Mom’s smoking creating a rift in my family – advice needed please!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is long but please bear with me because I am desperate for help and advice!

My mom is 60 and is a life-long smoker. The obvious health implications for her aside, the unpleasantness of being around her second-hand smoke has always been a big problem for me, my brother and other family members. But in the past couple of years it has progressively become more of a problem to the point that it is causing a huge rift in our family.

Just for background, I am 30 and my brother 33, and we haven’t lived in the house full-time since we left for college. Neither of us are smokers. We grew up in the house with our mom smoking and we always hated it, but we had no choice. I remember being in the car with mom as a child, with the windows rolled up and her smoking, and just dying for air. I would pull my shirt up over my face, or crack the window and stick my nose out for air. This never had any effect on her, as far as I could tell.

Cut to current times. I am very close to my parents and want to visit as often as possible, but I hate being in that smoky environment. The house just reeks. Every surface, every room, every object is impregnated with smoke. I live out of state, so when I visit, I stay at their house for several days or more. My clothes stink, my hair stinks, I get really mucousy (is that a word?) and generally feel less-than-perfect.

Mom lights up a cigarette first thing in the morning, and generally chain-smokes when she is home. She usually has a cigarette going, and the smoke just wafts off it and fills the atmosphere in the house. Sometimes you can see the haze just hanging in the air.

My dad used to be an occasional smoker but quit over 10 years ago. Over the past 5 years or so, he has been on a health kick. Eating healthy, exercising, etc. Well last year my dad had prostate cancer. He was treated and by all accounts is all better. Being a cancer survivor has made him even more unhappy with the smoke. He has let my mom know how he feels, but basically she doesn’t want to quit. It’s an extremely sore subject and bringing it up makes her very unhappy. I know they have been fighting about this issue recently.

So now I come to what prompted this post. Today, I was talking to my mom about how my boyfriend and I are moving back to Virginia in June. We will need to stay with someone for a couple of weeks while we look for a place. I told her this and she says, excitedly, well of course you guys can stay with us! I said, well we could also stay with my aunt, because she lives closer to our jobs and the commute wouldn’t be as bad…

But as the conversation progressed, I finally said, “well mom, I hate to say it, but another reason I wouldn’t want to stay at your house for too long is because the smoke really bothers me. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that when I spend the majority of time not around smoke, then the smoky environment can be overwhelming, and it’s really unpleasant.”

Well this turned her mood into a sour, depressed, woe-is-me, “everyone is against me” mood.

She says, “well your dad hates me too because I smoke.”

I said, “mom! Dad doesn’t hate you, he hates having to breathe in smoke all the time. It’s unpleasant and unhealthy. You don’t notice it because you smoke, but for someone who doesn’t, it’s really bad.”

She says, “yes he does hate me…”

I said, “it has nothing to do with you personally. It’s just that no one wants to be around a bad odor. It would be the same for any bad odor. Plus it’s unhealthy.”

Well there she cut the conversation short and said a quick “I have to go now” like she always does when the subject comes up.

This is causing a huge rift in my family. No one wants to go over my parents’ house because of this (which sucks because they have a really nice big house.) My dad is getting more and more pissed over this issue, and I can tell their relationship is becoming more strained.

It seems that mom just doesn’t grasp the concept that her second-hand smoke is REALLY unpleasant and REALLY bothers most people. I just don’t see any resolve to this until she at least acknowledges that the smoke bothers people and is just plain unhealthy.

Please help. I am at an impasse here. What can I do?

2

Just to give you an idea of how important smoking is to my mom (and her twin sister)…

Any time we all go out to a restaurant, we have to sit in the smoking section. Everyone hates it, but must tolerate it. If there is no smoking section, mom and her twin spend half the time at the bar or outside smoking.

Recently, Virginia considered going smoke-free. I asked her about this, and she just said, “well if that happened then I just wouldn’t go out to eat anymore.”

Also, there is this diner me, my mom and aunt used to go to all the time which we love. The last time we went there, we found out they have gone smoke-free. Mom and aunt said that they will never go there again.

Another anecdote. My dad has a nice car and doesn’t want my mom to smoke in it. Well she can’t even go on more than a 20-minute car ride without smoking, so she just smokes anyway, or they have to take her car (which is the most abominable smelling car you’ve ever smelled.)

All of these things are just so selfish and rude to other people, especially your family. What is it about smoking that makes people so insensitive to others? Do they really not realize how offensive smoke is to non-smokers?

3

I know couples exactly like that who have agreed to a smoking outside only situation. The smoker freezes in the winter, gets rained on from time to time, but hey.

4

I feel for you. After my parents divorced, my dad took up smoking. This happened at a time when he and I didn’t get along very well, so I didn’t see him often. Finally we started to patch things up, and I would occasionally visit him.

It was the same as you describe - horrible odors on every surface. I also have asthma, so being around smoke (not just a smoky place, but when he’d light one up) really made my breathing a problem.

