Misleading Tourists

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Here, in Cleveland…

When in the Flats, make sure to refer to Cleveland as “The Mistake by the Lake”. It’s the local’s way of having fun with the unsavory history of the city.

Make sure to ask if the river’s caught fire recently. That one never gets old!

Be sure to act surprised whe same-day tickets are not available for Indians or Browns games. We all know Clevelanders don’t much care for sports.

If you’re from Baltimore, be sure to remind the locals that the Ravens used to be the Browns. This is best done on a football-game day, in a sports bar.

If you’re from Pittsburgh, make sure to refer to Cleveland as “Cleve-burgh”. The fun little rivalry between the two cities is always good for a laugh.

Make sure to remind Browns’ fans of the time that Denver Broncos beat the Browns in the Closing minutes to cinch their berth in the Super Bowl. Many football fans here respect and honor John Elway.

A favorite toast in most drinking establishments goes like this…“IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE IN CLEVELAND BESIDES THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME?” Say this loudly and proudly, and many bartenders will give you a free round of Rumpel-Minze!

Ask if we know Drew Carey. Most Clevelanders have met the man personally.

42

Welcome to Alabama. Here are a few things that will make Alabamians (at least the BamaDopers) very happy:

–Ask us how many lynchings we generally perform a year.*

–Go to the Southside of Birmingham and claim membership in the KKK.

–Tell us you like Mississippi better. We REALLY love that.

–Wear George Wallace segregation T-shirts. We really love being reminded about that part of our history. REALLY.

–In the more rural areas, it’s a good idea to tell the locals how stupid the Southern Baptist Convention is.**

–If you visit the NASA center in Huntsville, make sure you carry a suspicious-looking, ticking package. The guards will LOVE YOU.

–If it says One-Way Street in Birmingham, it’s lying. Go whatever way you choose.

–In order to find the best culture, stay in the Southside of Birmingham until 3 a.m. or so.

–In the grand city of Tuscaloosa, be sure to mention to everyone you see that Auburn has a MUCH better football team than the University of Alabama. Make sure to insult Bear Bryant, too.

*There are racists in Alabama, just few and far between, and most of us don’t appreciate the insinuation that we are racist.
**A few people will actually agree with you…precious few.

43

When driving up north, please drive at 10 miles an hour whilst rubbernecking at the scenery instead of stopping, the locals love it, it makes them feel all fuzzy inside. Ignore the horns and what looks like dirty looks, they naturally look that way.

44

I hate to admit it, but I actually did tell someone this - I hope that they weren’t arrested:

I worked at the VA State Capital during college. The governor’s office is on the third floor, and you can actually walk right in and speak to the receptionist - there wasn’t too much security at the time (I imagine this has changed given recent events).

While walking through Capital Square, and after having had a very rough morning work-wise, I was approached by some tourists asking directions, questions, etc. I told them, with a a very sincere look, that on that very day the Governor was holding an open house and that you could, in fact, go up to his office and just walk right in and ask him anything you wanted - it was his way of getting closer to the people. They thanked me by saying something about “Southern hospitality” and trotted off in the direction of the elevators.

45

In Atlanta, be sure to:

–Just ask anyone for directions to Tara. Everybody knows Gone with the Wind was a true-life story, filmed on location and as it happened. Kind of a forerunner to CNN war coverage. Where do you think Ted Turner got the idea?
–By the way, to get to Tara you just go right down Peachtree. We neglect to mention whether that’s Peachtree St., Peachtree Rd., Peachtree Industrial Blvd., Peachtree Circle, West Peactree St., etc. Or you could take I-285 ‘till it dead ends and hang a right (I-285 is the loop around the city).
–Be sure to ask where all the old buildings are. We love talking about Mr. Sherman and reconstruction.
–Believe your travel agent when they tell you that the climate here is sub-tropical. Don’t bother to bring a jacket in January.
–Feel free to look down on us poor, uneducated, dirt farmin’ Southerners. We like that. Deliverance was a real life movie, too.
–We love to gain new insights on what we do wrong. Tell us again how you do it up north.
–We live to hear you say “Tawk some more, I just love to hear youse guys tawk!”.
–And, remember, Georgia is just a small little state. You wanna drive from the mountains to the beach? Yeah, that’s a day trip. All damn day. One way.

Y’all come back, now, y’ heah?

46

When in ThemeParkopolis (Orlando/Kissimme)

SeaWorld:

[li] Ask the education staff any of the following:[/li]- “When do the manatees perform?”

