One last word to nyctea. Your mom doesn’t smoke because she’s stressed, or depressed, or lonely, or bored, or angry or manipulative, or any of those things. She smokes because she’s both physically and psychologically addicted to nicotine. And all her behavior when being confronted with the fact of her addiction is designed to protect the addiction. It will be subconscious on her part, usually, if she is like most nicotine addicts.
And nicotine is one nasty addiction. I gave up alcohol and morphine long before I managed to get clean from nicotine.
But she’s gotta want to. Only then can she succeed.
Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure Stu and Patty Bouvier?
I wish I had something positive to say, but having faced similar issues with my parents and then losing both of them to smoking, all I have to offer is my most sincere sympathy for you and your family.
Solely with regards to your OP, don’t stay with your parents. You’ll be miserable the whole time, and you’ll make your mother miserable as well. You’d be better off staying in a motel, or seeing if you can sublet an apartment for a month.
My grandmother-in-law is a chain smoker, and her husband quit last year because his lungs are starting to go. You’ll probably never get your mother to quit. But don’t force yourself to be in a situation where it’s either you or her. She’s an addict, and she’ll pick herself every time.
We’ve had our differences, nyctea, but good luck to you. My dad’s having issues with HIS parents, my grandparents, and it looks like we’re going to have to get my grandmother to quit the coffin nails. (She’s taken to smoking in bed, and given that lately she’s been pretty confused and out of it, my mother’s afraid she’ll end up setting the house and herself on fire.)
The mother of one of my long-time childhood friends was a heavy smoker much like you describe your mother. She got emphysema and didn’t quit smoking. Had a lung removed and didn’t quit smoking. Had 3/4 of the other lung removed and didn’t quit smoking. She died in the car on the way to the hospital, screaming at her poor husband to give her a fcking cigarette!!!* Some people are just that addicted.
I got pneumonia over Christmas while visiting my family in Denmark. It started because I spent the first day and evening in a house literally filled with smoke. My eyes burned so bad they wouldn’t stop running. My throat burned and I could barely swallow. I spent the last 3 days of my trip in bed with a fever and unable to hold down anything but clear broth. I kept telling my husband that I had gotten sick from the damage the cigarette smoke caused to the lining of my lungs, allowing bacteria to get in there and make me sick. He thought I was just being melodramatic – until he got sick on the day we travelled home and the doctor told him it was, in fact, pneumonia, not melodrama.
His family was thoughtful enough to air out the house and smoke only outside the last few days of our trip, but my husband has already agreed that if there’s going to be smoking in the house next time we go there, we’ll have to stay somewhere else, no offense intended.
I wish you the very best of luck. You’re in a very difficult situation and there may be nothing you can do about it.
In my experience, the psychological addiction is much harder to overcome than the physical. I’ve quit twice, once for ten years and once for three, both times “cold turkey” – via hypnosis and again using Allen Carr’s book (which is a form of hypnosis, IMHO). No withdrawal symptoms, physical or psychological.
I was in the hospital for 5 days last year and not smoking caused no distress. Coulda been the morphine, but maybe not. I didn’t start again until a couple weeks after I was home (and bored).
Isn’t that why people started taking Zyban (Wellbutrin) to help them quit – because it does something to stop the psychological triggers?
I think the physical part of the addiction is over-rated, and that this belief scares some smokers into thinking that quitting will be harder than it really is. If we can conquer the psychological part of the addiction, we’re 99% there.
Just MHO. I don’t think I can quit again, so I don’t try. Maybe I need to break another hip. :rolleyes: at myself.
You have my sincere sympathies with a no-win situation, nyctea. My husband’s extended family are all smokers - we see them once a year on Christmas Eve, when everyone gathers at his aunt’s house. They all chain-smoke all evening, and it is hell for us non-smokers. (“allegedly foul odor,” MLS? Do you seriously think there is any debate over how unpleasant smoking is for non-smokers?) My husband and I both feel crappy every Christmas Day because of our smoke hangovers from the night before. We’re in somewhat the same position as you; do we stop going to the family gathering because of the smoke, or do we go and get our yearly dose of Class A Carcinogens*?
A point regarding Zyban/Wellbutrin - it is an anti-depressant as well as a stop smoking aid. It might be a good thing for your mom in both ways.
Shayna, breathing smoke paralyzes the cilia in your lungs for 24 hours. I think that could be a major factor in why you got so sick after being in a heavily smoky environment. Perhaps you had just been exposed to a pathogen, and instead of being able to clean it out like your lungs would naturally do, they were paralyzed just when you needed them most.
Of course Qadgop said first what I was going to say after reading the OP.
It would be like coming here and wondering aloud why your alcoholic father just won’t stop drinking, or at least only drink only special occasions. And before you say you’re not asking her to quit, only smoke outside or in a certain room, most smokers have elaborate rituals involved with smoking. She may really not be able to see being able to sit at the table in the morning with her paper, coffee, and smokes, or whatever. The rituals are part of the addiction.
She’s in denial. Also part of the addiction.
In my state, there’s a public health program for loved ones of smokers that want to help them to quit. If your state has such a program, I’m sure they could give you some advice.
Dang it, I forgot my advice. One thing I know, that others have said already, is that you can’t change your mom, and she won’t stop smoking until she wants to. All you can do is change your own actions, and it sounds like you’ve got a good handle on that already. My husband and I aren’t planning to ask our aunt to stop smoking in her own home. We might stop visiting her in that home some day, and that’s fair ball. It really sucks when you have to choose between your family and your health, but nobody ever said life was fair.
