Miscarriage - Trying again and timing (May be sensitive for some)

In My Humble Opinion
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I agree with genie, rather devoutly religious sort, but totally put off by the sacchrine sweetness absurdity on other loss/pregnancey boards. Also most of mine were years ago, before we had a computer here at home.

1. How many miscarriages have you had? 5 at least

** Did you already have children when you experienced the miscarriage?** No for the first, yes for the rest.

**2. How far along were you? **10 weeks, 16 weeks, 11 weeks and under 10 weeks for the rest.

**3. Did you seek medical treatment? ** Yes **If so, did you have any surgery? ** No

**3a. If you had a ‘missed miscarriage’, did you feel anything out of the ordinary that would indicate the baby was no longer viable? n/a

4. What are your prospects for trying again? Or, if you did try again (and again, and again), were you able to carry a baby to term? We obviously did the again and again thing.

The first I was just realizing I might be pregnant when I started with the spotting and cramping. Then I had a normal pregnacy that brought our first son.

The second we had known awhile and told everyone. I felt ill like a bad flu for a couple of days and then with the spotting and cramping.

Third was like the first in a way, by then I knew enough to know what was happening. My mother was visiting. She and I were alone in the house and and I started screaming for her that it was happening again. I called the doctor went to bed and went into the doctor for the ultrasound the next morning. He confirmed my fears, but continued quite awhile with the exam. Eventually he turned on the sound and said, “Hear that? It’s a heartbeat. The tissue indicates you’re losing one, but there’s another heartbeat.” (It did not sound like a heartbealt like you hear later in pregancy, more of a faint whooshing.) Stayed in bed for a few weeks and eventually gave birth to my second son. A truly beautiful child. At twenty months he was diagnosed with leukemia and died just before his second birthday. I was so delighted to still be pregnant I didn’t grieve the miscarriage until he died.

**4a. How long after your miscarriage did you begin trying again? ** Three months.
**How long was it before you were pregnant again?**Never less than a year, except for the time I remained pregnant mentioned above.

**5. If applicable, please explain how your subsequent (after the loss) pregnancy was stress-wise. Did you find yourself very worried? If so, what did you find was helpful? ** I did not worry after the first so much. So many people I knew had said they miscarried the first, I just thought it was fairly common. I once I passed the three month march with our oldest I didn’t worry. The rest were quite stressful. We decided not to tell family we were pregnant until after the 5 month. The last one (maybe two) I never even told hubby because they were less than 10 weeks.

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1. How many miscarriages have you had? Did you already have children when you experienced the miscarriage?

I’ve had two. I had two kids when I had the first m/c and three kids when I had the second.

2. How far along were you?

About 8 weeks with the first; just three or four with the second.
3. Did you seek medical treatment? If so, did you have any surgery?

I had a D&C for the first one, but with the second one I wasn’t positive I was pregnant until I miscarried.
**3a. If you had a ‘missed miscarriage’, did you feel anything out of the ordinary that would indicate the baby was no longer viable? **

With my first miscarriage, I wasn’t surprised when it happened. The pregnancy just didn’t feel “right” to me.
**4. What are your prospects for trying again? Or, if you did try again (and again, and again), were you able to carry a baby to term? **

We’re not having more kids (hubby was snipped), but I was able to carry a baby to full term after the first miscarriage. The second pregnancy/miscarriage was unplanned, and hubby had the vasectomy shortly after.
4a. How long after your miscarriage did you begin trying again? How long was it before you were pregnant again?

We started trying again a month later and I was pregnant two months later.

5. If applicable, please explain how your subsequent (after the loss) pregnancy was stress-wise. Did you find yourself very worried? If so, what did you find was helpful?

I was a little worried at first, and they performed vagina ultrasounds for the first few check-ups to make sure everything was OK. I wasn’t too stressed once I was past the first trimester.
Sheri

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**1. How many miscarriages have you had? Did you already have children when you experienced the miscarriage? **

I’ve had three miscarriages, alternating with three full term pregnancies, so I had one, two, and three children respectively.

**2. How far along were you? **

1st and 3rd, around 8 weeks. 2nd, 12 weeks.
**3. Did you seek medical treatment? If so, did you have any surgery? **

I went to the ER with the 1st two. I had a d&c with the second. With the 3rd, I knew what what going on, and knew that there was basically no hope, so I just waited it out at home.

