Some friends of ours had a baby on Christmas Day afternoon. Poor girl. She’ll never get a real birthday party. But that’s not the point.
I was thrilled to hear that my friends had a healthy baby girl. However, I was a quite surprised when I heard the name her parents chose for her. We’ll call the baby Emily, for the sake of this thread. Lovely name; again, that’s not the point. Here’s the deal: a year-and-a-half ago, some mutual friends of ours and this couple’s had a baby that was born prematurely and died. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there were severe complications and the mother had to have a hysterectomy. The baby was tiny when she was born and had no chance of survival. She was buried and has a gravestone. The baby’s name? Emily.
I checked the message on our answering machine twice to make sure I was hearing the new baby’s name correctly. Had they really given their baby the same name as their friends’ dead child?
It’s not that the parents of this new baby Emily did not know that our friends’ dead daughter was named Emily. Especially at first, the mom who lost the baby talked about it almost constantly, poor woman. She always refers to the baby by her name. Emily’s name still comes up in conversation sometime, since several friends of ours are pregnant. She’ll say something to the effect of, “When I was pregnant with Emily …”
I guess if it were my husband and I expecting a child, there’s no way I’d consider using the name of a friend’s dead child. On the contrary, it would be the first name crossed off my list. It’s going to be painful enough for the mother to watch a friend with her perfect little newborn, which she can’t have again, without having to call her the same name as the baby she lost.
I don’t plan on bringing it up to anyone, unless someone mentions it to me. I did express my surprise to my husband, but he didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. What say ye, Dopers? Would you name your child the same name as a friend or family member’s dead child? Maybe if it had been 10 years ago, it would be different, but in this case … well, I’m shocked that they would do that to their friends. Wasn’t that pretty insensitive, or am I just overreacting?
If the friends don’t know about the naming, my vote is for “insensitive”. Very much so. But your story sounds a bit like the parents may have talked to the friends and they’re all in agreement. Maybe the baby is even being named Emily to honour the late Emily.
It was VERY insensitive - UNLESS they got permission from that couple to name their baby Emily as a tribute
Does it happen to be a name that is trendy right now?
Maybe they really fell in love with the name.
But no, you are not overreacting. I do think it is insensitive.
great minds…etc
I thought of that too, but I don’t think it’s the case. They’re not that close. From what I know, the parents of the new Emily did not tell anyone their name choice ahead of time. I was present on one occasion when they announced that they’d be having a girl to a group of friends. When asked if they’d decided on a name, they responded, “Yes, but we’re not telling anyone,” and the subject was dropped.
The name is pretty popular right now, I guess. It’s one of those names that’s not overly common, but isn’t way out there either. And yes, I understand that they could have really fallen in love with the name, but still, if it were me, it wouldn’t matter how much I loved the name. I wouldn’t do that to a friend in a million years!
Thanks for the input so far. I’m nervous that this situation will cause tension between the two couples, and I want to be prepared to be there for my friend when she finds out.
Don’t get in the middle of this - you’ll only end up losing one couple or the other as friends. It’s between them. For your own peace of mind, stay clear
As I said, I don’t plan on bringing it up. However, if my friend brings it up to me and is upset about it, I plan to be there for her and comfort her. That’s all I meant.
Wow. My husband and I are considering scratching “Madeline” because one of his coworkers gave birth very prematurely (like 25 weeks), and her Madeline died. That’s all he can think about when he hears the name.
Most popular girl’s name in America in 2004 isn’t way out there? Cite.
My mother’s sister Christine died mere hours after birth. When her uncle and aunt had a baby daughter the following year, they asked for and were given permission by my Grandmother to name their child Christine. Apparently they loved the name as much as my Grandmother had and they wanted to use it despite the lost Christine.
So, I’d vote that it’s probably a bit insensitive if they didn’t ask first, but if they spoke to your friend and got the ok then it’s fine. On the other hand, it’s not like it’s a really “out there”, unusual name and I’m sure your friends know that there are other little Emilys running around who they are sure to encounter at some time. I know my husband and I have had names picked out for our children for years - since before we even got married - and it would take a major event for me to choose again if we do ever manage to have kids.
One final point - would your reaction be different if it turns out that Emily was chosen to honor, say, a beloved Grandmother or Aunt of the couple?
Unless they’re convinced somehow it’s a tribute, it’s very insensitive. Well, either way it’s insensitive; but if it’s a tribute it’s forgivable.
Maybe the baby isn’t named after the other couple’s child at all? Maybe the name is the same as a beloved family member of their own? Is that a possibility?
Another vote for kinda insensitive. I can’t imagine doing that.
cazzle, I think the OP picked Emily as the nom d’thread. I think the real name is something else, maybe something more distinctive.
:smack:
Second time I did this today: What he said.
Insensitive? Bullshit. (Now THAT’S insensitive)
Emily is a very popular name right now. Your other friends had a baby that died. That is sad. It also doesn’t rule over everyone involved. If your other friends want to use that name it shouldn’t even be a question. It’s their baby they can name it whatever they want.
Yes, that certainly would change my reaction significantly, and if that turns out to be the case, my mind will be changed. And Emily isn’t the real name. I just picked that for the thread, because I didn’t want to use the real name.
um, “Emily” was just chosen for this thread, m’kay?
Another vote for Extremely Insensitive, unless it was an agreed-upon tribute (in which case it would conversely be Extremely Kind).
You don’t mess around with people who’ve lost babies.
My friend Anna’s mother really loved the name Anna. So much so that she named her first daughter Anna. My friend is not her first daughter. The first daughter died shortly after birth. My friend was born two years later, and I guess her Mom decided there was no point in wasting a good name.
yellowval, I agree with those who’ve suggested that you remain as much out of the situation as possible. Supportive noises are appropriate if necessary, but don’t criticize anyone to anyone else – it will most certainly bite you in the ass.
Oops, missed the “let’s call her…” bit. Sorry.
Laina_f, that seems to be more uncommon these days, but during the course of my family history research I found that it was once not uncommon at all to keep using the same name until you got a child that lived. Generally speaking, people used family names and like to keep them going so if they lost one little Jr, they’d give the next child the same name. Creepy now, commonplace once upon a time.
Um, yeah. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the unfortunate couple are going to hear the name “Emily” once or twice in their lifetime, regardless of what the supposed insensitive couple named theirs.