I thought about the analogy of smoking vs. drinking. If a loved one develops a drinking problem, we’re concerned for their health, and also because their addiction makes them act in ways they wouldn’t normally. It’s a major strain on the family…
Smoking is also an addiction like alcoholism, and of course we worry for their health too. It also causes them to act in ways that strain the family
Here’s the difference though. When you go to visit your alcoholic family member, the alcohol does float through the air and enter your body. You are not forced to partake in the alcohol consumption. You don’t get sick or nauseous from their drinking. There are no negative health effects for you when you visit an alcoholic (well, unless you get in a car with them driving…) You don’t go home smelling of foul putrid smoke. The alcohol doesn’t impregnante your clothes and other personal items.
However, when you visit the smoker, you are forced to breathe in the smoke. It’s on a whole other level…
I know it must be hell to quit smoking or to have to change your routine. I just wish my mom could understand the concept that smoke smells BAD, is unhealthy and people don’t like it. We’re not against HER. We don’t hate HER. It’s her “everyone hates me!” attitude that is the biggest problem…
I’m the smoking mother in this home, and Mr. Adoptamom doesn’t smoke. This has caused our fair share of problems over the years, including irritating him physically whenever he gets sick. Just a whiff of smoke when he’s not feeling well and instantly it’s like all of the oxygen gets sucked out of the room and he can’t breath. Although I’ve tried to be a considerate smoker around my family, the fact is that it still bothers them and I still do it.
A few weeks ago, I was out of state for the birth of my first grandchild. Mr. Adoptamom put alot of thought into my smoking habits and designed and installed a “system” of sorts around my computer area, which has helped tremendously since that’s where I spend alot of my time. It’s basically a beautiful, custom box with a bathroom vent fan built on top of my computer desk. The fan is vented into the wall and out through the attic. I just took some pictures - here’s the link.
I can’t begin to describe how much this simple contraption has helped our family! They’ve all noticed a tremendous difference in the amount of smoke which escapes into our home. My guilt is significantly less (and yes, whether your mom expresses it to you or not, she does feel guilt about her smoking and the effects this nasty habit has on her family), our home smells 100% better, and it’s really improved the quality of the air in the rest of our home.
This is NOT the best solution - obviously it would be best if your mom (and me!) quit smking all together. It is a very nice, loving, considerate compromise though and it seems to be working well for our family. Perhaps something similar would work well for yours?
If she does have clinical depression, that will need to be taken care of before she can quit smoking. As has been mentioned, smoking is both addictive AND calming to the person who smokes. She has said that’s one of her only pleasures left in life (sounds like something a depressed person would say) and her attitude of everyone is against me all sounds like that could well be the case.
I do wish you luck in helping her with this. A comprimise we have is that when we smoke in the living room, we open the patio doors and run a fan that blows out the door. Or if I smoke in my bedroom, I close the door and open a window. Little things like that can and do make a difference for the non-smokers.
I think you handled it well. May I offer a suggestion for the next time the topic comes up?
Mom, how would you like it if every time you came around me, I farted incessantly? And it stank horribly. And the odor permeated my clothing, my furniture, my hair and burned the noses of everyone who smelled it. That’s what it is like being around you. For the sake of your family’s health and your own, please stop smoking. Let me know when you do and I’ll buy you the nicotine gum or the patches or whatever it takes to help. Until you do, bye.
Catch-22. Her depressive symptoms may be the result of high levels of nicotine for years. To discover whether she truly has a primary depression, it would be necessary to detox from the nicotine and see if her depressive symptoms persisted. (Same principle applies to heavy use of alcohol and other mood-altering drugs)
Pragmatic solution (for nicotine addicts): Treat for depression/nicotine withdrawal with bupropion, an antidepressant which is also used for nicotine detox.
But, in the big picture, reading your posts nyctea scandiaca it sounds like if your wish could be granted, it would be a two-stepper: One, that she suddenly see things the way you do, and Two, that she’d quit smoking. I just don’t see either happening until she wants to change and no matter of logic or emotional pleas will work. Accept that this is the deal and act accordingly. You can hope that she will alter her smoking habits/location to accomodate others, but you’ll only be pounding your head against the wall if you count on it.
QtM, do you have a cite for this? (This is a totally non-snarky request. I often find that smoking makes me feel more depressed, and am interested in reading up on this.) Tx.
My father used to be a smoker like that. On long trips in the car as a kid, he would smoke like a chimney. In the winter is was the worst for me and my mom because it was too cold to roll the windows down. Everytime we went to a restaurant, we HAD to sit in the smoking section. If a restaurant was non-smoking only we wouldn’t go. If a trip required a non-smoking flight (you could smoke on some planes back then) we wouldn’t go. His smoking meant the rest of the family missed out on the trip.
When I was a teenager, my dad had to worked across the country for a full year. We got used to a non-smoking household. When he came back, things were really different. We suddenly stopped letting HIS smoking run the place. He was afterall, the minority.
When the rest of the family visited and we wanted to go out to a non-smoking restaurant, if he said “I don’t want to go there if there’s no smoking!” Then my mom would say, “Okay, there’s a TV dinner in the freezer. We’ll try not to be too late.”
He hated it at first and whined like a spoilt kid. But the choice was his. We were going out to a great non-smoking restaurant. He was welcome to join us, of course. It was his choice. If smoking was more important than socializing with the rest of the family then he could stay home. If he wanted to spend time with us, then he had to be prepared to go out to the parking lot for a cigarette.
If we wanted to take the (smoke-free) train in to the city, then he could either butt out or stay home.
The rest of the family stopped being so accommodating. It was sort of a tough love approach. But eventually he got used to smoking outside.
I didn’t start again until a couple weeks after I was home (and bored).