**3a. If you had a ‘missed miscarriage’, did you feel anything out of the ordinary that would indicate the baby was no longer viable? **

With the first, I never had any morning sickness, which I didn’t realize was a bad sign until I began spotting.

With the second, I had all sorts of symptoms - spotting, cramping, intermittent spiking fevers.

With the third, I had morning sickness, but also had a sinking feeling that it just wasn’t going to work out somehow.

**4. What are your prospects for trying again? Or, if you did try again (and again, and again), were you able to carry a baby to term? **

I tried immediately after each one except the last, and was able to carry both pregnancies to term.

**4a. How long after your miscarriage did you begin trying again? How long was it before you were pregnant again? **

Started trying immediately. As I understood it, the only reason to wait was to accurately date the subsequent pregnancy, and I felt like we could work that issue out later. The important thing to me was to get pregnant again as soon as I could.

I actually got pregnant within two months the first time, and it took about four for the second.

5. If applicable, please explain how your subsequent (after the loss) pregnancy was stress-wise. Did you find yourself very worried? If so, what did you find was helpful?

I was very stressed with the first post-miscarriage pregnancy. I had a very hard time relaxing during sex, for example. Once I heard the heartbeat, though, I relaxed considerably. With the second, I just had a feeling that this one was healthy.

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Does anyone want to list things that helped them after the loss? What you did to work through things, what helped? (And hey, let’s not forget to tell about the awful things people said.)

Anahita, C3, do you want to know about that kind of thing? I’d be happy to tell a little about that, if anyone wants to know.

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Ladies, I just want to tell all of you that I have never met a stronger, more resilient bunch of women.

(((((to All ))))))))))

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This last month has been one of great difficulty. Hubby Kal has shared with many the troubles we’ve had: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=135417

Whilst this is extememly difficult to read about, it is somewhat therapeutic. Not having anyone with whom I could discuss ‘womanly’ things ever since our problems began 2 years ago, I find a thread such as this useful.

Thank you all for sharing, I’m sorry for all of your losses. Sending big hugs to everyone.

::taking deep breath and grabbing a tissue::

1. How many miscarriages have you had? Did you already have children when you experienced the miscarriage?

We have had 6 miscarriages - 5 pregnancies, this last was with twins, lost 4 weeks apart.

2. How far along were you?

The 1st was just at 12 weeks, lost 2 weeks before Christmas 2000. The 2nd in April 2001 at 6 weeks and the 3rd in July also at about 6 weeks. The 4th in October at about 10 weeks. Twin 1 lost 25 August 2002 and Twin 2 on 22 September (last Sunday) 2002 - he was between 10.5 and 12 weeks (doctors could not agree on exact age).

3. Did you seek medical treatment? If so, did you have any surgery?

With the 1st we were a bit late in getting to the doctor and ended up passing the baby naturally. Had a scan day after seeing the doctor, but was told the womb was clean so no surgery required.

The 2nd, 3rd and 4th I knew what was happening, so just settled in for the storm, bit my lip, drank lots of tea (English valium) and passed them on my own.

The 5th I was in the US visiting my terminally ill father. I was in the ER with him, feeling quite ill myself, when the nurse asked what was wrong with me. As soon as I said what was up, I was rushed in as well. The scan verified twin one had been passed (didn’t know it was twins though at the time so at least there was a bit of good news at the time) but that twin two was looking fine and dandy.

The 6th, twin two, I began bleeding last Sunday night and was admitted straight away. This Monday morning I was scanned and a few hours later scheduled for a D&E. When my husband arrived home after spending all day at the hospital with me, he found that the $1600 bill for my treatment in the US had arrived. Somewhat ironic timing.

3a. If you had a ‘missed miscarriage’, did you feel anything out of the ordinary that would indicate the baby was no longer viable?

After reading a couple of these experiences, looking back, I realise my craving for spicy stuff had decreased the day before.

Having had such difficulties previously, and not having a clue what was a normal pregnancy, every little twinge, ache and pain I was sure meant something horrible was impending.

4/4a. What are your prospects for trying again? Or, if you did try again (and again, and again), were you able to carry a baby to term?