  • “What kind of paint do they use on the whales to make them so shiny black?”
  • “Where is Free Willy?”
  • “Where are the fish we can pet?” Get mad when they send you to the ‘Tidepool’ exhibit, scream at them that you want to pet “Flipper” **.

(“As Bob is my witless”, I have heard each of these what I worked there.)
** BTW, ‘Flipper’ is a trademark of the Miami Seaquarium. SW staff just loves getting asked about Flipper.

[li] If you really want to be part of the Shamu show and get on the 20’ foot tv screen, do the following:[/li]- Ask to be in the show.

  • Ladies, dress in a thin white top that gets transparent when wet. Better yet, don’t wear a bra, since the water is a refreshing 55 degrees and it is a family park.
  • Wear a t-shirt with Mickey Mouse, Scooby-Doo or any character from one of the other theme parks.
  • Wear a shirt with Coors, Molson or some brand of beer other than Budweiser.

[li] Complain that you didn’t see the large signs at every exhibit that say “Salt water may damage your camera equipment” or “Splash Zone - you may get wet and possibly soaked” when you do get wet, and you want a refund on your admission.[/li][li] Complain to Guest Services that the hot dogs made you ill, and you want a refund on your admission.[/li][li] Complain that the dolphins are having sex in front of your children and that the parks needs to do something about such filth.[/li]In the general area:

[li] A Disney ticket will get you into Universal Studios, and vice versa.[/li][li] Yes, you can use an expired ticket to get into any of the parks.[/li][li] Yes, I-4 (Interstate 4) and I-Drive (International Drive) are the same road like you remember from 5 years ago. No, you don’t need a map: there’s been no new construction since you were here 5 years ago. And all the hotels have kept the same names.[/li][li] Ask about our ‘Light-Rail’ system connecting downtown and Disney.[/li][li] Ask what there is to do downtown. (Hint: not much anymore.)[/li][li] Get to “Splendid China” early to beat the crowds.[/li][li] Must see attractions: The Millenium Theatre; Wild Bill’s Dinner Show; King Henry’s Feast; Mystery Fun House; The Haunted Mansion on Rte. 192; Church Street Station (see them if you like empty lots and vacant buildings).[/li][li] Tell us every ‘Palm Beach County’ voting joke you know. We’re probably missing a few.[/li][li] “Parliament House” is a great place to take the kids. They’ll love the drag show.[/li][li] Another hint - “Thee Doll House” is a great place for minature collectibles.[/li][li] Use the ‘Sun Pass Only Lane’ even if you don’t have a transponder. Only the locals need to pay on the toll roads.[/li] Complain about how Florida residents now get a break on Disney ticket prices because of 9/11. Stare when locals pass out from laughing so hard.

47

It’s my understanding that Mr. Dent’s full name is now officially, Bucky “Fucking” Dent. :wink:

48

I went to Atlanta once on tour with a band…

…and what IS up with that? It was a nightmare trying to figure out where we needed to be.

Another note those who, like me, had never been that far South:
Waffle House, while equally ubiquitous and breakfast-y sounding, in no way resembles IHOP.

mischievous

49

Welcome to Washington DC!
While here be sure to do the following:

Ask people on the street where the President is and if you can meet him.

Make sure you drive to all the monuments-parking is plentiful.

If you take our metro, be sure to enjoy a snack; in fact the trains and stations are a great place to picnic.

Don’t worry about having enough metro fare. If your card is short when you get to a station the metro staff will gladly let you out.

Make sure you visit Southeast-especially at night.

Our postal workers have a great sense of humor. Right now, Anthrax jokes are hysterically funny. Trying bringing an envelope full of baby powder intop any local post office and watch the fun.

50

Yes, there are Movie Stars[sup]TM[/sup] everywhere. You’ll see about 20 of them in Ralph’s at any given time. Also, some of them like to go to Hollywood Boulevard and hang around by their star, waiting for someone to notice them.

The beach is five minutes away from anywhere. It’s that way, just over the hill. Start walking; we’ll catch up.

Be sure to shriek every time you see a palm tree. We don’t know them when we see them, so we need you to point them out.

If your host/ess doesn’t have an orange tree in hir backyard, go ahead and pout.

It’s always tropically warm in LA. Only bring shorts, and forget a sweater or jacket. It never rains, either.

OJ’s Brentwood house is open for a walk-through at all hours. The other residents on Bundy will gladly escort you to it if you’ve lost your way.

Go ahead and push your rental car up to 110 on the freeway. Other drivers will realize you’re a tourist, and stay out of your way.

