I suspect kids like yours (who just happen to fall in the sweet spot between “so little separation anxiety that they’ll just keep playing forever and not care” and "so much separation anxiety that the sight of the parent heading to the gate will cause them to collapse in tears on the floor, meaning you have to come back and get them anyway) are one of the reasons parents with kids of different personalities manage to get themselves suckered into the “I’m leaving - no really I’M LEAVING” routine.
I don’t think the “casually heading to the gate” version is a mistake, because at that point you haven’t painted yourself into a corner by (as norinew said) threatening something you won’t deliver on. The problem only comes when you assume they’ll react a certain way and you don’t have a game plan for what you’ll do if they don’t.
On transition periods…
Our elder daughter copes very well with “five minutes and then we’re going”. The Smaller Girl, on the other hand, has a Task Completion Fetish. She needs “Ok, you can stand all those dolls up in a row, and when you’re finished doing that, then we’re going” (and to be watched like a hawk in case she sneakily begins a new task which she will shriek like a banshee if she isn’t allowed to complete)
It’s the personality differences which make this job so interesting
I had a similar experience with my baby brother. When he was about 7 or 8 months old–just sitting up and chattering–I’d play with him sitting in my lap. I started doing this thing where I’d say his name, he’d look at me, and I’d say “Headbutt!” and very lightly press my forehead to his. (Yeah, I was 13 at the time.) He thought it was hilarious and would grab my hair and squeal. Great fun! Of course, about a year down the road he’s mobile and has developed a large, thick skull like my Dad’s. He’d terrorize people by sweetly climbing into their lap, look up with big blue eyes and ask innocently, “Wanta head buttin?” Then he’d let fly with his forehead right at their face.
I laughed at this, once. Took us a year to get him to stop. Mom and Dad weren’t too happy with me…
AngelSoft, my sympathies. If it helps any, my daughter did the same thing at around that age (she’s almost 14 months now). We were so lucky…she had started sleeping through the night at a ridiculously early age…I think the first time was at like 3 weeks or something. Then, we got up to around 9 months and she started waking up in the night. And I got in the bad habit of giving her a bottle at that point. Every night I went to bed thinking, “Tonight, I’m gonna hang tough. She’s not really hungry, she had plenty to eat today, I can’t keep reinforcing this bad habit.” And then, of course, the 2:30 AM Kate Alarm would go off, and you’re just so darn tired, and you know that if you just give her the bottle, she’ll be back asleep in five minutes, but if you fight it you could be up for a couple of hours, and it’s just too easy to give in.
It did pass, though, and now she reliably sleeps straight through up to 12 hours at night unless she’s sick. So hang in there!
An idea to try (you probably have already, but just in case…), have you tried putting a toy in the crib with her when you put her down at night? My daughter is usually pretty good about going to bed, but on those nights when she wants to be rocked to sleep, or whatever, and just keeps crying when we leave her, we give her a little toy cell phone that lights up in the dark. She thinks it’s neat the way it glows, and she’ll play with it quietly for awhile, then lay down and play with it, and next thing you know she’s drifted off. We just have to distract her from the fact that she’s been left alone.
We do this with our son as well. And if after a couple of warnings, he really wants to keep playing with something, we’ll often just let him bring it with us as long as it’s portable and not annoying. If it’s too big, we’ll focus on what he can do, like listen to the Lion King in the car or bring a book with him. We’re very fortunate because he actually asks if he can bring something along. Nine times out of 10 it’s fine with us. Unfortunately, he has a collection of sticks (yes, from outside - he’s a cheap date) that he loves. He knows they can’t come in the car, but he asks at every opportunity.
I remembered two more that were told to me by a friend who’s a mother.
Give you child as much control over his/her life as possible. As an example, her son has been allowed to pick out what he wears ever since he was old enough to express an opinion. She deals with weather issues by having a warm weather drawer and a cold weather drawer. She tells him which drawer to choose from so he doesn’t end up wanting to wear shorts in January. He sometimes ends up with horrendously clashing outfits, but it helps him to accept the times when he doesn’t have a choice about something by giving him an aspect of his life that he can control.
Never use the “I’m the mommy/daddy, that’s why” reason when your kid asks why he/she can or can’t do something. She always gives him an honest explanation. Even if he doesn’t understand it, he accepts that there’s a real reason for it, and mommy’s not just being a jerk.
