This is the only opinion expressed by non-parents I’ve found disagreement with yet in this thread. ;p
Seconding this. I went out with friends once to a fast food joint. For my own kids, I ordered the kids’ meals with apple slices instead of fries, and milk instead of soda pop. Invariably, when we are with people who just order the regular fries and Sprite for their kids, this provokes defensive commentary (which is really not necessary, as I don’t care what you choose to feed your kids). Anyway, the friends went on about how they get the fries for their kids because the kids won’t eat anything else, and they have to eat SOMETHING, you know, and it’s just so hard to get them to eat healthy foods, and they just don’t get why the kids don’t like fruits and vegetables, blah blah blah. Parents’ trays: cheeseburgers, super-sized fries, soda pop. Yeah, it’s a mystery.
Then again, for all I know, they are on the all-salad diet when at home, and just indulge in burgers ‘n’ fries when they are eating out with the kids. I just found the juxtaposition to be amusing.
While I do welcome and listen advise from people without children, I tend to take it with a grain of salt. I used to be that way. Watching my brother’s kids and seeing how many mistakes he was making raising them. And how I just couldn’t understand why he wasn’t grasping it. The thing is, it’s different with your own kid. I never knew how HARD it was to discipline your own child or to see them cry or get upset because of something you made them do. I used to get annoyed at my brother for letting his toddler son play with the tv remote. But now, I find myself giving it to my daughter just so she’ll be occupied for a few more minutes while I clean/cook/potty/whatever.
So yeah, it’s fine for kid-less people to give advice, but please try not to get too exasperated if we can’t (or won’t) do it. I know I’ll do my best but sometimes preserving my own sanity at the moment wins out over doing what’s proper.
I wish I had learned to listen to my gut earlier on. A couple of examples:
Sleep. We followed other people’s advice on getting our son to sleep by attempting to cry it out. After all, it works with tons of children, shouldn’t it work with ours? After many nights of three-hour crying and screaming sessions, we made an appointment with the pediatrician. She examined him to make sure he was ok, then said, “He’s perfectly healthy. But he probably won’t sleep unless he’s with you. Try bringing him to bed with you tonight.” We did and it worked. Our friends and family were horrified that we co-slept, but it worked for us.
Illness. There are teeny, subtle differences in my son’s smell and behavior when he’s about to become seriously sick. I used to ignore those signs, thinking I was nuts. But for every single serious illness he’s ever had, I’ve always had some sort of niggling feeling that things were about to go downhill fast. Every time I’ve been right. I wish I’d listened to myself the first time. Nothing bad has ever happened - even if you know your child is about to get sick, that doesn’t mean you can prevent it from happening, but I would have had more time to prepare myself and him had I trusted my instincts about it more.
Other mistakes I’ve made include letting him manipulate me during a tantrum. Fortunately, that doesn’t happen anymore. Giving him attention when he’s whining and healthy. Nothing sucks more than walking around the house with a whining toddler attached to your leg, but trying to get him to stop by paying attention just doesn’t work for him. Oh, and listening to other people’s advice even when it doesn’t work. I can’t tell you how many parents think that because something works for their kid, it works for all kids. I wish to God I had just tuned half that crap out. I could have saved myself a ton of guilt.
Mistakes I see others making:
Reacting to their child’s screaming by screaming at them to stop screaming.
As mentioned earlier, not carrying out promises or threats.
Not recognizing their child’s good behavior.
Your kids don’t have to go everywhere with you. They won’t be traumatized for life if you leave them with a baby-sitter. They might even like it (my sister and I always thought having a babysitter over was fun). And it’s good experience for the teenage kids who babysit.
This drives me crazy. I have friends who don’t expose their kid to new foods because, “He wouldn’t eat it anyway.” I’ve never said anything, but I’ve always thought to myself, “He might suprise you if given the option.” These people used to go so far as to bring chicken nuggets to our house when I’d cooking for them because I often make Indian food (which, by the way, our 2 1/2 year old kid eats). I usually would make something small that’s kid friendly and un-spicy, but they usually wouldn’t even put it on his plate. That’s one reason they don’t come over anymore.
What did they think kids in India eat?
Chicken nuggets? I don’t know - that’s a good question.
I have to admit, though, that we did get lucky - our son is very laid back and will eat almost anything. He ate two servings of broccoli the other day when I commented, “Hey, those look like monkey trees!” and propped them up on their ends. If playing with his food in a manner that doesn’t involve finging it anywhere or spitting it back out gets him to eat it, bring on the mashed potato sculptures!
Missing the window for potty training, although it’s usually a first-timer’s mistake.
2nded on the not correcting a child’s speech thing. Again, usually a rookie’s mistake.
Certainly not hamburgers.
My brother has done very well on that score. His boys are told they will not be answered if they’re whining or rudely tugging on pants, etc. It’s a little weird to have a four-year old come up and stare almost straight up and say, “Excuse me, Uncle Dave”, but it beats the heck out of the opposite. Obviously at that age they need attention in about 15 seconds, because they can’t keep their point together much longer, but at least you can finish your last two sentences before answering their question, and by answering them fairly quickly, you teach them that the system works. They continue with those actions.
What came to mind when I saw the thread title was the little girl in the U-Haul store who didn’t get off the boxes even when told about five times. There was no consequence at all, and apparently she knew that. I would at least pull her down and firmly hold her hand to emphasize that she’s going to stay off the boxes. A few minutes of being rooted to the spot and maybe she’ll get a clue that being able to walk around nicely is better than this. I had to learn to wait in the bank line, and that was more often than most kids have to now. Don’t get me started on the fabric store. “NOT the FABRIC store!!!”
