I think you need to look at what is inside and outside of your control.
What is outside your control: Other people’s behaviour
What is inside your control: Your own behaviour
Could you do more to engage individuals in one-to-one conversation? For example, when you get to work, do you make an effort to walk past people’s desks and ask them how they are today? On a Friday afternoon, ask someone what their plans for the weekend are, then ask them on Monday how those plans went.
By starting with a one-to-one conversation, you can often draw a nearby person into the conversation, just by making eye contact with them, or laughing in their direction in a ‘did you hear that?!’ way. Then there’s three people having the conversation and it’s not as much strain on you to keep the conversation going, whilst hopefuly still manageable for you to follow what’s being said.
I know it’s not fair but this action, even if it’s just occassional, sends a message to your colleagues that you’re not interested in engaging with them. And unfortunately the negative things we do have a lot more sway than the positive things we do. So you could attempt to follow ten conversations, then do the headphone thing once, and what people are going to remember is the headphone thing.
As others have said, the thing about workplace banter is that it is casual conversation, just effortless babble that sorta happens as you devote most of your concentration on your work. You cant hear it, and if your co-workers want to include you in it they have to make a special effort to ensure your understanding. And if they have to put in an effort, it is no longer casual banter, it is full blown conversation. Which they dont have time for, they are working.
Its not your fault, but it isnt theirs either. They probably like you well enough, but they just cant be repeating every little thing they say, thats just how it is.
Frankly, perhaps you shouldnt take it so personally. Stop sitting there whinging that you are missing out and that it isnt fair, and that perhaps you should go and live in a hole. We all have strengths and weaknesses when it comes to social interaction, and so what if you miss out on meaningless banter. Perhaps you get more work done at those times, and then knock’em dead when it comes to straight up face to face conversation. Spare a thought for those who can hear everything but are so clueless they kill conversation with every word they speak, would you rather be one of them?
Would you rather be me? I have a very soft Irish accent, and have loads of fun taking the piss out of people in an office enviroment. But put me in a club with loud music, and nobody can hear a damn word I am saying. I try to say hello to a girl in a club and I just get those blank looks of “what did you say?”.
You are railing against the world here, but you cant change it, all you can do is be more secure in yourself and focus on what you can do. Like I did. Now I get ignored by girls in pubs, instead of girls in nightclubs.
Is there one person in the group you can talk to candidly? Someone who would listen to you and understand the problem from your perspective, and be able to make sure that you are included more often?
If so, try it…sometime it only takes one person making small changes or comments to shape the behavior of the rest of the crew. It’s a small group, and they’re doing what they’ve been doing for a while–they need someone to shake up the dynamic a little, in a positive way.
Good luck. I feel for you.
I feel for you too, Bibliovore. People can be thoughtless sometimes, but thoughtlessness is not the same thing as maliciousness, and getting them to change may be more of a pain than it’s worth. Both to you and to them.
But if it bothers you enough, maybe you could mention how you feel to the co-worker you trust the most. I wouldn’t say “Hey, I’m here, can you include me in your gossip sessions too?!” But casually mentioning that you feel left out of conversations might make them more sensitive in the future. Unless they’re a jerk, that is, thus curing you of the need to chat with them anyway.
That said, being surrounded by all that banter would personally drive me crazy, even if I was on the receiving end of it. A little chit chat here and there, fine. But stretched out dialogue about whole lots of nothing, at work? You might not like what you’re wishing for!
I don’t miss the banter because I tune most of it out because I can’t hear it well, anyway. Part of my brain seems to monitor it because people get used to me saying, “Hey, wait a second. What was that?”