We have been letting Nature take her course - neither actively timing things nor preventing anything. After each loss it was a matter of when we felt ready.

This loss is hitting extremely hard. We’ve yet to even contemplate any physicality, let alone trying again.

5. If applicable, please explain how your subsequent (after the loss) pregnancy was stress-wise. Did you find yourself very worried? If so, what did you find was helpful?

Each one has been filled with worry, stress, frustration and grief. Especially this one as I had been so careful about everything - taking folic acid for a year now, no booze, no yummy soft cheeses… etc. I had been so good.

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[hijack]

Just need to tell my wife how brave I think she is for posting - And that I love her very much.

Ke kommipenl’om minaw

{{{{{Washte}}}}}

[/hijack]

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Oh, I understand that feeling. I kept saying to my husband that there are people who shoot up heroin and still can get through a pregnancy. I ate right, took my vitamins, cut out all the alcohol and caffeine, etc., etc. Why couldn’t this just work for us? It’s so hard to accept that it was nothing you did. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through.

I would like to hear things that helped people. One thing that helped me a lot right after the miscarriage was talking about the medical aspects of what happened. It seemed like all my friends were walking on eggshells around me and I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable, either, by bringing it all up. When I talked to a couple girlfriends about the clinical stuff, they seemed more responsive and it allowed me to actually talk about it.

My husband’s response was also a huge help to my state of mind. He didn’t really know how to react, so he went into Protector mode. He took it upon himself to make the phone calls and break the news. He also screened our social calendar…if we were invited to a party where there were going to be a bunch of babies or where our pregnant friends were (at least during the first month or so), he made excuses and declined invitations. He sort of kept people away from me, which for me was really good. I wasn’t handling small talk and social stuff very well for a few weeks, the sobbing and all, you know.

This thread has also really encouraged me (my husband, too…I told him some of your stories last night). So many of you have gotten pregnant so quickly afterwards and had healthy kids! We even pulled the baby name book out and threw some ideas around.

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OK. I suppose the main thing that helped was, as others have said, talking to people, esp. women who had been through it themselves–and yes, the medical stuff. Most of these people (for me) turned out to be at church. Neither my mom or my MIL ever had problems, and I had always assumed I would have it easy too. I had no idea that miscarriages were so common. Also, only about half of my friends had had kids at that point, and none had trouble. But there were several women at church who had lost babies (two were pregnant), and they were so great. One was so empathetic, and wrote me a note that was a huge comfort. She also saved me from a couple of awkward situations. Another had lost two–and C3, she now has 2 healthy kids!–and we sat around complaining about her 16-yo cousin who had a baby without even trying (like C3’s heroin addicts!), and so on. Another was the sort of person who really ought to have 6 kids, and can’t have any. On Mother’s Day–3 weeks after my D&E–we all stood out in the hall and had a Mother’s Day hate fest, and it was just so great.

(At the same time, church could be really hard on me; there was this one woman who had a baby at the same time, and was always sitting right in front of us…she didn’t know, and I just hated her. And the mentally disabled woman who kept asking me when I was going to have a baby like everyone else…)

One thing that I really recommend is to take a vacation. Get away from home, and family, and all that stuff that just reminds you every single day, and go somewhere else completely, even if you sleep on someone’s floor. We went to New York, and it was wonderful for us; I managed to just forget about all of it, and quit obsessing about getting pregnant, and enjoy things. It was a huge weight off my back, for a little while.

Having a lot of work to do helped me–I was in school and then at work, and it was good. At first, it was a blessing in disguise–we found out that things were going wrong a week or so before my thesis was due. I had to finish the paper or face another semester at school, and you only get two chances, so it would be dangerous. It was necessary to put everything aside to concentrate, and I think that helped me process things. But later on, work was good–as long as it wasn’t frustrating, because I fell apart much more easily.

My husband was great too. He reacted with depression at work, but was very supportive and stuff. Let me cry on his shoulder a lot…

Sorry about the length of my ramblings.