No, you might think so until you have more than one kid. I have an easy going take everything in stride kid. And I have a stubborn kid who doesn’t like change. My daughter’s best friends are a set of twins - one easy going, one emotional. My own arrived that way - my daughter was born with PMS.
Parenting karma is a bitch. Never take credit for the natural inclination of your kids - the blame part sucks.
Which isn’t to say that parents don’t have a lot of influence over their kids behavior and that some parents are great at it and some suck. We’ve spent a lot of time and effort getting my daughter to be flexible - and we’ve had a lot of success - but we are talking YEARS - she is nine now.
An observation, touching upon Dangerosa’s observations about parenting karma I guess: The above is a great idea. I like it very much and would dearly love to do it myself.
However, if you find you have given birth to vicious little power mongers, you may find yourself explaining that, while they do not find any of the fifteen reasons you just explained to be sufficient, you certainly do, and that they may do whatever they would like for whatever reasons they would like when they are not children any more but men.
In other words, because I am the mommy, that’s why. Ultimately, while it is no doubt a good thing to help your children understand how to make decisions, the real reason is that I’m the mommy. A fact pointed out to me repeatedly by my vicious little power mon- er, my delightful children.
Well, there is another reason, though, besides “I’m just the mommy.” It might be that it’s too cold outside to wear shorts, or that a new toy is too expensive right now, or that the kid has already seen his daily TV allotment, but there is a reason. You don’t need to rationalize and discuss your reasons with your kids endlessly, but I think it’s good to give a reason at least once. “Why can’t I have chocolate milk?” “Because there’s too much sugar and it’s not good for you.” “But it has milk in it! It’s not that bad! Why can’t I?” “I already told you once and I’m not repeating myself. Now go play with your Legos.”
Dangerosa, please tell me some techniques for instilling flexibility. I completely agree with you about kids’ personalities. My first child is so literal, so black and white. He has a lot of trouble just going with the flow. My second is the exact opposite. Both personalities present their problems, but I seem to be having more trouble getting the oldest to be more flexible than I am getting the youngest to be more disciplined, I think mostly because I’m a very go-with-the-flow person myself and I just can’t identify with it.
I haven’t read this whole thread, but I think the mistake I’ve made and I see others making is thinking that every little mistake you make is really going to make a difference. Don’t beat yourself up because you’ve raised your voice a couple times or let them have their way once or twice after a tantrum. Move on, try to find better strategies, and then relax - you haven’t ruined your child.
Really. I have to say this in my office when children are here. The minute they start acting up, I just ask “Who is charge here?” If they say “ME” I reply “You are a child. Children are not in charge.” I then point out it is my office and you will follow my rules.
I think “Because I’m the parent” is just a variation of “Who is in charge here?” and a perfectly valid reason. “Why can’t I scream in the house.” “Because I said you can’t and I am in charge here.”
That’s perfectly valid. I just remember, as a child, feeling so enraged and frustrated when I would ask “why?” and get the answer, “Because I said.” Times that my parents bothered to explain their reasoning, I might not have liked it, and I might have still been unhappy, but at least I didn’t have that enraged frustration of feeling like they didn’t even respect me enough to bother giving me a basic explanation. YMMV as always.
How many kids, in the whole history of humanity as a species, do you think have ever been raised by parents who never made any parenting mistakes? I’d bet serious money that the number is zero.
We’ve done a lot of relaxation stuff with her. Teaching her to calm down. Guided imagery stuff. Emotional identification. But honestly, its been getting her to calm down - when she isn’t so emotionally invested, she is much more flexible. Once she is emotionally invested, then she gets stubborn.
She is still “always right.” She is growing out of it a little - but its the big issue now. She generally can’t be told things - she needs to experience them and make the mistake and take the consequence. But we continue to tell her things - and then say “see, your parents know something.” We also prep her a lot for things - so that she has the ‘right’ information in her head before she comes across something and makes it up…today’s car lecture with a nine and ten year old “when do you guys think is a good age to get married.” - We agreed late twenties - and early thirties before you start having kids. I’m hoping that this “knowledge” will sink in and keep me from having a teenage mother in my house.
