Mom, cancer, and respect

The BBQ Pit
1

In this thread, I outline my recent adventures and misadventures with my cervix (namely, cancer):

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=143118&highlight=cervix

Less than 48 hours from now, my doctor will fry the surface of my cervix with a laser. Supposedly this sounds much more terrifying than it actually is; it’s done under local anaesthesia, and theoretically I can go straight to work from the hospital (although I’m planning on taking the rest of the week off).

Well, I should have listened to Apricot, because ever since I told her what was going on, Mom has been driving me absolutely insane. I am 34 fucking years old, people besides my mother have told me I’m smart and have exceptional reading comprehension skills, I got practically straight A’s all through school, including in science classes, and since my diagnosis I have read numerous articles on cervical cancer treatments, HPV transmission, and related topics from the CDC, NIH, National Cancer Institute, *Our Bodies, Ourselves, * and a whole host of other places, in addition to speaking at length with my doctor, with a friend’s mom who is a pathologist, and with a number of people who have been through the procedure themselves. There is complete agreement in the medical literature that this is the most appropriate treatment in my situation, it’s 99% likely that I’m going to be absolutely fine after this procedure.

Mom, however, seems to have decided that she’s qualified as a gynecologic oncologist, although she never even took a college-level science class and always did lousy in math and science subjects (she hasn’t yet mastered the decimal point and can barely balance her checkbook). Without having read a single word on the subject, she has decided that I’m in grave danger; that my surgery requires general anaesthesia (although I told her it didn’t) and should be performed by an oncologist rather than my gynecologist; that I need second, third, and fourth opinions; that I haven’t adequately examined all my treatment options (although she doesn’t even know what they consist of, nor has she bothered to ask); and that she should drive me for my appointment. In addition, she decided last week that it was appropriate to talk about my situation with someone I went to summer camp with at age 12, who I haven’t been friends with in over 10 years, and have her call me AT WORK to continue with Mom’s mission of driving me insane by second-guessing everything I do. This person got me so upset that I couldn’t concentrate on anything for the rest of the day.

Mom did pretty much the same thing when I broke my leg a few years ago (given, it wasn’t an ordinary break, as it has required four surgeries, an external fixator, a plate and screws, and a whole pile of other treatment)…I had to have her restrained from the ER, and during surgery and followup, she repeatedly tortured my doctor with stupid and uninformed questions and somehow convinced one of his nurses to give her information about my condition, because she thought I was concealing information from her (I wasn’t).

How is it that my mom can be an activist for patient’s rights to privacy ad independent, informed decisionmaking, and yet violate those of her own adult, competent daughter? Why does she not understand that all she is accomplishing is stressing me out more than I already am? Stress is not conducive to healing! And aren’t family members supposed to provide support in time of need? I sure don’t feel supported, at least not by her!

Needless to say, Mom is NOT coming with me on Wednesday; I’m not even telling her when and where my appointment is, because she’ll disregard my wishes and show up anyway. Every time she’s called since I told her, the conversation has ended with her screaming at me until I hang up on her. Does anyone know where I can get Mom a very, very special batch of brownies? I think it’s the only way I’m going to get any peace. She needs drugs way more than I do right now. Or even better, can someone please get my mom laid, preferably energetically and repeatedly?

2

Now, now…sure she’s a pain in the tush right now, but she’s your mom and she’s terrified. Some moms just flip out at the thought of their children becoming seriously ill. Get her those brownies and hide from her until you’re back on your feet. :wink: Good luck with your procedure.

3

Next time you’ll know. Consider this a learning experience.
On the plus side, by continuing to tell her about all the research you’ve done, you’ll probably REALLY convinced yourself that you’ve made the right decision. Good luck with the procedure, and treat yourself easy for a while. You deserve it.

4

She’s scared, obviously more scared than you.

I don’t know her so I can’t offer communication options, but since you seem a whole lot more grounded about this than she is, I would suggest patience.

5

Well, thanks for the moral support, guys; if I weren’t already barely holding it together, I’d probably be less upset by Mom’s actions. As it is, though, it’s definitely time to spring for the Caller ID. Some Valium to dissolve in Mom’s coffee wouldn’t be a bad idea, either. And she wonders why I don’t want to confide in her…

6

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through the extra “side effects” here in addition to the stress of what you’re having treated.

