Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn’t loaded anymore, but the other one is, so that’s one of you dead for sure…or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn’t be worth your while risking it because I’m a very good shot. I practice every day…well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week…I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week at least…at least four or five, only some weekends…like last weekend, there really wasn’t the time, so that moved the average down a bit…but I should say it’s definitely a solid four days’ practice a week…at least.
It’s…
Are there any women here?
There’s not a zodiacal sign called Nesbitt.
I want you all to call me Loretta.
There’s Kevin Bruce the digger duffer from down-under, who’s ranked fourteenth in the world’s silly positions league…
Hang on a tic. This redistribution of wealth is trickier than I’d thought.
Well that’s all very well, sir, but this is an off-licence.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
Tonight is the Meaning of Life.
You needn’t eat the leg, Thompson. There’s still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm.
We’ll have none of your imperialist tidbits.
Here on top of Edinburgh Castle, in conditions of extreme secrecy, men are being trained for the British Army’s first Kamikaze Regiment, the Queen’s Own McKamikaze Highlanders. So successful has been the training of the Kamikaze Regiment that the numbers have dwindled from 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks. What makes these young Scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?
We are the knights who say “Ni!”
Let me tell you something, my lad. When you’re walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come crying to me.
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Penguins, yes, penguins. What relevance do penguins have to the furtherance of medical science? Well, strangely enough quite a lot, a major breakthrough, maybe. It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus accidentally growing on a sterile plate that Sir Alexander Fleming gave the world penicillin. James Watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling and conceived the potentiality of steam power. Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn’t been clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn’t tried? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn’t by pure chance spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong. Nevertheless scientists believe that these penguins, these comic flightless web-footed little bastards may finally unwittingly help man to fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind.
There’s a penguin on the telly!
Yes, well done, Mrs Nesbitt of York, spotted the loony in 1.8 seconds.
It’s just a model.