighbors failed to act prudently in the face of the zombie infestation and have succumbed. This of course has a cascade effect, as they become zombies too.
This doesn’t make too much sense to me. It should be pretty simple. Zombies want to eat brains, right? But, if you shoot a zombie in the head, or destroy its brain it dies again, right? Naturally you would figure that if somebody got caught by a zombie it wouldn’t be a problem. The zombie would eat the brains of the person it killed and that would be that. No more new zombies would come and as long as you worked diligently to kill the original zombies the infestation would be localized.
Unfortunately some of my neighbors seem to be getting themselves killed in a fashion that is preserving their skullcases so that they also end up turning into zombies, and the problem is growing exponentially.
I know tha seems counterintuitive, but I live in a small town, and let’s face it, there’s a lot of trailer trash here, and we all know about their brains, don’t we? I figure all the gasoline they’ve been huffing has somehow turned the zombies off their brains. They can sense that they’re of poor quality, and leave them intact, and next thing you know, the whole trailer park is full of zombies.
In other words, nothing much has changed over in the trailer park except that instead of going to the local Turkey Hill for a six pack and some Marshamllow Rice Krispie Treats they seem to wander over to my place looking for living brains.
Then, I guess there’s been the occasional zombie induced accident, like when the local schoolbus carrying the football team and cheerleaders overturned and caught fire while training dodge a living dead corpse. Those have been a pain in the ass to nail because some of them are still wearing their helmets over their rotten burned flesh, and it’s tough to get a headshot.
So, we’ve been thinking about moving again, but of course real estate is depressed, and things didn’t work out to well when the property got attacked by zombies during a showing. After I shot the real estate agent and the zombified buyers, and cleaned out the house it took a lot of doing to get a new agent.
I’ve gotten pretty good at dealing with the problem, so I guess we can stay here. It’s tough though with the living dead setting off the security lights at all hours of the evening, and you never sleep well hearing the trapped zombies crying for brains as they scrabble fruitlessly to dig themselves out of their concrete grave covers. You wouldn’t think the noise would carry, but there’s a couple of thousand corpses buried on this hill, and when they’re all clamoring for brains it gets to be quite a racket.
You can only take so much before you go out there and pound the ground with a shoe and tell them to shut the fuck up.
Anyway, it was in that careless moment that I got bit by this dried out husk of a zombie which must have been right there on the ground. It was right there where it had just dug itself out, nothing more than a head and a shoulder and an arm really, but the damn thing scratched me on the ankle with a rotten molar.
I cleaned out the wouldn, but it still seems to be getting necrous and black.
Anyway, my questin is what if any legal action can I pursue against the previous owners for their nondisclosure of the zombie infestation potential, and is there anything better for this little wound than Neosporin?
Thanks for the help.