But if the child grows into a well rounded, good mannered generally nice adult, is it really a ‘mistake’ in the long run? I try to think about the long run when I stress about something I’ve perceived as a mistake with my daughter. Like the sleeping thing I mentioned earlier. While it’s not usually the best idea to cater to her in the middle of the night, is it really going to affect her adveresly as an adult? Or even an older child. According to my mom none of us kids slept through the night until we were at least two. We turned out fine in the sleeping department at the very least.
I do agree though that some mistakes really are detrimentle to their future like teaching poor eating habits and poor manners. It’s just something I try to force myself to think about. Because I have enough going on in my life without stressing over how encouraging my baby to make raspberries and spit bubbles is going to developmentally going to scar her for life or some nonsense.
That was my point. Lots of people have been raised by parents who made mistakes and the kids turned out just fine. Giving in to one tantrum isn’t going to make your kid turn out to be a terrible person. It’s a whole different animal than consistently giving in to tantrums.
Totally agree! Offering a reasonable explanation is all well and fine. Except. . .sometimes you just don’t have time for that (do you really have time to ‘explain’ why running out into the parking lot is a bad thing when the kid is hell-bent on doing it anyway?); sometimes you don’t really know why you’re saying ‘no’, but you have a gut instinct, and feel you must follow it; sometimes you have a kid who will argue with every single explanation you give.
By all means, explain, within reason. But after a certain point, you can simply ‘pull rank’ on them. My hubby has an expression he’s taught our kids from an early age: ‘RHIP’ which stands for "Rank Has Its Privileges’. This comes into play when a kid starts whining “How come Daddy gets to drink soda any time he wants to?” “RHIP”. “How come Mommy doesn’t have to do her chores until she’s ready to?” “RHIP”.
Actually, I have two kids. And you’re right. My first was a difficult, cranky baby that evolved into a difficult, troublesome teenager. Though, a beautiful, compassionate young man, he was not always fun to parent or pleasant to be around. My daughter, the second child, seems to be much easier: gentler and more compliant, a happier baby evolving into a sensitive, but bubbly girl.
Don’t I know it!
This is all I’m saying. Smart parents pick their battles and know how to make a potentially contentious interaction a positive one instead, which is exactly what **overlyverbose **did there with the broccoli. And her attitude towards getting her child to eat indicates to me that she generally takes the easy-going route to parenting rather than a rigid, militant one and that her son likely responds well to that.
Having been a parent dealing with dinnertime issues for, oh, about 17 years, and still am (daughter is 10yo), I was just impressed with her out-of-the-box approach and wanted to say so.
This is a very important point. You may as well accept, right from the start, that you’re going to make mistakes. You just are. That doesn’t mean you say ‘to hell with it’ and throw in the towel and let them do what they want. But it means you don’t beat yourself up over the mistakes you do make. And if it comes time to correct the mistake (“But you always let me watch TV anytime I wanted to, before!”) you can explain to your kid you made a mistake, because everyone makes mistakes sometimes (“Yes, I realize that; now I realize that’s not the best thing for you to be allowed to do, and I’m trying to fix the mistake I’ve made”).
In the long run, this is a plus in parenting. It teaches kids that everyone makes mistakes and that, when you realize you’re doing something wrong, you should do what you can to correct it.
Many, many parents seem to think that if they apologize to their kids or admit they were wrong, the kid will see them as ‘weak’ or ‘vulnerable’, but I personally think it breeds respect.
This is a great thread. Here’s one thing we did wrong and one thing we did right.
Our oldest is three and youngest is one. The oldest was and is an AWESOME sleeper. The youngest has always been an early waker. My wife and I get up around 6-7 (Wife is part-time worker), but our son always got up around 5-5:30. Always. We tried to put him down later a couple of times, but he woke up at the same time. Our daughter always goes to bed around 7 and wakes up around 7. Always. We thought our son should be the same. Turns out he doesn’t need as much sleep for whatever reason. Now (months later) we put him down at 8 and he wakes up around 6-7. Everybody is so much happier. So, further proof that not all children are the same and don’t expect them to be.
What we did right? Consistency. Kids love certainty. Nap time was always the same time. Lunch was always the same time. Dinner was always the same time. Baths every night at the same time. Story every night and in bed at the same time. As much as possible. Cuts down on tantrums because the kids know that no amount of screaming will change the schedule. Plus, their bodies are used to eating, sleeping, etc at the same time. It cuts down on a lot of spontaneity, to be sure, but the kids (and parents) are happier for it.
