Mistakes, Regret, And Forgiveness.

In My Humble Opinion
1

We’ve all heard someone say, “I have no regrets. Life is too short for regrets.”

I personally think that this is bunk. I never take this phrase to be true, or the speaker seriously. I then assume that the speaker is either being facetious, or is too immature to realize their own mistakes.

We all make mistakes. I have made a lot in my lifetime. If you don’t recognize the mistake, then you are bound to repeat it. If you recognize the mistake, you can choose to fix it and/or not do it again. But either way, depending on the seriousness of the mistake, you will probably regret it.

This time of year always makes me turn introspective. This is not because of the end of the year is close, and New Year’s resolutions, or any likewise superficial reasons. It is more physical than that. It’s cold outside. There is less sunlight. I have to wear more clothes. In general, I’m more melancholy this time of year. To be quite honest, I enjoy this in a very selfish manner. It is one of the reasons I look forward to this time of year.

I was in love when I was in High School, although I didn’t know it. She was in love with me, too, and I did not realize it. In High School, I was also slightly depressed. My head was just a soup of self-doubt and frustration. I did not know why such a beautiful woman would want to be in a relationship with me. I was wasting her time. She deserved much more than I could offer her. She was just going to dump me anyways. I might as well put her out of her misery.

After graduation, I broke up with her while at home on leave from the military. It was two days before Valentine’s Day. I did it the night before I had to go back to the base that I was stationed at, 725 miles away. It didn’t break her heart. It smashed it into pieces. As soon as I did it, and saw how it effected her, I knew the gravity of the mistake I had made. The words were but seconds from my lips, and the irreversible damage had immediately been done. There is absolutely no going back after that point.

I found out, a few seconds too late, that her feelings for me were practically bottomless.

The whole experience with this girl was one big whole learning experience for me. Everyone has a few momentous events in their lives that form the rules that guide the rest of their life. For me, this was one of them, chock full of regret. Everything since then has in some way, directly or indirectly, has been influenced by my mistake.

Of course, after that, I tried desperately to get back into her life. On top of the regret and pain, I was now feeling guilt for causing her so much pain. My efforts always failed. She never forgave me. She never took me back. I gave up after four years of trying, and we went our separate ways.

That was nearly ten years ago, and not a day has passed that I don’t think about this girl.

I’m married now. Been so for three years. No children.

I’m mature enough to play out the scenario both ways:

  1. I did not break up with her. We lived happily, blissfully, and unaware, ever after. And I would never have had to experience this amount pain and regret. I also would not have learned and matured as much as I have.

  2. The other option is what reality currently is. I’m married. Good job. House. Cats. Hobbies.

I think I ran into her at Home Depot last weekend. I was working on my latest house project. I was in the hardware section trying to select the correct screws for the job. I was probably standing there a good twenty minutes, studying these screws and working the project out in my head, before I selected the ones that I would use.

I turn around to leave the aisle, when a woman standing ten feet away quickly turned her head away from me. It was cold that day, so she was dressed pretty thickly. She had a hood on.

As I walked past her I was staring at her covered face. It was obvious that this woman did not want me to see her face. Her body was facing one way, but her face was turned completely away. The only skin that I saw was her lips and chin, that her hair was not covering. It all looked like it could be hers.

We’ve all exchanged eye contact with strangers in stores. After a moments glance, you look away. It was just plain odd that this woman would twist her head in such an awkward way just to avoid eye contact.

Not to seem like a psycho, I just kept walking. I waited until I got to the end of the aisle to stop and turn back. She was gone.

2

I have so much running through my head after reading your post that I’m finding it hard to sort through everything to post a reply. I do want to say to you that I have someone in my life that has used the “no regrets” line before. I agree with you that it’s just talk. I know some people will try to say that’s how they live their lives and that they don’t regret their past because they wouldn’t be who they are now and all that, but really…everyone could find at least one thing they could say they regretted and/or would change. We are all fallible.

Be grateful for all you have today, for we are not promised tomorrow. Live, laugh, love.