It does sound like you’ve done your homework, and from what I’ve read, it is very treatable at this stage, and you should have every reason to expect a good prognosis. Let’s hear it for the pap smear!

Your Mom, however ------- I wholeheartedly suggest you stick to your guns, and don’t even tell her when and where the appointment is. It sounded as if you knew before telling her what her reaction was going to be, and you were right. Since you know that she will just make things more stressful for you by being there, don’t give in and give out the information. (For the same reason, I didn’t call people with the information that I was going into labor until after the baby was delivered — I didn’t want company or phone calls in the labor delivery room. A “friend” found out I was in labor with my second child by calling the hospital and asking for me, and she drove me nuts by continuously calling for progress reports.)

I’m so sorry that your Mom can’t be a support person for you, and that this has even probably left you very careful about who you WILL tell anything to in fear that they may leak it to your Mom. Please know that you have people here who care about you, are confident that your treatment will go well, and are sending positive thoughts your way.

7

If it’s the same as what I had (sounds like it, though I had “potentially pre-cancerous cells”) it’s not that bad. I mean it’s not much worse than any given visit to the gynocologist. You definately don’t need anaesthetic (and I say this as someone who requested gas for a particularly intense tooth cleaning.)

Oh and I’ve been fine (12 years) ever since.

Of course as an intelligent and well-informed patient you know all this, and you mother still won’t believe it…

I say stay away from her till it’s over. You’re the patient, she shouldn’t be stressing you out.

8

My sympathy on your mother.

I went through this with Aaron. I had been identified as Group B Strep-positive, which can be lethal to the baby. In fact, I’d lost my first child to GBS infection. Every time Aaron coughed, sneezed or burped, my mother would pester me to take Aaron to the pediatrician for a blood culture. Never mind the fact that I’d researched and bookmarked the symptoms of GBS infection; that I’d had antibiotics in labor; and that Aaron had no signs of infection at all. In her mind, it was GBS infection, and that meant a blood culture. I dealt with her by thanking her for her concern and blowing it off. I certainly wasn’t willing to put Aaron through the repeated discomfort of multiple blood tests to humor my mother.

That said, your mom is being a mom. She’s scared that she’s going to lose you, and she’s showing it by being a total pain in the ass.

One thing I would advise, however, is to have your chart flagged to “remind” your doctor’s nurses NOT to discuss your condition with your mother. It’s none of her business what you’re having done, and she doesn’t have any special right to your information just because she’s your mother. And discuss this with your doctor, as well.

Robin

9

Send your mother this OP, or at least a version slightly modified to be in letter format.

10

Eva Luna, I long ago adopted the policy of only telling my parents about medical or financial emergencies AFTER the fact.

Sorry she can’t be more supportive for you.

11

eva luna, best wishes for the procedure (tomorrow, right?), and trust me, if i could i’d be baking the brownies right now.

because you can’t borrow my boyfriend.

just be assured that you are going to be ok, that your gynaecologist knows what they’re doing, and that your mother just doesn’t handle this stuff well.

12

Thanks ** irishgirl; ** Mom does tend to go for younger guys here and there, but I’m guessing that nearly 60 is probably stretching it for your boyfriend. Maybe it’s time for a gift of a small, battery-operated appliance for Mom.

I’m feeling really old right now, as I apparently no longer know anyone with the knowledge of where to obtain certain vital brownie ingredients. It’s almost as good as the time a telemarketer tried to sell me on “pre-need planning” for a cemetery plot! I was 28 at the time…

Actually, I’m way less stressed about the medical aspects of the surgery right now than I am about my mom and sister. Maybe some good chocolate will improve my disposition. Either that, or I need to learn to enjoy drinking heavily.

13

Eva Luna -

I have an aunt who had cervical cancer almost 50 years ago, in her mid-20’s.

She’ll be 71 this year.

No recurrance.

I like to tell that story to folks who are getting a procedure done like the one you’ll have - you need all the encouragement you can get.

Sorry about the mom problem, though…