Mom’s smoking creating a rift in my family – advice needed please!

[Cat_Whisperer]

That’s a great story, SausageChowder. Very assertive - we’re not telling you how to live your life, but this is how we’re living ours. Do you think you and your family might be able to apply some of that to your mom, nyctea?

[Chanteuse]

@Clothahump

I think you handled it well. May I offer a suggestion for the next time the topic comes up?

Mom, how would you like it if every time you came around me, I farted incessantly? And it stank horribly. And the odor permeated my clothing, my furniture, my hair and burned the noses of everyone who smelled it. That’s what it is like being around you.

Funny you should say that. I just came in here to say that I have a sister (who can work up one hell of a snarky sarcasm when irritated) that wishes she could fart on demand whenever someone lights up around her. For example, before our local Pizza Hut became smoke free, we were enjoying a pizza in an empty (except for us, of course) restaurant. It was basically “pick your own seating” and this couple came in and chose to sit right behind us and light up. It was like, “WTF?? All the empty booths and tables, and we’re sitting on the far side of the room, and you couldn’t find another place to sit? You HAD to come up in our FACES to light that thing?” But we are fairly non-confrontational women, and simply groused about it to one another. And that was the first time I ever heard her say how much she’d love to be able to fart at will and just FOG people like that. I almost choked on my pizza laughing so hard!

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

@niblet_head

QtM, do you have a cite for this? (This is a totally non-snarky request. I often find that smoking makes me feel more depressed, and am interested in reading up on this.) Tx.

Dr. Naomi Breslau, of Henry Ford Sciences Center in Detroit, and associateArchives of General Psychiatry. 1998;55:161-166.

It appears not only that a history of major depression increases the risk of progression of smoking, but also that smoking is a risk factor for development of major depression. These findings provide reasons to suspect that daily smoking and major depression share a number of etiological factors. A history of major depression was associated with a 3-fold increase in the risk for smoking; a history of major depression did not decrease smokers’ rate of quitting; and a history of daily smoking increased significantly the risk for major depression. (Other causal mechanisms may be contributing factors.) Smoking might be a “…self-medication for depressed mood…” and that “neuro-pharmacologic effects of nicotine…” could be associated with depression.

As usual, with the brain, cause and correlation and effect are not clear-cut. Acutely, nicotine reduces symptoms of some depressions. Chronically it may make the condition worse. Or at least chronic use is correlated with more frequent, and possibly worse, depressions.

[Large_Marge]

@nyctea scandiaca

<snip> I know it must be hell to quit smoking or to have to change your routine. I just wish my mom could understand the concept that smoke smells BAD, is unhealthy and people don’t like it. We’re not against HER. We don’t hate HER. It’s her “everyone hates me!” attitude that is the biggest problem…

This is just her defense mechanism. If she admitted that the smell of smoke was disgusting and offensive to others, she would then have to change her habits or else be labeled selfish and self-centered. It would be like admitting outloud that she’d rather smoke than see her kids. She can’t do that until she’s ready to quit, and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. It’s much easier to just say, “Everyone hates me” than it is to deal with the real problem.

Is it possible that she’s holding onto this so tightly as just a passive-aggressive way of asserting her authority and control in her marriage/relationships?