I hated to stay long periods of time with him.

I can’t tell you how to deal with it, because I was far enough away that I didn’t visit often, and then one day he quit. Cold turkey. After getting up to over 2 packs a day. He hasn’t smoked since. I don’t know how the hell he managed to do that. No patch, no nicotine gum.

But you have my sympathies.

5

In defense of smokers (ayyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, I can’t believe I’m saying this on the SDMB), not all of us are insensitive selfish jerks. As a smoker, I would NEVER force anyone to be subjected to my smoke if I can at all avoid it. Most of us are very, very aware of how unhealthy it is and how some people hate it.

That said, gawd your mother is being beyond selfish. I know you love her and all, and I’m not even sure I have a solution to your problem, because she obviously doesn’t care. The only somewhat charitable motive I can think of is that the affects of her chain smoking has been tolerated for so long that I can understand why it would be difficult for her to change now. Lord knows smoking is a coping mechanism for many many people, helping them to deal with other stressors and anxieties in their lives, and maybe that’s why she has to have a cigarette everywhere all the time.

I think the only one who might even have a hope to get her to change her behavior is your father. As an adult, you do have every right to not be subject to behavior that hurts you, but at the same time, if you love your mother make it clear that you still do, you always will, and it’s the smoke, not her.

6

Yes, this is exactly why she smokes. She is stressed with work and other stuff and as she has said in the past, “smoking is one of the few pleasures I have.”

I KNOW it is extremely difficult for her to quit. In fact at her age, no one really expects her to quit. That would be the miracle of all miracles. But there has to be some sort of solution to the toxic cloud that she produces in the house.

I agree. My dad has brought this up over and over, but the only result this has gotten is that now mom thinks that dad “hates her.” She doesn’t realize that it’s the smoke, and her refusal to be considerate of others that we don’t like.

My mom is beyond awesome, and she is an extremely smart woman. It is sad to see that this addction has overcome her so much that she is letting it cause this huge rift in the family.

My biggest fear is that my parents will split over this because the only solution will be for my dad to live somewhere else. Although I can’t say that I would blame him. If she doesn’t at least make some sort of effort, he will have no choice :frowning:

7

I have the same attitude toawrds smoking that I do to The Church. In both cases, since I quit I’ve become hypersensitive to insults directed at them. I think your mother just feels persecuted, and is being a bit of a snot about it. If it is at all possibvle, try to work out something where she smokes in certain rooms in the house. Yes, the smoke will travel, but she can try to minimize it. I think you should be able to work out some sort of compromise as long as she doesn’t think you’re trying to force her to quit.

8

Yes this is exactly how she feels. I understand that. I do have empathy for her, but I wish she could feel empathy for us too.

I try to be very delicate about this to avoid her feeling persecuted. But it’s no use. She continues to feel like she is hated. She said today something along the lines of, “oh I am so depressed…” making it seem like everyone is against her.

Like I said before, we are very very close. I moved away almost a year ago and I know she misses me a lot. She loves it when I come over. I would think that if she knew the smoke bothered me, to the point that I really don’t want to ever spend the night there, that it would make some sort of impact…

And it’s really bad for my dad. The air in that house is probably worse than the smog in LA on a 100-degree day. Imagine breathing that in 24/7. That is her husband - how could she be so insensitive and just completely ignore his extreme discomfort? And not to mention, he just had cancer a year ago, and we are lucky to still have him, healthy. That has given him a new lease on life.

Part of me is just counting the days until my mom is diagnosed with lung cancer and dies a slow agonizing death. This whole thing makes me really really sad.

9

My mother was a life-long smoker. my father was a non-smoker. It was my father who died of lung cancer. Although I love my mother, I always attributed the cancer to second-hand smoke. She resisted ever attempt to get her to quit. Finally she needed open-heart surgery, a double bypass and two valves replaced. The doctor said she’d need to stop smoking. She had her last cigarette in the car on the way to the hospital to have the surgery, and quit cold-turkey. No patch, gum, hypnosis, etc. She could’ve stopped any time if she thought the reason was good enough. She was just selfish enough not to care until it affected her.

You can let her read this if you think it’ll help.

StG

10

Wow. I have heard similar tales and it’s so sad.

Although I honestly think that even if she did get sick, she would not quit smoking. I think that if she got lung cancer, she would probably continue to smoke until her dying breath.
Another anecdote: my aunt (my mom’s twin) became ill about 10 years ago. She had a cyst/growth in her saliva glands under one of her ears (not cancerous). They had to remove it and it left like a huge indentation. The wound would not heal. It took months and months. It was a real problem.

It was obvious to me that the smoking was directly contributing to the wound not healing. She never stopped smoking, not for one second.

This whole ordeal was horrible for my aunt, but my sympathy for her was limited because I felt that her continued chain smoking (of Marlboro Reds, no less) was the reason for the wound not healing.