ALL young black males are gangbangers. If you see one walking, he won’t be insulted if you panic and roll up your windows or flee to the other side of the street. If you see one in a convenience store, RUN. He’ll have a good laugh.

If you hear people talking Spanish, the traditional greeting is “Why don’t they learn English? This is AMERICA!”, accompanied by an eyeroll.

No, we don’t mind hearing you gripe about the 8.25% sales tax. It’s not like we live with it every day or anything.

Yes, you can get into a movie premiere at a moment’s notice.

Disneyland/Magic Mountain/Knotts Berry Farm/Universal Studios Hollywood were all designed to accomodate only one family at a time. If you go to these places and they’re crowded, there has been a terrible breach of policy. Immediately find an overworked, underpaid park staff member and complain loudly and at length. Be sure to emphasize how far you’ve traveled to be here.

51

Welcome to Australia. Just a little helpful advice.

Fortunately there are no poisonous creatures in Australia. Feel free to pet the snakes and play with the spiders.

At the beach the area between the flags is reserved for non swimmers. Please swim outside the flags.

On the road we drive on the left. In deference to foreign drivers the right hand lane is for slower vehicles. Overtake on the left.

The traditional Maori greeting of the Hongi (nose rubbing) is expected by our indigenous population particularly in pubs.

There is a friendly rivalry between the states. A joke that always gets a smile is to compare unfavourably the beer, women, weather, drivers of this state with another state.

We really like to hear your accent so talk, talk loudly, talk all the time, even in movies. We don’t mind.

Don’t tip. It’s an insult, like saying we will only serve you properly if bribed.

Posted speed limits are minimum speeds. Go for it.

Parking signs show the minimum time you may park there. Meters are for charitable donations if you feel inclined.

Australians love nature and that is why free flowers are grown in most municipal parks. Get yourself a bunch.

Only tourists are allowed to park on the Sydney Harbour bridge to take panoramic photos. Please take the opportunity.

Compliment us on our command of English, it is our second language after all.

52

don’t ask, you had me cracking up there. :slight_smile:

Australian wildlife:

  • Cassowary: these large, distinctively coloured birds LOVE human attention, and if you happen to be in the bush take the time to go and hand-feed one. If you’re really lucky, it might let you pet it. Don’t worry about any stories the locals may have about people losing eyes or having shreds of flesh ripped off, they’re only making fun of the tourists.

  • Blue-ringed octopus: if you happen to be near one of our lovely beaches and see one of these little beauties, they make great barbie food. Unfortunately, they’re very delicate, so using a net to catch them usually ends up with you losing good meat. Hand-catch if at all possible. The bright-blue rings against a yellow background are just to attract possible mates, they’re in no way an indication of any danger.

  • Red-back spider: a great one for the budding entomologists. The vivid red mark on the abdomen makes it a lovely addition to any collection, as long as you can get a hold of the little suckers. Best way to catch one is just to go out to the bush and leave your shoes outside for the night - in the morning when you go to put them on, the little prick in your toe tells you that you’ve won a prize!

I seem to recall a song by the Scared Weird Little Guys a few years ago about Australia’s native wildlife… it went something like this ahem…

Red-back, funnelweb, blue-ringed octopus,
Taipan, tiger snake, adder, box jellyfish,
Stonefish, and the poison thing that lives in a shell
That spikes you when you pick it up.
Come to Australia! You might accidentally get killed!

…and so on, and so forth.

53

When visiting New Mexico be sure to bring your passport and frequently remind people that you are visiting from the United States. You’ll get better service that way.

54

Redback, Funnel-web, Blue-ringed octopus
Tiapan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Stonefish and the poison thing that lives in a shell
That spikes you when you pick it up

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed

Your life’s constantly under threat
Have you been bitten yet?
You’ve only got three minutes left
Before a massive coronary breakdown

Redback, Funnel-web, Blue-ringed octopus
Tiapan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Big shark just waiting for you to go swimming
At Bondi Beach

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed
Your blood is bound to be spilled
With fear your pants will be filled
Because you might accidentally get killed

From the Scaredies.

55

{Disguised as an autumn maple tree, a nekkid Muffin with his uppermost branches aflame streaks past a gaping group of Japanese tourists and hurls himself through the thin ice of Lake Superior, bobs about with a look of ecstasy on his face for a couple of minutes, then pulls himself out of the water and saunters back to alice_in_wonderland’s party . . .}

56

{Mope, mope, mope, burbble, burbble, burbble.}

{A green stain spreads across the surface of the water.}

Hey, you guys in the tourist thread, you wouldn’t happen to have a few ancient Grecian pillars would you?

You do? Thanks.