My Wife Is VERY Precious To Me.......

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

… but I don’t know how to save her from herself.

She has pulmonary hypertension and they both (son and daughter in law) are chain smokers to the point of even making “Bert” (my little Mainie) start to cough.

And they live with us in a basment apartment.

She (Dondra) absolutely loves her chain-smoking son and daughter in law, because “they do so much for me”.

So basically, I, a retired respiratory therapist with Alzheimer’s, am relegated to nothing.

She’ll never listen to me, she will continue to breathe in their motherfucking second hand smoke, and when it comes to the end, I will never be able to let her know what she’s dying of, because she will not fucking believe me.

So please. What am I supposed to do?

Thanks

Q

2

Can’t they smoke outside? Maybe you could ask your wife’s doctor to talk to them, if they won’t listen to you.

3

Get a large fire extinguisher.
Use it every time they light up.
In less than a week, they should have a clue.

4

I assume you’ve ruled out firearms, so get some window fans. Most of the smoke can be blown outside. Unless you reconsider firearms, there isn’t much else you can do. You already realize you are nothing next to your wife’s children. We all live with that bro :slight_smile:

5

Stop trying to convince her, and convince them instead. I assume she’s on oxygen? If they’re ignoring the huge stickers all over her concentrator/canisters, then maybe they need a more direct explanation. Photos, descriptions, whatever, of exactly what they’re doing to their mom. Appeal to their better nature… “I know nicotine is a powerful desire, and your mom would never ever dream of putting you through the difficulty of smoking outside/cutting back/quitting, but I assure you that if you aren’t more considerate about your smoking, her death is going to be a lot more difficult and permanent than your withdrawal.”

The “you selfish dumbasses” can be implied in that sentence.

There are commercials on tv right now about the dangers of second hand smoke on pets; they’re geared toward teenagers, but ( speaking as a former smoker ) that’s about the mentality you’re working with. Pull up a couple of those commercials, make them watch them, and just point to Bert.

You should know by now that you’re never going to “win” in a choice between you and her kids, or even more importantly a choice between her health and her kids. It’s hardwired not only in mothers, but also in folks who have spent their whole lives being the “caretaker” ( or as Sampiro would say, the Keeper ). Your only choice is to work around her, quietly.

6

What discussions have you had with your son and daughter in law? It’s hard to tell from your post whether you have actually raised this issue directly with them.

7

I’m a smoker. My mother has some respiratory issues secondary to Scleroderma. Although she has, on occasion, insisted that it’s okay, I would sooner gnaw my own foot off than smoke in her house, in my house while she’s sitting there, or anywhere upwind of her. In fact, I will wash my hands and de-smokify as much as possible because the lingering smoke on my hands and clothes bothers her.

WTF is wrong with her adult children they can’t be more respectful or considerate of their own mother? I think I’d lead with that angle.

8

Aren’t you living with them, as in, it’s their house?

That’s what I thought, hope I’m wrong, 'cause if that’s the case, I don’t see there is anything you can do. Y’know, other than make yourself crazy over something you have no hope of changing.

Or did you all make a sharing arrangement without addressing the smoking issue, perhaps? If so, I think it’s probably too late to turn that train around, too, sad to say.

If she’s really not well, being with her children may please her, more than their smoking irritates her. You may have to accept that it’s up to her, not you.

All three of those suck, I agree.

9

They are living with us, elbows.

We moved that “Ionizer” thing closer to where they are, so let’s see if that works.

They’re sweet kids and really do help us out a lot, but D has always had breathing/allergy problems, and her sense of smell isn’t as acute as mine or yours may be, so I have always had to end my conversations with, “…and you’re just gonna have to take my word for this!” and then walk away like the wimp I am.

Even our kitty, Bert gets it, because just like Mom and Dad, they too love animals and never miss a chance to pet him and his long fur. With their nicotine-smelling hands. I’ve taken to giving him waterless shampoos in their presence, so maybe they are getting the hint.

I apologize to all the Dopers who smoke, but D is my wife, I love her, she is my primary
caregiver, and, as some of y’all may know has had two life-threatening times when she had to be admitted to the hospital for quite a long stay each time.

There’s a lot of tension right now, but I believe the young folks may be “getting the message”, because the other day they found an apartment complex not even a mile away, they’re thinking of moving into.

Now. For folks who may be thinking, “Why’s he bringing his ‘soap opera’ life here?”. (Hopefully there aren’t that many of you anymore!;))

The answer, as I’ve written many times before, is this: “Cause this is where my friends are.”

So thank you all, and I hope to have some good news soon that will help my sweet wife while at the same time keeping our little family intact. :slight_smile:

Q

10

Does the smoke actually come upstairs from their apartment? Or is it just the smell on them and the cat? I can definitely see a good argument that they should take the smoking outside if the smoke is drifting into the rest of the house, but that won’t stop their hands from smelling like nicotine.

Aside from laying down the law and kicking them out unless they take it outside, what other option is there?