Be sure he understands this. He may not like the idea of an apartment, but it’s not exactly a moral failing or anything to live in one, even when married, and it’s your life and mental health at stake, which he needs to realize affects him too.
DoperChic, I’ve been following this thread silently so far, but it’s time for me to speak up and and say Way to go! I’m thrilled to hear that you stood up to your mom. I hope it’s just a start.
UPDATE
I went out to a family party this afternoon, then to a bachelorette party tonight. I am just getting home and am way more than a little drunk. I really needed this. It was so much fun. Me and the bachelorette got hammered. Mom’s asleep, thank god. I need to go to bed too. Good night all.
I’m glad it was a good night for you, DoperChick. I haven’t posted to this thread before but have been reading it constantly, and with considerable worry.
A blast of oxygen to the suffocating, isn’t it?–accepting that nobody, flat-out nobody can wrestle someone else’s life into workable order. All the love, sweat, sleep starvation and vicarious WILL in the world can’t forcibly haul anybody back from a brink they won’t even acknowledge.
You can love your mother but you can’t save her. ‘Loving’ her by enabling just cripples her…and squanders your life in the hopeless process.
I’m so glad you’ve swum free and reached the surface.
Well done! 
This is really important for you and you must not feel guilty.
Make a life for yourself.
Good for you, DoperChic!
She’d quickly be charged with elder abuse, I’d think. She IS the caretaker now and cannot walk away without securing another caretaker.
That’s not to say that the OP should continue to be a doormat for her mom. There’s a lot of good advice here, and I second the suggestion that if the current caretaker doesn’t follow orders, find one who will. Regardless of how much you resent what she’s doing, she’s still your mom and you will feel terrible if something worse befalls her because you don’t want to be pushed around any longer. Help is out there and it sounds like you’re on the right path to solving the problem to everyone’s benefit. Best of luck to you.
I second everyone else in saying congrats on making definite plans on moving out, and on doing what you need to. But I have to complain about DoperGuy. Why, exactly, is an apartment so bad? Actually, I would encourage that you live for at least a year or so on your own in the apartment, without DoperGuy - seeing as how you’ve lived with your VERY dependent mother your whole life and have never had a place of your own…do you really want to move in with someone else again before you’ve even had a chance to be on your own? I think the house can wait until you’ve had a chance to take a breather.
But that’s just my two cents. I really think everyone should live alone for a little while, it’s good for them. In the end, you do whatever you have to do to get over this. It has traumatized you, and it will be with you for a long long time. And I speak from experience of two toxic parents too, nowhere near like your mother but still pretty bad.
Best of luck Doperchic. I second the recommendation to look for online support groups. When I found out as an adult I’d been adopted those groups really helped me.
I thought the 14th Amendment outlawed slavery.
She is not her mother’s legal guardian. She has no legal responsibility to care for her mother.
She can walk out the door and never come back any time she likes.
Me too. DoperChic, knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel should be the force that drives you on; just bury the past and focus on the future with your soon to be husband and living in a house/apt. away from your mother. Drop the anger and resentment because it might spill over onto other relationships…don’t let that happen. Instead, consider this your soon to be completed tour of duty with no re-enlistments pending.
I don’t think Doperchic should just walk out. But what law are you referring to? 
I was sort of on my own for most of my college years. I lived in apartment with 4 other girls. I could come and go as I pleased. It was absolute heaven compared to living at home. The only things I was responsible for were myself and my hamster. I think I went into some sort of caregiver shock when I moved out and had to have something to take care of, so I got a hamster. Cute little guy. I still came home most weekends and stayed with Mom all summer, though. But for at least 5 days a week I was on my own. God, I miss school.
I would love to get an apartment on my own, but I just can’t afford to right now. I’d be putting out at least half my take home pay every month just in rent. I would wind up having my fiance over all the time anyway which would defeat the purpose of having my own place. I just love the guy that much. 
As for those of you concerned about me just leaving Mom all alone, rest assured that she is far from alone. My sister will still be at home, Mom has sisters 10, 20, and 40 minutes away, along with numerous friends and other family all within 15 minutes. They will have to step up and do more once I’m gone.
I just found out that there are numerous behavioral health facilities in Philly (we’re really close to the city) that might be able to take Mom. We’re looking into that along with Andover. I just hope that three months is long enough to get her settled in. I would hate to leave her alone. I will do it, though if it comes down to it.
Philly? Are you on the PA side or the NJ side? Because there’s a Dopefest in Gettysburg in July with your name on it, DoperChic. Og knows you deserve the break.
That is not what I heard. it has nothing to do with slavery. I was once at my parents house while my father was in the hospital. My mohter was in a wheelchair and couldn’t fend for herself.
I called and asked for her health care worker to come over as I had to get back to my city (a half hour away) and they told me if I left, I would be arrested.