3

I tend to use the no regrets line because in all seriousness, I don’t really regret much. Instead, I tend to look at my mistakes as learning opportunities. (Same reason I refuse to admit to failure. I simply don’t believe in the concept. Explanation to follow.) Each horrifying, painful experience has turned out to be a pivotal life-lesson situation for me and for the most part, I can’t think of a single regret from which I learned nothing. And, if I learned something from my mistake, it wasn’t a waste of time, or energy. I don’t like to wallow in the past – I prefer to make lemonade when life hands me lemons. Sure, there are choices I would change if I could go back in time. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I regret the choice I did make. Even when I’m going through something painful or terrible, I’ll say to myself, “Gee, I can’t wait until I get through this so I can look back and figure out what I’ve learned.” As long as I’ve learned or grown from a negative experience, then the experience is useful and there’s nothing to regret.

That said, when someone asks me what I regret, my answer is, “Regret not what you have done or the choices you made. Regret only what you did not have the courage to try.”

I’ll try just about anything once, so I really can’t even think of anything substantial that I was too chicken to give it a shot. I’m afraid to waterski. It looks like fun, so I guess I regret having not tried it. However, I’m not dead yet, so why regret something that I still have an opportunity to try? (I will be racking my brain to think of something I didn’t try and no longer have the opportunity to.)

Oh, and The One That Got Away? I do regret dumping him. I still do not consider that feeling to be “regret” because I learned a lot about myself through that experience and also how NOT to handle relationships. I miss him and I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to keep the relationship going. But I don’t regret dumping him. Turns out: it was for the best all along. We are very different people now than back in the day, so it most likely wouldn’t have lasted anyway.

I think.

4

I have made many mistakes and done things just plain wrong, mostly in taking care of myself and making decisions that hurt me instead of helped me. If I could go back and change things, I would in a heart beat.

That said, in the big overall scheme of things, I don’t carry much guilt about things done to hurt other people. I only hurt myself, usually, so I feel regret but not guilt. Does that make sense?

5

What I regret most is not having better communication with the people I love. I know that this is something that can be fixed and I am trying to do that, but after having waited so long, it will take time to get to know them again. I regret that I never opened up more to these people and let them know just what I was feeling, how much they mean me, and how much I love them. These are the biggest regrets I have in life. I look at the bad situations I have been through the same way many other people do, as learning tools to make myself a better person and become stronger.

6

I have that philosophy of “No regrets”, but not the way you’re thinking. I apply it to the aspect of having the courage to make a tough choice, going for the gusto, or taking the path less traveled. I do not want to regret taking any opportunities that come my way, so I go for them if things seem right.

OTOH, I don’t regret anything in my past that I’ve had control over. Try as you might there is no way you can tell how an alternate future might have turned out. You have no way of knowing if taking a different action would have made the situation turn out better. You generally can’t undo the past, but in the few times I’ve had the opportunity I’ve tried to turn it to the best with new insight.

I regret my father suddenly dying of a heart attack, that I have a half-brother that I haven’t shared a life with, that my favorite cat of 7 years disappeared a few months ago, and that they stopped making Reese’s Crunchy Cookie Cups. It’s nothing that I had any control over nor can I fix them. Regretted, but I don’t dwell on them (much).

7

If I went back and changed the major heartbreak in my life then I’d not have my angel (my sweet, three year old daughter). I only wish that she were mine and my current and wonderful SO’s child instead of my ex-husband’s. She might not be autistic if this were the case but I do not regret having her. Just regret the man who helped me make her.

I did a few foolish things in my life that I regret doing, mostly when I was hurt by a lover. I regret not going directly into college after high school but I was young and having fun. I feel I wasted so much time and you can’t get that back.

I’m not making hundreds of thousands of dollars, I’m not a best-selling writer, I’m not in the best situation but I have love. I have two people who love me more than the universe and several good friends that bring love and laughter into my life, as well as humor. I feel worthy to have these people in my life but to say I do not regret, sometimes daily, would be a lie.