Because of this, she has an indentation under her ear, and part of her ear is missing. She is very very self-conscious of this. This scar/indentation would never be there (or be as bad) if she had refrained from smoking during her recovery.

11

My mom quit in her 70’s, after a health crisis similar to StGermain’s mom’s.

I could be your mom. I don’t have any stressors though – my problem is boredom.

I don’t have a solution. It’s impossible to guilt someone into quitting. But if she even hints that she’d like to quit, be ready with info about all the various methods – Zyban, hypnosis, lozenges, and Allen Carr’s book.

Until then, now that the air is cleared :slight_smile: about how you feel, can you ask her to open windows when you visit? Or invest in an air cleaner or smokeless ashtrays? Or spend some of your visiting time outdoors?

I’m back to smoking again. My boys hate it, so when they visit, I don’t smoke in the house or the car. It’s easy for me though, because I’ve quit so many times. :slight_smile: Going smokeless for several hours is no problem.

Good luck, and I hope things work out.

12

Y’know what? It’s at least half her house. She’s had this habit most of her life. Who are you to tell her what to do in her own house? Her husband, yeah, he and she would ideally work out some compromise wherein she smokes in certain areas and does not smoke in others. There are smoke-eater gadgets that really can take a good deal of the allegedly foul odor away. I know several couples in which one smokes and the other does not. They manage. The smoker indulges outside or in his/her own room.

I don’t know how you know that her sister’s difficulty with wound healing was due to smoking. Did a doctor tell you that? I’m not one, so I don’t know for sure, but I’ve heard of other people having trouble with wound healing and it had nothing at all to do with smoking or not. There really could be other reasons.

My mom smoked up to 3 packs a day. She died too young (age 70) not because of smoking – she had excellent blood pressure and cholesterol readings, and absolutely no respiratory problems at all – but because of a congenital heart valve problem that she had since infancy. I really, really don’t recall there being this terrible stench about her, or her home, or car.

IMHO some folks are extra-sensitive. That’s meant as a simple statement, not a criticism.

13

Little of what you say she does strikes me as overly selfish. The point that strikes me is that her and her husband can’t work out their issue about her smoking. It sounds like they have a lot more serious problems than smoking if they can’t even talk about it.

14

You’re right, it is her house. I never told her what to do in her own house. I simply told her that the reason I will be staying with my aunt (another aunt, not her twin) is because of the smoke. That is when she got all sad and depressed and having the everyone-is-against-me attitude.

The point is, if she wants me to come over and spend time there, she should try not to produce a toxic death cloud while I am there. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear her pouting that everyone hates her. It’s the smoke, not her.

I would expect the same if it were me. Let’s say I had cats and my house reeked heavily of cat urine. I would not expect people to want to spend time in my house. And I would not be offended if people told me they did not want to come to my house.

In her case, it’s like she doesn’t grasp the concept that people don’t like to inhale smoke. It reeks. It’s as bad as cat pee, except that cat pee odor doesn’t cause cancer.

15

You are absolutely right. They have been married over 30 years and they are just not communicating effectively about this (and about other stuff too). I think maybe they should see a marriage counselor. I really don’t think they will be able to get past these issues alone.

16

I don’t have a lot of advice to offer, but just wanted to chip in and say ‘good on you’ for being honest with your mum and telling her the real reason you don’t want to stay there.

I do wonder, however, if your mum is depressed? It would seem clear to everyone else that the only issue is her smoking, yet she appears to see it as an ‘everyone hates me’ thing. Obviously you know your mum best and I’m just inferring from a few sentences I’ve read.

17

Allow me. I’m a doctor, and cigarette smoking is the primary cause of poor wound healing. Not the only cause, but more poor healing outcomes are felt to be due to smoking than all other causes.

Many surgeons won’t even do certain procedures on people who smoke because the risk of a poor outcome on them is raised so much by continued smoking that it outweighs the potential benefit of the surgery.
Caution: PDF follows
http://www.ewma.org/pdf/spring03/S02-SmokingAndWoundHealing.pdf

And second-hand smoke has been implicated in slowing wound healing in children whose parents smoke.

18

Well, someone already mentioned it, but do you think she might be amenable to making part of the house non-smoking? I mean, you said it’s a nice big house. Maybe your dad could keep a study or work-room (or whatever suits his personality) that would be his and smoking would be off-limits there? Also, maybe a guest room where she doesn’t smoke.

As others have said, some air cleaners and smokeless ashtrays might help, too. But I know that after years and years, it permeates everything. The upholstery, the drapes, just everything.

You have my sympathies!

19

Thank you Qadgop, I have read and heard this many times, but I didn’t feel like Googling it.

20

Yes I am sure she is depressed. That’s a whole other story, but the smoking issue and the conflict it causes definitely contributes.

Basically it’s one more thing (and a big thing) that is a rift between my mom and dad that is fundamentally a breakdown of communication between them.