What are some mistakes people make in SO relationships?
Here’s one I experienced…insisting on seeing an ex “just for coffee” when they know it hurts you and they previously agreed to not meet up with their ex:mad:
That one sounds pretty deliberate.
True, it wasn’t like he slipped and landed in a Starbucks having coffee with her…:dubious:
Hopefully it doesn’t end this way. 
That would be worse than starbucks…
Expecting the other person to know what’s going on in your mind and getting upset when they don’t. (See also: Refusing to tell them when it’s clear they don’t know, because “I shouldn’t have to tell you, you should just know.”)
Being a doormat and always putting the other person ahead of yourself. (See also: Being a dick and always putting yourself ahead of the other person.)
Blaming your current SO for the failings of a past SO. It’s an easy mistake to make, but so very unfair. Don’t assume their unworthiness. Let them earn it before you blame them!
This may or may not apply to the OP:
Having arguments where you refuse to accept any sort of compromise other than agreement, even if means hours and hours and hours of grinding away until the other person admits you are right. People feel like that superficial agreement was coerced and that they don’t have any obligation to hold to it. This pattern ultimately leads to chronic lying, because telling the truth–standing by your disagreement–is never worth it. You never win. You’re never right. It’s much better to just “not upset” the other person with the truth.
On the flip side (and this also may or may not be relevant to the OP), failing to take your partner’s feeling seriously when you can’t understand them. Assuming they don’t really find something hurtful or uncomfortable because you don’t. Assuming something isn’t really a big deal in some objective sense because it isn’t a big deal to you, so they are the ones overreacting, they are the ones with the problem.
You have been told not to do this before (and recently). This is now a warning for you, Ambivalid. Do not alter or change other quotes, however fun or funny it may make it.
Do you want to talk about it?
But seriously, I never really got the problem or the mindset behind this. Obviously, I know absolutely nothing about your particular situation, and you may be completely justified in your disappointment, but what’s the big deal? Do you believe he will cheat on you? If so, do you think making a big deal out of this will help your case? If he’s committed to you and really does want to see the ex “just for coffee”, you don’t have anything to worry about. If something nefarious is indeed going on, you being all clingy and making this more important than it is is not going to make you more attractive to him or make your SO want to see his ex any less. The way I personally see it, if someone has been a part of your life for some time and the two of you parted amicably (and for good!), wanting to keep them around is perfectly natural. Guilting your SO into giving up any and all contact to anyone he’s ever dated is, IMHO, unreasonable and unfair.
Veni, vidi, latte grande?
Expecting your SO to love everything that YOU love, simply because the two of you are IN love.
I remember one afternoon when Hubster returned from the grocery store, all excited. He dumped the bags on the kitchen table where I was sitting with The Son and The Daughter, having some life-changing conversation. Hubster announces, all smiles, “I bought cantaloupe and ice cream for dessert tonight!”
I did an eyeroll. Hubster says, “WHY? What’s wrong with THAT?”
The Daughter (who was probably junior high school age at the time) did her best deadpan voice: “Dad, Mom doesn’t even LIKE cantaloupe!”
“WHAT? Since WHEN?”
At that time, we’d been married about 25 years. I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I’ve always HATED cantaloupe!”
Jump to present time. We’re celebrating 39 years of marriage this coming June. I bet he still thinks I love cantaloupe, BECAUSE HE DOES.
~VOW
Oh, tollhouse, that’s not a mistake, that is a dealbreaker. After my divorce, I refused to continue to date any man who keeps tabs on his exes…that’s just a pathetic man who can’t cut the cord. My rule is that once you’ve slept with someone, there is no possibility that person can ever become a true, platonic friend…if a man saw that rule differently than I do, then he wasn’t the man for me.
A mistake that’s NOT a dealbreaker: Hmm…assuming your SO wants to go to the same vacation destination as you do, and making reservations without asking if you’d like a place like that. Or taking the other for granted, like my fiance expecting a cooked meal daily and wondering if the sky fell if there’s not cooked food in the kitchen (I had to go on “strike” once to break him of that line of thinking).
Mistakes are something that can be forgiven. Adulterous behavior and dishonesty cannot and should not be forgiven…a person is healthier alone than keeping a toxic person in their life for the sake of a relationship.
Do you base that on personal evidence or does it just rub you the wrong way?
I will NEVER understand this line of reasoning. Do many people REALLY feel this way?
I have not had a lot of exes, but I’ve been on good terms with all of them.
One ex, who decided she was gay, has been a facebook friend and we’ve met a couple of times over the years to catch up. (OneDay might accept* that* because the ex is no longer interested in men. . .)
Another ex I chatted with in the grocery store last Sunday.
Another I’ve had a rather longer internet friendship with, but she doesn’t live far away and we’ve gotten together, both alone and with our respective families, quite a few times. (And by alone, I mean I’ve visited her home, hung out, had coffee, as well as her visiting my office.)
Another was, for a couple of years, my daughter’s gymnastics teacher.
Never has my wife given any of this a second thought. Why should she? They’re EXes. That means what once was is over and done with. But we’re still friends.
My parents are divorced–one is remarried one has had a long-term partner–and they have seen each other from time to time. Heck, they were married for 35 years, have four children and three grandchildren. They do have a thing or two in common that they might want to talk about once is a while.
What’s the problem OneDay?
You and I would get on famously. When “Somebody That I Used To Know” became a hit, three of my exes sent me links to the song. To me, when a relationship is over, it’s over - I won’t meet you for coffee to hash over the break-up, talk for hours on the phone dissecting things, etc. I get gone, and I stay gone, and as much as possible I don’t mention them again. Dragging things out, trying to be friends, that doesn’t work for me and I rarely see it work for anyone else.
Refusing to own up to a situation. If your SO feels slighted by something you did, specifically mentions what/why/when, and you STILL deny responsibility they are going to feel disrespected. Some people get really defensive and feel like they are being blamed for something they didn’t do, so they don’t want to just confess to something. But they often lose sight of what they did do, how their SO felt about it, etc.
Wife: You forgot to take out the garbage
Me: Oh, sorry. I forgot it goes out today
(matter over, no fight)
Wife: You forgot to take out the garbage
Me: Why didn’t you remind me?!
(big fight)
Okay, having now read your other thread I’m a little confused. Is your SO not “keeping tabs” on his ex-wife? Maybe not in the way that anyone would want to, but you don’t seem to have a problem with this. Is it because of kids? Or because they were married? Is it because she is a crazy drug addict? I’d much prefer my SO continuing a friendship with a healthy adult to them being forced into the train wreck you are describing.
Yeah, that seems (from my experience) a little harsh. I’m not friends with my ex-girlfriend, but my girlfriend gets along with her ex-husband. Which is certainly better, in my opinion, than if she put energy into despising him at this point.
This is a problem.
This is a bigger one. I’m of the “exes are ex for a good reason” group, too - once someone’s an ex, they’re pretty much over for me. I’d have to take it on a case-by-case basis rather than saying that no one should ever have coffee with an ex, but if it hurts you when he wants to do this, and he agreed not to do it, then he needs to leave the exes in the past and focus on his current relationship with you.