I have just found this thread and it is heartbreaking and frustrating. I can only imagine the horror of living it.
Because of your mother’s finacial state and age, she may qualify for a group home on Medicare/Medicade ( I get them confused) . But her awful weight situation really is a huge problem.
You need to stop subsidizing her bills. Not only is she sucking you dry emotionally, but financially. Your scars from this are very deep and I am very proud of you for putting your foot down.
A friend of ours Dad was on the edge of morbidity when when had his stroke. He has been in a nursing home for at least 4 years and one would think that with the diet there he would lose a few pounds. Nope. His wife is there 10 hours a day and brings him food. She is the very model of co-dependency. He is a goodyear blimp and his only exercize is using his good arm to put food in his mouth. He can’t walk, barely talk and wears a diaper.
The problem is twofold with this friend’s dad: because mom is there so much the staff doesn’t come into the room hardly at all and mom feels she has to take care of everything herself because they never come around. It is a vicious co-dependent circle. (And it is a much nicer nursing home.) Their three kids each take turns on a Weekend visiting ( all have young kids) but that is the most they do. Hanging around the situation is depressing and reasoning with their mother is futile. She will probably die before him.
There are no easy answers.
You gave a deadline. Stick to it. We are here for support.
Here’s a broad description of elder abuse: http://www.aoa.gov/eldfam/Elder_Rights/Elder_Abuse/Elder_Abuse.asp
Obviously, laws differ from state to state, but abandonment is definitely something that qualifies. Now, she’s not 60, but she is disabled, so I’d think there are similar laws to protect her in that case as well. I also think self-neglect is apparent here. Her mom isn’t making the right choices for herself, i.e., food, mental health, etc. I’m not big on making decisions for others in most cases, but if her mom was left to her own devices, you can bet the situation would be even worse than it is.
By caring for her all these years, Doperchic has effectively put herself in a position where she (and her sister to a lesser degree) are responsible for her care. I think we can probably draw a parallel with the alimony thread that was going on a couple weeks ago. The husband agreed to let his wife stay home, so when divorce time comes, he’s responsible for her support.
This doesn’t mean Doperchic is tethered to her mom forever. But she would have to make sure someone else takes over before she leaves. And it sounds like that’s exactly what she’s trying to do. She loves her mom and doesn’t want her to come into harm’s way, but she’s frustrated and cannot provide the best care…the care her mom needs to become self-sufficient and healthy. She’s absolutely correct in thinking that her mom needs professional assistance and that she herself has done everything she can. It’s time to pass the baton and start building a life for herself. EVERYONE will benefit.
Thanks for the link.
I would be astonished to hear that a mother who grooms one of her children to stay a her permament carer could use this law on that child, but I guess it’s a risk.
I also think that the marriage was a legal contract, but again I’m not a lawyer, so can’t say how the courts would interpret this ‘relationship’.
Of course we both agree that Doperchic should get out as soon as alternative arrangements are in place.
Personally, I think you would be doing your mom a big favor by turning her care over to someone else (such as a nursing home). She may not be happy about it at first …or even never… but I think it’s a chance worth taking. She needs a team of trained people, not one or two daughters.
Or you could continue as your are indefinitely. Ouch.
My brother and I took care of my dad when he had Parkinson’s disease. We have other siblings, etc., but they, like your family, were ‘too busy’ to help. It was a big job that could have used more than two people. Even after I had two small children (including a critically ill newborn who spent his first 4 months of his life in the hospital), they were happy to leave Dad’s care to me and my brother.
The point is ‘they’ will never, ever have the time to help you (really, her), but will likely have plenty of time to point out what you are doing inadequately (sp?). As long as you are the dutiful (beyond reason) daughter, they don’t have to do anything for your mom. It suits them to have you do it all.
I’m still a little resentful about some parts of Dad’s care, but also feel that the others missed out on something important and have decided just to ‘let it go’. One sister took him to a nursing home (the only thing she ever did for him and because I didn’t feel physically capable of making the drive) and while I wasn’t happy about it placing him, it was for the best. He needed more expert care and I was too distracted with the ill baby to care for him properly. The only time the other sister watched him, she lost him. The other two brothers never showed up once.
BTW, I’m a registered nurse and couldn’t do the job by myself. Your job is too much for two people.
It probably wouldn’t be her mother who would blow the whistle on her. It would be a friend or some other relative who visits regularly. Or someone would find her near death and it would come out then. A nursing home seems like the best route for them at this point, as medicaid will pick up the cost. A full-time at home caretaker is cheaper than the nursing home (it is for my SIL) but you have to pay for it out of pocket.
Really think in all reality it would need a lawyer familiar with the statute and jurisdiction to make the kind of pronouncements about elder abuse some are in this thread.
Perhaps those not legally qualified might want to think twice before making comments in a situation like this.