As your cite says, this is considered too impersonal in the case of babies. Combined with the use of “fetus” for a baby born live shows a remarkably low level of empathy.
A friend of mine miscarried twice. The first very early in the pregnancy and the second at 7.5 months. They didn’t name the first baby but they named the second one and they even have a gravestone in the cemetary. She refers to the baby by name as if he were born alive. It seems odd to me but I’ve never birthed a baby. I can imagine that as she was feeling the child growing, he was a very real person to her. She would never ever consider re-using the name.
I would have absolutely no problem reusing the name, but then, my grandma Lola had three daughters:
Lolita (dead at age 3)
my mom, whose name is not Lolita,
and Lolita (born a year after “Lolita the First” died).
Is your son a professor of archaeology now?
Hell, I wouldn’t let the girls name our second beagle the same name as our recently deceased first beagle. It just seemed wrong. Needless to say, I wouldn’t re-use a child’s name.
However, even though I had two names (one male; one female) picked out before our first daughter was born, I changed my mind once I saw her. She just didn’t look like the name.
I ended up reusing that name for the 2nd daughter. She DOES look like the name.
Same here.
It depends. I’ve never been pregnant, so I don’t know if I’d end up, you know, calling a fetus anything. Right now we call our entirely fictional child Tater. I’d call a fetus the same nickname, but not the same real name.
Arrgh! Misread, voted in a hurry. Voted that i would reuse, but I meant that I would NEVER reuse.
It depends on the state what the form’s called but a delivered baby (alive or not) gets a certificate of some kind; a hospital delivery especially.
For example, my ‘birth certificate’ is titled, Certificate of Live Birth, ergo there must also be a Certificate of (Non-live wording) Birth in Michigan.
In the instance a baby’s not alive at delivery but is revived within minutes, or vice versa I expect each state handles that differently according to state law, maybe even at the hospital level. I’m unfamiliar w/ any national standard.
In our journey to parenting we’ve been through 2 miscarriages; we didn’t consider the name of the first baby for the second one, it was a different person.
I had three miscarriages before my son, Jake was born. We knew we wanted to name the child Jake, if a boy, and Ryan, if a girl. All three of the miscarriages happened pretty early on, and well before we would have been able to determine sex. So I don’t think we ever really “named” them… we really only had the idea of what we wanted to name them.
So I guess my response to the poll is, we didn’t name our fetus until we were reasonably assured (about 30 weeks along) that he was going to make it. But if we had, I don’t think I would reuse the name.
Some of you have said that you wouldn’t name a fetus or name it too early in the pregnancy, but don’t people have names picked out far in advance? Or are some people only thinking about names after a certain point in the pregnancy? For me, the kid will be named Gilgamesh, and I’m not even married or have impregnated (that I know of) a girl.
I’d agree with this… I might work with my partner to come up with a list of possible names, but I would be very reluctant to settle on a definite name until I’d actually met the baby, looked into its eyes, shaken its hand. It might not look like a “Joseph” at that point! That’s a “Lowell” if I’ve ever seen one!
I don’t know whether to say, “Great name!” or “You unspeakable cad!” It is a great name…but, mein gott, that child will suffer for it! Why not just call him “Sue” and be done?
(ETA: I’ve been reading your posts all this time and only now noticed the exact spelling of your name. A classic case of “seeing what you expect to see.” Apologies!)
Male and would never reuse.
My wife and I had 6 losses: 3 early (first trimester) and 3 between 17 and 20 weeks. We didn’t name the 3 early ones but we named the ones that made it to the second trimester. Because we were going through fertility treatments it meant LOTS of OB visits and ultrasounds. Watching them grow and develop it was hard to just say, “Oh, look! It has fingers!” Not knowing the gender at that point we would default to “the baby” or “he”.
For some reason the water would break and the babies would die. After my wife delivered them and we knew the genders we would name them, have them baptized and, yes, we buried them. There is a section of the cemetery just for babies and there they are with their own markers.
Our last child, Tommy, was delivered at 20 weeks from an emergency C-section. He was too early to survive, even with extraordinary care in NICU, so I held him as he died, gasping in my hands. Because he was born alive he was issued a certificate of live birth as well as a death certificate. We even got to write him off as a dependent on our taxes that year because of that birth certificate. Gee, wasn’t that a great consolation prize. :rolleyes:
For me, we had names picked out. If boy this or this, if girl that or that. But I never felt I could give a name to my baby until I had seen his face.
In a previous career I worked in a NICU. I would see fathers trying to be strong and support their wives when a baby died, but it seemed to me that nobody noticed how much* they *hurt.
I am so sorry for your losses.
Thank you so much. My wife and I used to go to a support group for people who had miscarriages and early losses. Mostly women there with only a handful of men. The women would talk about their feelings but the fathers generally just sat there silent with a dazed look in their eyes.
I finally got up the nerve to talk about my pain, of trying to hold it together for my wife and child, making funeral plans while arranging time off from work so my job was taken care of while I was out. I talked about my wife dealing with the emotional pain of losing our baby and all the dreams we had of him or her, her physical pain from the delivery and the hormones that were spinning her head around with post partum depression. I would hold her up in every way I could, comfort our son and be strong for them. At the funeral I could cry but not for as long or as hard as I wanted to because, damn it, I am the husband and it’s my job to be strong (yeah, I know it’s macho bullshit). Later I could cry alone.
I wouldn’t reuse, but I found in my family history that occasionally, if a baby died during the first 2 years of life, the name would be reused on a subsequent child of the same gender. It wasn’t clear if the middle name was changed. (We are talking the 1800’s here).
If it’s just a name we created, I wouldn’t use it. But if it’s a passed down name, I would. Also, while I don’t know about my (currently non-existant) wife, I personally would not want to name a baby early on in the pregnancy, and would actually reserve the right to change the baby’s name after they’ve been born, if something else fits better.
I have a slightly morbid sense of humor, apparently… after I miscarried my first pregnancy, I posthumously assigned the baby a gender (it was too early to know) and a name.
I named her “Faith” because after that miscarriage, I just FELT like I’d lost all faith that I’d ever be a parent.
And no, I did not (and will not) reuse the name.
Never name until you can see the head.
Do have some ideas of course.