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My miscarriage was at 7 weeks. After several weeks of cramping and spotting but no spontaneous discharge I had a D&C. We are currently 6 months pregnant after 11 months of unprotected sex (no charting, etc). After my miscarriage I was pretty disgusted at my body’s ineptitude; I had absolutely no confidence I would get pregnant again (I’ve always have had very irregular periods) or carry a healthy infant to term. I am constantly amazed that my baby is still alive (I don’t know what I’ll be thinking when he will no longer have the room to squirm around all the time) and I still worry that something will go horribly wrong (watching Maternity Ward probably doesn’t help). Apparently these thoughts are quite common.

I’m a very private, even closed-off, kind of person, so the inevitable onslaught of “helpful” advice of “it’s better the baby died, as it probably had some terrible genetic abnormality” or “you’re so young, you’ll have tons of kids,” made me really angry. My sister-in-law getting pregnant at the same time I miscarried certainly didn’t help either, so I limited my contact with her, which I now regret. Like Anahita, I tried reading pregnancy loss support boards, but stuff like “angel babies,” “baby dust,” and “baby dancing” really turned me off. What helped me most were people, including my husband, letting me have time to grieve alone and my position established before my miscarriage that not being able to give birth to biological children would not interfere with my general contentment with life and ability to mother non-biological children (I understand and respect that not everyone has similar viewpoints). By the time my due date came and went I was pretty much recovered, and being in a healthy pregnancy has certainly improved my outlook considerably. Writing this made me realize how much I internalize psychological pain; thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent.

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C3, I have had all the typical grieving thoughts pummeling my brain for the last 5 days now… complete ineptitude as a mother, wife, and woman in general. The self-blame. All that jazz…

My younger sister had 2 kids by the time she was 21, then, thank the Gods, had her tubes tied. She is one of these drug addicted, alcohol dependent, mentally unstable people who really does not deserve kids… she didn’t even want them… Heck, I’ve raised them longer than she has! But anyway… why get myself more upset? ::deep breath::

It is extremely frustrating when you stop to consider all these young women who get pregnant and don’t want their children. What upsets me even more, especially after the last 2 years of grief, are the number of babies that are just abandoned in dumpsters, bus stations and the such. Especially when there are those of us who desire so strongly to have children, but can’t carry to full term… Just disgusting and so bloody frustrating.

genie, I can imagine it must be easier to speak with people. My mom is in Oregon, so we just exchange emails and phone calls occasionally. My MIL… well… I just don’t feel comfortable discussing personally things with her… Since I’ve not been in the UK long, I’ve not formed very close relationships with other women, so I have no one to talk with. All my medical info has come from the net… but it gets tough when, as a lot of you say, all you get are the angel baby garbage. For me, this just makes it worse. Let me form my own damned images and supportive thoughts… don’t tell me what to think and imagine… ya’know? ARGH! I have also found that unless you can find a medical school site, much of the info comes from abortion/pro-choice sites or churchy sites. I just want the facts people! I want to know what was done to me, and what I can expect. What is happening with my body… all this kind of stuff… I don’t want to ‘click here’ to be added to a bloody prayer circle… sheesh!

This is why I found this thread useful. Even though it is extremely tough to read, it offers some relief in knowing I am certainly not alone and my grief is ever so relative. Many of you have had a much harder time than I.

Kal has been wonderful. He is ever so supportive (read Full Protector Mode) and provides me all the shoulder and sounding board opportunities I need.

The scan tech showed me my baby on Monday as she was explaining there was no longer a heartbeat. So every time I close my eyes, this is the image I see… His big beautiful body, his ickle fingers and toes… He was so wonderful… But no longer alive… Kal helped diminish the horrible feeling this image gives me by sharing with me how he has been dealing with this latest tragedy. He imagines each of our kiddies with my father, out fishing somewhere (on the other side), like ickle Huck Finns… Barefoot, Dungerees, and a fishin’ pole. Making me Dad pay for each worm they find… Just being happy little, obnoxious kids :slight_smile:

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Yeah, Washte, I know what you mean. Though it must be a lot worse for you (:(). I also found it easier to speak with people I wasn’t quite so close to for awhile. Though I’m probably not so reserved as Romola up there, I am very private and can’t stand to talk about feelings or let people see me cry, and when this all happened, I didn’t want anyone to know who didn’t have to. I was afraid people would talk about it in ways I couldn’t deal with, and I was very lucky to have some people around who felt the same way I did. You’re seeing me 3 years later, after I’ve become able to talk about it to people–but very few of my friends here in this new town even know, I only tell when it seems like a good idea.

