Assuming that you have to live together to be a couple.
My partner and I tried living together in a 1-bedroom NYC apartment, for 3 miserable years. It was having a serious effect on our relationship. Now, we live in two adjacent houses, and we couldn’t be happier.
Expecting your partner to fix all your problems. Expecting them to be there every single time you ‘‘need’’ them.
I’ve been there. I like being able to take care of myself much better.
When I was a younger man, during one of my first serious relationships I had this crazy naive idea that if this person truly loves me for who I am, I should be able to speak my mind about whatever, so anytime I had a thought I would just fire away. Hopefully you already know this, but if not, trust me, do not do this.
Fortunately since then I have learned to edit my thoughts before expressing them and to do so with tact.
You can’t be serious.
Perhaps he is older than you. Such ideas were once commonplace, and confirmed by experience. But I suspect in the modern world that part would no longer apply. Attitudes change over time.
Scorched earth policy. +1
I would think it’s a more modern convention - in a small community, you have to deal with your exes. In a big, modern, anonymous world, why bother?
I agree with those who think casual, solo meetings with exes have no place in a current relationship.
I judge the appropriateness of “coffee” based on whether it would be uncomfortable if the current partner happened by. IMHO, you shouldn’t be seeing someone casually, for any reason, if the sudden, unexpected presence of your current partner would be unwelcome.
If everyone knows and likes each other, that’s a different story.
ETA: My past mistakes in SO relationships (other than not seeing warning signs to get out) are the rules of sharing a household. i.e., if both partners do a little more cleanup than they think they should, everyone’s going to be happy. As soon as you start leaving shit around for your partner to deal with, it’s a problem. Also, falling into the “stay in and watch TV” rut every night. Even taking a 20-minute walk to the coffeeshop to get tea and cookies together breaks up the evening in a nice way, as inviting as the couch may be.
Why does coffee need quotation marks? I can’t be the only person in the world who has had coffee or gone to lunch or visited the homes of exes, can I? I don’t know that I’ve ever been anywhere anytime with a former partner that the unexpected presence of my wife or their husband would be unwelcome.
I guess there is far more jealousy or distrust or low self esteem in the world than I’ve ever been exposed to. Or maybe it’s just immaturity? I suppose when I was a teen if my girlfriend was with anyone but me I was jealous or suspicious, but I outgrew that thirty years ago and apparently all my partners did, too, because none has ever suggested there was anything wrong with socializing with an ex.
Of course none of my relationships ended because of infidelity on anyone’s part, so I’ve never felt that a partner might cheat, and I think my partners have trusted me, too.
Out of curiosity, what do you consider “keeping tabs”?
For example, my first wife and I managed to salvage a friendship out of the ruins of our marriage. We communicated upon occasion over the years and now with the advent of Facebook, we occasionally say hi and fill each other in on what’s happening in our lives. I don’t consider that “keeping tabs” on her. She and I have both remarried and have our own lives. As Gotye says, she’s somebody that I used to know.
By the way, SWMBO is perfectly aware of this and has no objection to it whatsoever.
That, as I was saying, is the key difference. I’ve had relationships where my partner wants to keep in touch with an ex, or old female friends, but all their communications/meetings seemed to happen when I wasn’t around, and that is a red flag for me. Like I said, if everyone knows everyone else and is comfortable, it’s a different ball game.
I don’t feel like my exes are a threat, but my husband doesn’t like me chitchatting with them, and they live across the country anyway, so our “keeping in touch” relationships have dwindled. I don’t miss them.