That’s exactly what I was going to suggest. Take her focus away from the one clique, get her meeting other people, and at the same time give her something fun to pursue. And like you suggested, it doesn’t have to be school-related extracurricular activities – there are all kinds of outside things she could do. Look into whether there’s a church youth group she could participate in, or join the local YMCA.
My favorite motto: The best “revenge” is a life well-lived.
Here is my big disclaimer:
I haven’t actually read these books…
but I hear they are insightful for parents of girls to read:
Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman
Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write about Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy by Rachel Simmons
Perhaps they might be helpful in your situation.
I think you flat out underestimate the sheer ruthlessness and potential evilness of 3rd grade girls.
Because along with the fact that it would be teaching your daughter lessons that you may not want to teach her (about inclusiveness, niceness to all, manipulating people, bullying, etc.) it just isn’t going to work. It’s a lovely theory, but in practice, especially with a school population that doesn’t change very much year to year, it’ll just fail. And your daughter will be worse off than she was before, as L will have the “and she’s mean” ammunition along with everything else that she’s already using to ostracize your daughter.
Unlike most people here, I don’t think that educating your daughter in the ways of manipulation would necessarily be a Very Bad Thing for her. It’s a useful skill, and one that doesn’t preclude being an honest, decent person as well.
However, like amarinth, I fear the chance of success would be slim to none. Children, however bright and empathic, just don’t have the feel for personalities and situations necessary to twist people’s thinking in the manner you suggest. When she gets to 7th or 8th grade, maybe it’ll be a different story.
A similar thing happened to me when I was that age. You should definitely talk with the teacher and make it clear that this bullying is hurting your daughter.
As an aside, my son’s school (for the learning disabled) has a “no teasing” policy. It’s an important part of the school rules which all the students are aware of, and there are consequences if anyone does any teasing. I think all schools should have this.
Thanks, you’ve all made some very good contributions here. I’m going to try and address some of the things you’ve said/asked/implied:
[ul]
[li]Talk to the teacher: I’ve begun this process via email and asked her to assign a mentor. Purpose is to give her an ally that can help her with learning the day-to-day routinte. It’s not entirely clear that this has been done. I don’t know her teacher that well, but have a vaguely bad feeling there. Could be nothing. Anyway, not all teachers are skilled at sorting out interpersonal problems between classmates, IME. Some just don’t see it as part of their job, and even if they do they might not have the time to a) notice and b) resolve all possible conflicts. Also I’m not wild about their classroom setting, which is a large class mixed with second and third graders. They split out for parts of the day and work together for parts of the day. The idea is that the older kids help the younger kids. Nice theory, in practice, with fifty kids, I imagine chaos.[/li][li] Teaching her this is teaching her to be a bully: there is that possibility, I guess, but I really don’t think she has it in her nature. The crushing L part was probably more evil fantasy then a real possiblity. In reality I’d envision more of her splitting off some of the girls from the bad seed. In a perfect TV sitcom world the bad seed would see the error of her ways and come back with her tail between her legs. Not terribly likely. More realistic is that she might be able to convince a couple of girls that L is mean and not worth their time, and then at least you have a splinter resistance group. This can be done without being cruel about it, although it does open that possibility.[/li][li]Exaggeration: This is a distrinct possibility. She does tend to blow things a bit out of proportions and get her feelings hurt easily. I try to point this out to her when it happens, but the net of it is that how she perceives these things is real to her and is making her miserable. To that end we have some work to do in her coping behaviours. That’s a separate, slow and ongoing task. The good news is this characteristic also makes her very empathetic to others situations, and that is mostly good. Last night I talked with her about why these girls may be behaving the way they do. She actually gets this, which is very good for her age.