I would not base a major life-changing decision on the opinions of an anonymous message board. I would also not cheat no my spouse. That’s just me though.
Barrington, you’re going to get a lot of very nasty responses to this – mostly directed at her, but also at you to a lesser extent. I’d advise you not to engage the posters who seem upset, otherwise this will quickly turn into a shouting match.
You’re not evil, and she’s not evil. You’re in a difficult situation.
Would her visit be fun? Probably.
Would it make both of you happier for a least a little while? Probably.
On the other hand. . .
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What are the chances that you and her become serious, get married, and lead a happy life together? Extremely low. So whatever benefits there are will be short-lived.
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What are the chances that one or both of you will somewhat regret the affair for a long time? Extremely high.
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What are the chances that one or both of you will extremely regret the affair for a long time? Relatively high.
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What are the chances that the husband will find out? Probably better than 50/50.
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If he does find out, what are the chances that the husband will be crushed? Extremely high.
Now, you may disagree about the odds of some or all of those possibilities, but part of what makes this such a difficult position is that it’s so hard to be objective and thoughtful. There have been millions of men in your shoes who sincerely believed that they needed to do it to be happy, or that they were meant to be together, or that the husband would never know. Most of those men were wrong – how can you tell that you aren’t wrong as well? You can’t, and the odds say that you’re more likely to do harm than the good, and that the harmful outcomes will be more intense than the good outcomes.
There is a lot of harm on the table. Far too much to make this anything but a dumb decision, IMO.
Good luck, whatever happens.
What he/she said. And what I said. And what others said.
Don’t do it. You know you shouldn’t, she knows she shouldn’t. Yeah, you’ll both probably enjoy the weekend or whatever but the long term problems are huge. I’ve been on both ends of this one many years ago and it just isn’t worth it. Anyway, why are you posting on an anonymous message board looking for your morals? Don’t you have any of your own?
Testy
That’s overly harsh, the two are not mutually exclusive.
Barrington, I think you’ve got three options.
Walk away which will hurt both A and Z in the short term but avoid a lot of sleepless nights.
Have A visit. I think of the three parties you’ll actually get off lightest when the shit inevitably hits the fan. So that’s clearly a selfish option.
Try and continue things as they are. An unstable solution and inevitably you’re going to arrive at one of the other options sooner or later.
There is only one way to have your cake and eat it. A has to tell B everything. Then depending on his response you might get what you want. Or you might not. But at least A’s and Z’s consciences will be clear to enjoy what they have / had at that point.
Just say no. I wot whereof I speak. I would like myself better if I didn’t.
By a good number of people’s definitions, he wouldn’t be either of those, the wife would. However, he’d be leading her to become a liar and cheater, and a lot of moral people think that facilitating this kind of betrayal, causing temptation like that, is equally wrong or nearly so.
And yes, judging by Barrington’s OP much less the followup, B has no idea. If this were an open relationship between A and B, that would have been stated in the OP and the issue would be different in some fashion. Saying that B knows that sex can go on in Second Life is like saying that B knows that sexual relationships can happen at work - he doesn’t expect that his wife, A, actually plans to go out and get sex.
And I’m sure that Z will not want to believe this, but often the chemistry in-person versus online is sooooo different that A or Z might well feel absolutely nothing for the other person after they meet, even regretting the cybersex that went on before it. That’s not to say Z should think he’s being noble if he wants to go ahead with the meeting with the “hope” of disillusioning A, mind you.
A Rat Bastard’s POV:
Sure I’d fuck her if she’s hot.
But I would never in my life consider this girl anything more than a fuck.
And maybe it’s my ego talking here but I aint playing second fiddle to nobody.
(Unless said person has young children and even THAT will only go so far)
BTW: You’re not in love; you’re just caught up in a fantasy.
Women who are happily married don’t, in my experience, spend hours talking to strange men and revealing their innermost secrets. I would venture to guess that her relationship is failing in more ways than sexually. She is getting gratification from you — sexual and emotional — because she isn’t getting it from her husband. (Is he still B? I forget the letter designations.)
If you ask me, this isn’t a question about whether extramarital sex is okay. Sex isn’t bad or evil.
The question is about her responsibility to her partner, in particular her avoidance of that duty. If she’s unhappy and unfulfilled, she should take the responsibility to fix it; and if it can’t be fixed, to end it. She’s not likely to take that step as long as she’s got you. You’re enabling her to avoid her duty to her husband.
It’s like this: your car is making a funny rattling noise, and you should take it to the shop, but the mechanic is going to cost a packet. Or you could take the bus — but meanwhile, your car still doesn’t run properly. You’re the bus, and she needs to fix her car.
I get the sense that you know this is a bad idea, and are looking for support in doing the right thing – which is telling her not to come.
This is a bad idea. Tell her not to come.
In China, this term can be referred to as WANG.
What?
Don’t do it. Period.
You mention that A and Z are falling deeply in love. Nope. You may think it’s love but there is no love without trust. You can’t trust her because she is not being honest to B. The “relationship” will go nowhere except to the bedroom, you’ll feel guilt over what you have done (the fact that you are already questioning what could happen shows your concerns) and B is the only innocent person here.
Tell her thanks but no thanks and cut off all communications with her. If you enjoy cybersex and hope to bring it into the RW, find a single partner who is not in a relationship.
I would code it like this:
If Exists Z Then
Exit;
Else
Fun := A*B;
End If;
It sounds to me like you know what the right answer is, you are just hoping someone will change your mind. Go with your gut, not your penis.
Did you honestly think anyone was going to tell you this was a good idea?
Put yourself in her husband’s position. This is beyond crappy and hurtful.
It’s the SDMB. No matter what you suggest doing, there’s always someone who will say do it, even if it’s obviously a bad idea.
It’s a bad idea. Don’t do it. Trust me on this.
What DDG said.
storming in
Excuse me? When have I (we) EVER given advice to someone in the OP’s position contrary to what he’s already received? Cite? I find it rather insulting of you to insinuate that I would encourage someone to have an illicit affair.
As for the OP, there’s a lot of good advice in this thread. I’m especially partial to, “Would you help her cheat on an exam?” and “If she cheats on him, why would you expect her not to cheat on you?”
Yes, you can.
You are an adult with full control of your faculties. No one is holding a gun against your head.
I’m going to quote Autolycus from a different thread where this topic came up:
Don’t kid yourself. There’s nothing special about your attraction to this person. Especially, there’s nothing so remarkable that it excuses the harm you would cause to her husband.
If it’s wrong for the wife, then it’s wrong for you too. It’s like selling somebody a gun that you know will be used in a robbery.
That said, I question how wrong it is for the wife. If my wife had some kink that I couldn’t satisfy, I don’t think it would be so terrible for her to sneak around behind me as long as she was discreet about it and as long as she was careful not to bring any sexually transmitted diseases home.
I agree with this. In addition:
If you are asking if this is morally wrong, I say she has already ended her marriage, her husband just doesn’t know it (yet). She may want to stay in it for security reasons but ultimately, she is having an emotional affair and doesn’t even have the strength to get out of one relationship to pursue another. If it is just sex, have fun. She is hurting her husband, you are not part of that relationship and if it isn’t you she is using for her needs, it will be someone else.
If you are asking whether you are wrong to get involved emotionally? Yes, you’re going to get hurt. She doesn’t love you or she would commit to you and not say she is staying with a husband that she obviously doesn’t honor but only stays for whatever selfish motivation she may have. Once you take the relationship to the physical level, there is no going back so think carefully.