How exactly do you defend yourself from someone who always takes the moral high ground with everything?! Here’s a purely hypothetical example:
Person 1: We should get a new TV.
Person 2: We could get a new TV, but don’t you think it would be more responsible if we put that money towards the mortgage, or set up a college fund?
I have a relationship with a person who does this ALL THE TIME! And yes, I think it would be more responsible to put the money towards the mortgage, but I also think it would be fun to own a better TV! If this was debate team and there were rules to follow, I’d know what to do, but it’s an actual relationship with someone who is capable of making me feel irresponsible if I choose a TV over the mortgage, and reminding me of that choice for years to come. I’m basically arguing to be irresponsible!
You do need to plan for the future, etc., but you still have to live today. There’s a time to scrimp and save and be responsible, and there’s a time to find a great sale on tvs because your old tv is 15 years old and kind of crappy.
It also depends on the situation - do you just WANT a new tv, or is there a fairly good reason to get one? Does the other person ever lighten up and just spend money on fun things?
Well here’s a recent example. I said we should take our son to see someone about certain behavior problems. She said, “So you you’re saying you think something’s wrong with him?!” And I said no, but it couldn’t hurt to have him looked at. And she said, “Well if you think he’s broken, you can take him to see someone, but I don’t think he is.” So now my whole argument is based on thinking our son is broken?! And if I take him to see someone then in her eyes, I’m acknowledging that he’s broken? Which he’s not, of course.
The person you are speaking with is excellent at creating straw men for them to rally against astride their self-righteous white horse.
In my humble opinion, it’s a crappy way to argue. Also, it’s darn manipulative.
This person is twisting the argument to let them ‘win’, to make you the ‘bad guy’ and to make them the ‘good guy’ because they’re not arguing against what YOU are saying, but the big ass straw target they’ve made up.
“I don’t think he is broken. I did not say he was broken. You were the person who brought that into this discussion. It believe it would be healthy to look into this issue for our son and that is why I would like to do this.”
Sounds like the scenario described above was a joint decision. He might be doing that to emphasize the reason why he feels uncomfortable buying a TV, as in “It’s not that I don’t want a TV, but . . .” A sound reason, though I agree he could have phrased it better.
But I can understand your frustrations. I have a guy friend who expressed his concerns in the same infantilizing way. He would guzzle energy drinks all day and then claim that my sugar free apple juice was not healthy. And then he would lecture me about how the Disney company was exploitative while he was buying all their DVDs.
If it is a joint decision and he’s a chronic worrier (about everything, not just about what you do) then just be patient with him. But if it’s not a joint decision, tell him that it’s your decision and not his and you can worry about your own money.
Yes! That’s exactly what’s going on here. These are just a few examples, but it’s always like this. And it really gets to me, and I never know quite how to respond so I usually just give up. Which I’m sure just gives her an incentive to keep doing it.
“I think it would be irresponsible NOT to buy an HDTV.”
“He’s not broken…he just has a lousy mother.”
Your problem is trying to debate your wife (or whatever she is) as if you were on the debate squad. Women don’t use reason and logic except for convincing themselves that they do deserve that piece of cake or that he really will call back.
Your child isn’t broken, you child may need assistance, your TV is crappy and you can spend preciesly SQUAT of your hard earned money when you’re dead.
Another one that works for me, when the other person is debating off the deep end is “Wow.” Then pause. You know, the ‘I can’t believe you said anything so silly “wow”’, then let them explain.
One thing you might do is read Elgin’s Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. This situation is almost word-for-word like one from her book. Your partner is verbally attacking you by imputing motives to you that don’t exist, and you need to learn how to defend yourself.
NOTE: I DO NOT RECOMMEND THE FOLLOWING TECHNIQUE. I would, myself, because I’m not a nice person, be inclined to go on the offensive myself by saying very calmly and sorrowfully, “Oh, honey. Listen to yourself. You’re equating going to the doctor with something being wrong with him? You realize that doesn’t make any sense, right?” The more she gets upset, the calmer I’d get. (“Oh honey, there you go again. do you see how worked up you’re getting about this?”) When she says, “Okay, fine, you take him to the doctor if you think he’s broken!” I’d say, shaking my head (and always speaking very calmly), “You sure do have a bee in your bonnet about being broken. That’s not healthy. You know, I’m going to make that appointment for Junior, and maybe at the same time I should make an appointment with a therapist with you, because it’s not normal to think that going to a doctor means you’re broken.”
I do not recommend this technique because it contributes to contempt for one’s partner, which is really not a good thing, and will make her absolutely furious. I do it with my mom sometimes because I get so angry that I want her to be furious, but then again I don’t have to live with her. However, sometimes when the other person knows you will go on the offensive, it makes them less likely to challenge you. There are topics my mom doesn’t touch anymore because she knows it’ll set off the “Oh mom, mom, you know that’s irrational!” response.
A variant I’d more recommend with someone you actually have to live with are both of Lady of the Lake’s suggestions, which are great.
