My ears are making me blue

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m hard of hearing and wear hearing-aids. My hearing loss is such that I can’t hear high-frequencies, so conversations are reduced to a mushy, mumbly mess unless people’s voices are directed right at me and I can see the speaker’s mouth. This basically means that in my current open-plan workplace, I miss out on about 90% of the casual banter that gets batted back and forth between my co-workers, and it’s really starting to get me down.

I HATE it when people are guffawing over a joke and I’ve missed the punchline, or when people are just chatting about what they got up to over the weekend. It’s incredibly isolating and frustrating and I always just end up hunched over my keyboard, letting them get on with it while I die a little more inside. My co-workers are aware of my problem, but it isn’t fair to ask them to repeat each and every single joke and/or comment back to me just for my benefit.

I know I’m missing out on a lot of the bonding that happens during these conversations, and as a result, while I get along perfectly well with my co-workers, I’m not as involved or as much a part of “the group” as I’d like to be. Some days are better than others. On a good day I’ll force myself to butt in and ask people what I just missed and might even (gasp!), add a witty or amusing comment of my own. On a bad day, it’s heart-wrenching and I’ll just end up withdrawing into myself and wishing people would stop being so damn jolly and chatty all the time. I’m in danger of becoming a bitter old curmudgeon before I reach middle-age.

I know I’ll have to live with this hearing loss for the rest of my life, but I can’t see any solution to this part of the problem, and it sucks mightily.

BAH!

2

goes in search of a can of paint to paint Bibliovore back to normal

realizes she doesn’t know what color Bibliovore is

grabs white paint and a bunch of different tints ranging from red to black, mostly through shades of brown

OK, let’s see, what parts of you aren’t blue yet? I need a normal-colored bit or two for the match-up…

3

If you’re from Spain, I’m probably the same colour you are :smiley:

4

Well, there’s a very simple solution to your problem. All you have to do is get some oranges and make sure they’re fresh and unbruised as this will become critical later [sub]and make absolutely certain (because this may prove lethal) that you don’t… … … … …[/sub]

5

That actually made me chuckle, you bastard. :smiley:

6

Seriously though, this is really getting me down. Anyone have similar experiences? If so, how do you cope with them?

7

I’m experiencing a bit of hearing loss myself, but not nearly as severe as yours. It’s not like I can’t hear people speak. But over the last 5 years or so it seems everyone has started to mumble instead of speaking clearly. And it’s especially bad when there’s a lot of ambient noise or I can’t see the person speaking.

It’s one thing when it happens at work. But my wife is constantly going, “Honey, could you mumble mumble mumble…” as she’s walking away. How many times do I have to go, “What? What? Dearest wife, you do realize I can’t hear you? And we’ve talked about this 500 times? If you want me to hear you, stay in the same room, and look at me when you’re trying to talk to me!”

8

Biblio, I go through the same thing you do, only with marble and vaulted ceilings in my office to add to the reverbaration. My desk is far away from the ‘hub’ and it does suck to miss out on most conversations. I feel like a gopher at times, popping my head up to gain their attention and trying so hard to follow along.
There are days I hate it and hate them for not understanding. Most days I just shrug it off, with effort. It’s just not feasible to leave my station every time something goes on, but I do it when I can. I seek out co-workers for one-on-one conversations, and having instant messaging at work is a big plus. Basically I try not to dwell on how much I miss out on and just plug through. The people here are aware but don’t really pay attention to who’s missing out. I do my best to be a part of everything so they sense someone’s absent.
It sucks, I know. As a kid I never tried to jump in, always withdrew. It’s made a big difference in my life now making an effort, and I try to remember that. On the tough days, just get through it…tomorrow will be different.

9

I’m … married to Lemur? :confused: How’d that happen?

Sorry, OP, no direct experience to share, but it struck me how your overall issue - feeling isolated from the rest of your co-workers, not being part of the group feeling - is actually very similar to the problems faced by people who work from home and telecommute instead of joining the rest of their co-workers at the central office.