Anyway, I hope you can find someone to vent with, and you are welcome to email me anytime.

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My mom in her mid-30s had two miscarriges, about a year apart, then about a year later had me, then two years later had my sister. Obviously I am very glad that she did not give up.

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I’ve got two living children, born almost 5 years apart.

Our first son, Ambrose was stillborn at 36 weeks.

14 months later, Primafloret the Elder was born at home at 42 weeks.

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks about 3 years later. I’ve miscarried at 7 weeks several times.

P the Younger was born 2 years after the 10 week m/c.

I’m done now, totally done. It was a very stressful time that went on for years. I’ll be honest and say that nothing really helped except having live babies. It still hurts but it’s not the constant hideous grief it was for some years.

I don’t remember the pregnancy loss boards being that hideously twee. It sounds ghastly.

If I can be of use to anyone my email’s in my profile.

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I’ve had one miscarriage that was verified by the doctor. Took 4 pregnancy tests, scared out of my mind, and made an appointment with a doctor. Two days before the appointment, I started spotting, and went to the appt. anyways. The doctor told me that I wasn’t far enough along for it to be serious (8 weeks) and told me to go home and monitor everything. This was a totally unplanned pregnancy, as I had just dumped my fiancee. I spent about 6 months in a horrible depression as a result of the combination.

My mother and father were married for 10 years before they had me. She had 9 miscarriages before me. One of them made it all the way to 7 months. The only reason she told me about it was when I was engaged, she was worried that it may be a genetic thing to have difficulties like this. (Odd, considering she’s had 4 kids.) Sometimes I wonder how she even kept trying.

I just want to say that I think you are all wonderful people, and I wish you didn’t have to go through what you did.

I send my best wishes to all of you for happy, healthier futures.

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(((((for the strong ladies)))))

i possibly had a miscarriage at 6 weeks when i was 16.

possibly, because in the circumstances the bleeding could have been from the physical trauma of being raped.

or not.

never saw a doctor.

will never know for sure.

that’s the hard part.

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You are all truly inspiring. Thank you for participating in this thread.

Something that keeps coming up for me is this:

Because we went on holidays for one month in the States, and I was pregnant when we left, I’m continuously running into people back in France who didn’t find out I’d lost the baby.

They’re not people I know well enough to call in person (people like the assistant at my daughter’s nursery - who herself has just returned from maternity leave - who rub my tummy and say, “Oh, I bet your getting excited?”

It’s not so much painful for me, as it is awkward. And then after I say I’ve lost the baby, I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to share the circumstances with them or just change the subject.

I even found a lot of my on-line friends (particularly younger males) had no idea what to say to me and some of them even avoided me or the topic. It’s very awkward.

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Brain is drained “…bet you’re getting excited?”

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irishgirl, I wish there were some way of removing, or helping diminish the pain in relation to your loss and circumstance. Because I cannot say “I know how you feel”, please know I will send an extra special hug and many warm thoughts your way.

Anahita, this is one thing I am dreading about doing back out into the ‘real world’ again… people who knew before and now have not a clue. Am finding it very hard to even want to leave the house and face people again.

My uncle, bless his cotton pickin, was not told when we informed my mom. He likes to spam hubby and I with all sorts of links… One of his favourite sites is ‘bigfatbaby.com’… Needless to say that every time my email came on and we saw this, it sent a jolt though me. Hubby kindly wrote him an ickle letter the other night kindly asking to him to stop with a very brief explanation why… the emails have stopped.

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Two, had one child at the time (one year old)

First time 1.5 months, second time a little under 3 months.

Didn’t “seek” any treatment other than ordinary visits to our OB. With the second one, we did have to have a D&C.

Don’t know just what a “missed” miscarriage is. In both cases, excessive (for a pregnant woman) vaginal bleeding told us that something was wrong.

Thank G-d, since that time, we’ve had three more healthy children, no failed pregnancies.

Immediately after she stopped bleeding - got pregnant about a month after that.

Constantly worried. Only thing that helped was the constant thumbs-up from our OB during the regular examinations. After that successful delivery, those miscarriages no longer caused worry for us in our later pregnancies.