We taught my son to say “Excuse me ____”, when he is interrupting someone, early on. I think he started doing it at age 3 or a little earlier. It is one thing we did, right! It is so nice to have him do this, and yes, we do give him our attention right away. Sometimes if I am in the middle of a sentence with someone I will stop and say, “Just one minute”, so he knows I heard him. Then he will wait.
Now at age 5 it is second nature to him.
I can’t tell you how many stares we have gotten from people who see him do this. They act like he is the weird one, when I think it is weird not to teach them to be polite, and to let them grunt, tug, groan, and whine to get your attention.
I am still thinking about some of the mistakes we have made…more later.
Said boy just told me a joke and then said, “the joke was diversion, so you won’t know that show is coming on”.
Diversion…hmmm that is a new one. I better go see what he is up to.
Your son is laid back more than likely because you are. Pat yourself on the back for not turning the dinner table into a battlefield. Good on ya!
Ha funny you should mention the remote. Our daughter has destroyed the battery cover so today when she threw it across the room the batteries flew out and I can only find one, thus no one can watch TV! It’s a travesty!
Wow, cool!
Some dear friends of ours have an 11-year-old who refuses to learn this. It’s not for lack of their trying. I do have opinions on how they could try more effectively, but I’ve become convinced I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Really, this particular 11-year-old may be the #1 reason we don’t have kids yet, even though we seem to think we’d like them. “Janey” is brilliant, creative, empathetic, etc. Her parents are fantastic people and careful, caring parents. Janey is also a spoiled brat who’s never been overtly spoiled. She’s incredibly strong-willed and has never, ever taken “No” for an answer… I remember when she was three: one time I was trying to get her to stop doing something mildly dangerous; the look of contempt and revulsion she gave me for daring to interfere with her was flooring, and I am not a wimp. Her parents pussyfoot around her because she responds so poorly to anything else. She was giving them regular black-and-blue marks in the course of throwing her tantrums by the age of two.
My own little sister was a hellion, so I thought I knew something about how to cope with kids like Janey, but dang, there’s just nothing I can do with this one. I thought the “mean what you say and say what you mean,” “expect kids to do as you do, not as you say,” and “kids want the parent to be in charge and set loving limits” maxims should cover it. I still think it might have done with my sister. It’s extremely clear that that won’t cut it with Janey.
One trick I’ve used with success with my three year old: I always give him some warning about what I want him to do. If he’s playing with a toy and I want to get him dressed in his coat and out the door at a certain time, I always try to tell him “we are leaving in five minutes”, let him play for five minutes and THEN leave.
I find he accepts this much more readily than “drop the toy, let’s go” - which can lead to tantrums, discipline, etc.
Ohhh that is a good one. A lot of kids need transition periods. Some more than others. I do that with my son too, and then give him a few more warnings as time goes by. If he is doing something he really likes, he needs more than one. I learned that at my nanny job where the boy needed major transitions for everything, even bedtime. But once you know how to do it, it works out great.
We did this but apparently did it incorrectly. She will always say excuse me but will then proceed with her point without being excused. She acts like it is a license to interupt any conversation. Now I am working on fixing it to make her aware that her thoughts don’t trump adult conversation going on around her.
Let me reassure you on this point: It’s Not Your Fault.
(I may have told this anecdote before)
My dad, among other things, is an expert breadmaker. He’s been baking for decades at this point - in fact, there’s generally no other bread around at their house except Dad’s homemade. And he’s a big wholemeal bread lover (so’s my mum)
He doesn’t use a breadmaker, so it comes out very dense and chunky. It’s exceedingly yummy straight out of the oven, or as toast slathered with butter.
But.
For years and years, all through my primary school, my parents made my sandwiches with it. And I HATED it! I longed with every fibre of my being for soft, tender delicious WHITE BREAD just like my friends had in their lunchboxes. I begged and pleaded for white bread - none of your fancy-schmancy “extra fibre” crap either, pure nutrient-free bleached tasteless fluff was all I wanted on the shopping list. But my longing was denied…
Finally, at about eleven or twelve, they relented and started allowing me to sneak in a loaf or two of white in the shopping list. Of course they denigrated it at every possible opportunity as “plastic bread” (my dad’s favourite moniker was “cotton wool”). But it was no use. For about the next two decades I hardly went near a loaf of brown bread of my own volition (ok, one exception - I would still use my dad’s bread for toast. But I certainly wouldn’t go near a loaf of store-bought brown bread - in fact, I still think most store-bought wholemeals are pretty foul, though I love squishy spongy store-bought white)
It wasn’t till the last couple of years, when I discovered light rye bread that I started to wean myself off my white bread addiction. Now, at the ripe old age of 38, that’s mostly what I eat. At first, I made all the kids sandwiches with rye as well, and they didn’t seem to notice. But eventually, the Bigger Girl hit preschool. And not long after that… “Mum! I want a sandwich-and-with-white-bread-not-brown-bread-on-it”.
I let her have it. We’re not getting on that roundabout again in this generation!
He does that on occasion too. I just tell him to wait one minute, but he really does get it most of the time. I have found that the wait can really only be ONE MINUTE, however. If I keep him waiting too long he will just keep saying “Excuse me” over and over. I think as they get older they will be more patient. knocking wood