10

Thanks Lionne. I try to tell myself that all the time - tomorrow will be different. But on those bad days, it’s so depressing that, like you, I’ll resent the people around me and sometimes even resent their carefree interaction. Sometimes I’ll think “Sod the lot of you, you heartless bastards! Just FUCK OFF with your lighthearted banter and witty quips that I can never be a part of.”

And then on a good day. i’ll have a really good chat with somebody one-to-one and it will be fine. I just wish there was a way to make people understand how isolating it is, or better yet, for a way to fix my hearing once and for all so I can be the life of the party again instead of the sad and angry little mushroom sulking in the corner.

11

I wish there was a way to make people understand, too, myself included. I don’t have hearing loss, and honestly it’s not something I ever think about during casual conversation, probably because it’s not something I can see. I am sorry to know how much you are missing out on and how it affects you, but thank you for sharing. It’s something I should pay attention to.

12

There’s a thread in MPSIMS about inventions that should be getting worked on. A hearing aid with the kind of key-changing technology that some karaoke setups use would be perfect for that list. How many octaves would it take to bring conversation into your range, Bibliovore?

Also, how old are you (for curiosity)?

P.S. Is anyone where you work particularly aware of what you’re dealing with? If so, maybe you could recruit such a person to IM you with a transcript when the laughter starts.

P.P.S. If you have IM on your system.

13

Lemur’s a bigamist, because I’m married to him too.
Bibliovore, have you had your hearing aids checked and re-calibrated recently? Could new batteries help?

14

I absolutely understand the resentment. It’s not fair because they have no idea what it’s like living in our world, but it’s there nonetheless. I’ve found that if I draw attention to my hearing loss in a certain context, it’s helpful. For example - after missing a question directed towards me, I’ll tell them “I might hear you if you say my name before anything because I tend to pick up on my name and listen closer. I don’t always know a question is directed to me”. This always helps…until they forget!

As for fixing your hearing, I don’t know what caused your loss, but there’s always a possibilty science will step up. Look how far hearing aids have come! Hearing loss is getting more attention nowadays and losing the stigma of ‘old-people issue’, so it’s just a matter of waiting for people to catch up.

Out of curiousity, what do you use for a phone? I have an volume amplifier (like this) that allows me to hear everything, but so does the entire office. I hate not being able to have a ‘quiet’ conversation.

15

If it helps, just keep reminding yourself that your coworkers, being human, are most likely miserable idiot bastards who you’re better off not knowing.

16

Look at the bright side - when you go postal and bring an uzi to work so you can get even, you won’t need earplugs.

17

Actually, Smeg, I think that’s the “bitter old curmudgeon” outcome that the OP is hoping to avoid.

18

I’ve experienced a similar problem mainly when going out with groups of people to loud bars or restaurants and it sucks. You’re with a group of friends or co-workers sitting around a big table with the conversation heating up and you can’t hear a damn thing except all the ambient noise around you. You have no idea what they’re talking about so you can’t contribute and you end up looking anti-social just sitting there and smiling.
Bars with bands are even worse. To be heard people have to literally shout in eachothers face. Which means the only way I’m going to hear you is if you scream in my ear. What a fun evening.

19

Can you do something to bring people over to your workspace, so the conversations and chit-chatting are happening right in front of you? Keeping a bowl of miniature chocolates or cool little tchotchkes on your desk? Obviously, that doesn’t help with the hearing loss, but it might help with “all alone at your desk” feelings.