[/li][li]Gifted: I hadn’t really been thinking about it from this perspective, so I’m glad you related your own experience, Ca3799. I had no idea it could be so competitive and aggressive, and I think this is part of what is surprised Ms. A as well. In Ohio this was very supportive and they were very friendly to one another, by all reports. So this is where she expects to find her new circle of friends and it’s jarring when they instead belittle her. Last night we talked about how sometimes smart girls do some stuff that shows that they are not so nice and that indicates that they are not always so smart about how to deal with others. Apparently there are lots of snide little digs thrown across when the gifted teacher is not paying attention. I ask her everyday about her day and what the best and worst parts were. She said she was having a good day until M made fun of her, and then X kicked in with something mean as well. She said she thought M was her friend and had never said anything like that before. [/li][li]New activities: she’s always been in soccer. She is not the most gifted soccer player, but she is extremely coachable and uses her brain to help make her competitive. The main problem with this is that the soccer team she is on is still in her old area and it is a bit of haul to get over there. The good news is that last night she was invited to fill an open spot on one of the “competitive” teams. The bad news is I’m not sure we want to get into more practices every week. Also I don’t know what the financial commitment is and money is a bit tight right now. We’re going to check it out but have told her we may not be able to do that. But she has always wanted to be on a club team and at least it lets her know she can make it if she tries very hard. As for church, we’re not churchgoers, so that one’s not much of an option without a huge shift in family lifestyle. We are looking to get out to the temple near us sometime, though. The YMCA experiment this summer was a disaster. I’m not sure it’s good to get into here. Let’s just say there was some racism, poor supervision, unsanitary conditions and physical violence. The YMCA near where we are now seems to be better, but we’ll take that slow since both kids are now Y-averse.[/li][li]Why kids hurt others?: Good point there, Featherlou. Since she’s very adept at grasping interpersonal relations, I think she’ll be able to understand this intellectually. It won’t stop her feelings from being hurt, but at least she’ll understand some of the motivation, which will help in the long run.[/li][li]Hang out with people who are mean…: I’m not sure you understand how school works. These are not grown ups. I think that there are at best a handful of bad ones and a few sheep and plenty who are following the “lie low” advice given here. I don’t think that every single kid in the class is mean or irredeemable. At least I certainly hope not. It’s been a long time since I was 8 years old and I have never been a girl, so maybe I am missing something and that’s part of why I solicited advice here. And she’s going to have to spend time with them whether she likes it or not, unless we change schools or they transfer. It’s pretty much required that she attend school. I agree that bullying is the wrong way to go. [/li][li]Book recos: Thanks, BNB, I’ll check those out. Any others?[/li][/ul]
No, Shib, I know exactly how school works. My mom’s been teaching elementary school for 30+ years, so I’ve been watching this shit go down for pretty much all my life. Besides, twenty years ago, I pretty much was your daughter. Changed schools a few months into third grade, gifted and talented program, class ruled by a clique of petty bitches who belittled me whenever possible for no readily apparent reason and encouraged others to do the same, and a load of toadies all too willing to play along to avoid becoming targets themselves.
Yes, I had to spend time with these people who treated me like crap, just like I now have to spend time with coworkers I don’t like. But you know what? I didn’t have to like the assholes then, and I don’t have to like them now. I don’t have to associate with them beyond what school or work requires. And I most certainly don’t have to demean myself trying to make them like me. It is demeaning, you know, throwing yourself at people who have made it quite clear they don’t want you. It tells you two things: you are so inherently unlikeable as you are that no one will ever like you unless you go through this song and dance, and that you can bludgeon people into liking you. I don’t think those are the lessons you want your daughter to learn. The best advice my mother ever gave me was to ask me what, exactly, I thought the friendship of someone who had to be bribed and bludgeoned into liking me was worth. The answer? Not much. That’s when the petty horseshit starting just rolling off my back.
Besides, what you’re proposing typically just doesn’t work with girls this age. Like you said, they’re not adults. They’re not going to stand up to L because your daughter has convinced them that she’s a bully, because that’s just painting a target on their own chests. Especially not the ones who are just going along with the crowd. The weaker and more easily led someone is, the more they’re going to resist standing out. It’s just the way that dynamic works. Anyone who sides with the target becomes a target. Those who report the target trying to stir dissention in the ranks, however, earn an exemption from target status, because the ringleader focuses even more on the original target.