Of course. But there are still generalities on the subject that can be helpful to her nonetheless.
I could’ve been reading my own life story when I read DoperChic’s OP. My mother was the same way. Depressed…taking anti-depressants…not actively seeking counseling…back problems…none of her life was her fault.
I took care of my mother her whole life. She had her first back surgery when I was eight. I would come home from school and take care of her. I would wake up in the morning and take care of her before heading off to third grade.
As I grew up, my responsibilities increased. I became the errand runner. Even when she was capable of doing things for herself, she sent me to the store for groceries and to pay her bills and to drop her mail at the post office. By the time it occurred to me that it wasn’t normal for a child to take care of a parent, I was already stuck. I was a teenager at the time and felt I couldn’t say “no” to a parent. Believe me, she made it painfully obvious that it wasn’t my place to argue with her about anything
I moved away when I got married, and my mom did pretty well on her own which surprised me. But when I got a divorce and moved in with her to get back on my feet, the duties picked up where they had left off. This time, however, her back problems and her depression gradually got the best of her and she quit working.
From then on, she was in bed with increasing regularity until she finally decided not to ever get out of bed again (except to pee). She didn’t gain an extreme amount of weight like DoperChic’s mom, but she was very very very unhealthy. Her diet consisted of chips, Cokes, and cigarettes. If I had the audacity to suggest that she should eat normal healthy food, she would scream at me that it wasn’t my business.
If I wanted to leave for the weekend with my then-fiance/now-husband, other members of my family would chastise me for not focusing 100% of my attention and efforts on my mother “who needed me”. At the same time, none of those family members had the time to take up some of the responsibilities of taking care of her.
My mother’s constant demands on my time began to wear on my relationship with my fiance, who couldn’t understand why I had to jump up and leave to go get my mother a 12-pack of Cokes to get her through the night.
She over-medicated herself on painkillers, some of which were from her own prescriptions. She became increasingly abusive. I remained her nursemaid until she died three years ago at the age of fifty of an accidental overdose of her Vicodin coupled with a severe case of pancreatitis.
Unfortunately, my relationship with my mother was broken (or at least damaged)at the time of her death, and part of my grieving process has been to come to terms with the fact that our relationship will never heal. If I’d had the guts to move out and force her to seek help from an agency or something, I might’ve avoided what I’m going through today.
So I guess my advice (unsolicited as it is) is: get out while you can. Don’t let other family members who aren’t there helping you out make you feel guilty about wanting to live. Focus on your relationship with your fiance. Of course, having been in the same situation you’re in right now, I know how difficult it is to cut the cord.
hugs the pretty butterfly softly, to avoid hurting her
Seems to me her problems are solved by tricking one of her aunts into coming over for an hour or so, THEN nipping out to the car and never coming back. Or waiting for the health aide to come over, informing her that she’s leaving, then going out to the car and never coming back.
Has her mother been declared incompetant? No. She is not her mother’s legal guardian, the fact that she has been taking care of her mother doesn’t mean she’s a slave, she has no obligation to her mother, other than possibly making sure someone is in the house with her when she leaves.
She CAN leave, and she MUST leave, as soon as possible. Don’t wait until you buy a house, don’t wait for your boyfriend to make up his mind. Leave, even if you have to sleep under a bridge.
DoperChic, if you’re worried about the abandonment issue, call your local Legal Aid Society and ask if they have an ElderLaw specialist you can talk to. No guarantee you’ll be eligible for their help, but it can’t hurt to ask.
Personally, I don’t even know if a 55 year old is an “elder,” but it can’t hurt to get info.
You WILL find your way out of this thing.