20

I know exactly how you feel, Biblio. I lost my hearing around age 4-5, and had to get Hearing Aids around age 5-6, and what you’re describing is similar to what school was like. I can totally relate- even now 20 years later, I still have certain habits that are permanently with me- when I notice people laughing, I start to smile and chuckle as well- just to feel “part of the crowd”, so I’m never the last one not laughing as a protective mechanism. Another hard of hearing friend of mine summed it up best in high school with our secret motto “Just smile and nod” for all those times when we’re part of a conversation, and are asked a question or someone talks to us, and then pauses- expecting a response. Just smile and nod, or add a little mumble and a chuckle. It sucks, and it IS something that does not ever really go away- and it CAN get lonely, frustrating, and depressing if You let it get to you. But it’s not always that bad.
The key for each of us (Hard of hearing kids- there were 2 of us in High school and 2 in college) was to have our core group of friends. Oftentimes, we’re our own worst enemies- every time someone looked at me and paused- and I had no idea what they just asked- it was crushing. I’d beat myself up over it, and it certainly did for a while depress me, and cause me NOT to want to open up, to withdraw and avoid people- because I hated that feeling. That’s why the “Smile and Nod” was the motto for the two of us in High school- it was more than just an instruction, but more of a reminder- you can’t cut yourself off. You gotta force yourself into the situations sometimes. I still to this day miss out on about 20% of the conversation even with my digital Hearing aids, but I view the fact that I am apart of 80% of the conversation is still better than me avoiding people, and being withdrawn. I’d rather have 80% than 30% and 30% over 0%, which is what I’d have if I didn’t talk to others.

And it gets easier over time- as you become familiar with certain people, you get used to their voices, their turns of phrases, and their mannerisms. That’s what increases your interaction- you might not always understand what they’re saying, but you get better contextual clues. It’s a skill that takes time to develop- but it gets easier over time when you interact with the same people- and you notice the clues earlier when you meet new people too. That’s the long game of interacting with people.

But the first thing you should do is try talking to your audiologist and check your hearing again with and w/o the aids- perhaps there may be a newer model out now, or more powerful hearing aids that can better improve your hearing. It’d be worth getting a baseline reading, and then seeing what you’re getting WITH the hearing aids in- and seeing if it’s not that great of an improvement, to consider investing in a better, newer model. This option isn’t cheap, but it’s the best first option, if you’re going to try to run in the race- best to have the best possible vehicle for yourself if you can. I personally tend to see what comes out every 3-5 years with my own Hearing aids, and get them upgraded if possible as the technology does change almost every year or so it seems. That’s probably the best advice I can give you.

The second best thing I would tell you to do- is confide in your friends, or co-workers that you like/trust/get along with. This was a tough one for me to learn, but again more often than not- a lot of my fears and concerns were in my head. As a kid, I didn’t want to show weakness to my peers, but I let the ones who were nice to me know- “I have hearing aids, and sometimes I can’t hear what you guys are saying, and it sucks, and I feel bad” was the gist of it. And I discovered- people are quite understanding- many of them sympathized, and tried to help me out, either by making sure they were talking more clearly, slightly louder, or using non-verbal cues (like hand gestures or such) while talking to help me out, and also would sometimes repeat things for me (which I admit, still embarrasses me when I have to ask for that- but I always did appreciate it deep down inside). The hardest part of that was admitting to my peers that I had a problem, and I could use a little help- I did not like that, and did not want to feel “lesser”- but more often than not, those thoughts were in my head more than expressed by my friends- if they saw me as less, they never really showed it. Same in college I discovered- it was even easier to open up to people and let them know about my issue, and it REALLY did help. If people know you’ve got something bugging you, they’ll be more understanding usually (unless they’re assholes, but that’s not usually the type of person you’ll care to open up to anyways), it’s just that initial hurdle of talking to people about it. That step is never easy- and it is always harder at first, when you’re in an isolative mood sometimes. But it’s the little steps that help. You open up to your friends, and usually they’re more understanding, and if they take the time to help out a little bit- then you’ll start to open up and talk more with them, and that’ll help you with the initial hint of mine- which is you’ll start to pick up on the context clues, and their behaviors/mannerisms, and it’ll help you when you start to talk to others who may not know about your hearing loss.

It’s not an easy road, and it is very easy to fall into a self-loathing spiral, but there is hope, Bibby. I sympathize, and totally know what you’re going through. It’s not easy- but def. try to force yourself to interact and take some small steps- maybe talking to your family more for practice, or your good friends about it first before your co-workers, and work your way up. And def. check in with the audiologist too, as hearings aids can wear down and break over time as well. You may never get to 100%, but most people don’t really care that much about it, I’ve found. Your friends will like you for you, and every bit you CAN contribute is always nice- even if at first you have to force yourself sometimes to just “smile and nod” before you can really get going.

I wish you the best, and hope things work out better for you.
Peace.Love.Happiness.
-R