Sounds like she isn’t in a loving relationship. If somebody is willing to emotionally harm their partner (or potentially harm) simply because they don’t share kinks, then their relationship must not mean anything.
Seriously, it is one thing if they are in a tattered relationship and their sex is not fulfilling at all, it is another to cheat on a husband because he isn’t into whips and chains or something. In a relationship we all make sacrifices, and if the man is making them for the woman (i.e being faithful, not getting that 42" HDTV, etc), but the woman is willing to risk their relationship for a bit of a thrill, that is sad and pathetic.
Sleeping with people who are married to other people is never a moral idea. The immorality of it boggles the mind, the consequences are NOT worth it. I think Weird Al is one the sexiest men alive, for example, but even if I wasn’t married to the sweetest man there is, I wouldn’t screw Al if he covered himself in babaganooj; he’s married.
(BTW, have you and she discussed what you’ll do if she gets pregnant after you ‘meet’? 'Cause babies happen when people least expect them sometimes.)
Sorry, you met her on- what is more or less- a virtual reality video game. It’s silly to kid yourself that it is anything more than infatuation, as you’ve never even met this woman. Sure, there is an allure to the unattainable, but I think that if you move forward with this in any regard, reality is going to come plummeting down upon you in a most uncomfortable way.
I know this sounds incredibly harsh and judgmental of me (why yes, those are two of my stronger characteristics :p), but I think it speaks volumes about her (and you, actually) that she decided to try for a relationship in a virtual forum. Part of it certainly is that I think the whole thing is “weird”, but a definite larger part is that you two tried to escape reality through a virtual means. Your problem, of course, is that you are attempting to cross back into the real world. I would ask what is wrong with her- and you- that is causing her to look for a relationship in a virtual world/video game? If she really wants an affair or a different relationship, why not go after that in the open “real world”? Clearly, something much larger than her relationship is wrong with this woman.
Run, don’t walk, far away. And for the love of fuck, don’t ever tell someone you’ve never met and only talked to online that you love them (in more than a friendly way, of course). That’s childish and just asking for trouble. Adults have relationships in the real world and if it REALLY is love, it can wait until a little real world interaction happens.
Suggest to her to get therapy and to speak to her husband. If he isn’t open to her sexual kinks- and that is the ONLY problem in their marriage- surely they can work out some middle ground that doesn’t involve her fucking random men off the internet. If they have bigger problems, then she needs to get therapy and perhaps leave him. The answer to her problem does not lie with a stranger on the internet from some foreign country.
I have not read this entire thread, but I will add that over years of covering crime, I have found love triangles to be one of the most common motives for murder or assault. (Money is the other big one). Think LONG and HARD about messing with another man’s woman, especially a guy you don’t know anything about. He might just be the type to come looking for you with a 12 gauge. It has happened, much more often than you think. No woman is worth becoming a statistic over. For this reason alone, I never mess with ANYONE who still has someone else in the picture.
What do you want? Someone to tell you it’s a good idea? You already know the answer.
Is (A) the only girl in the world? No. Are you “in love” with (A)? No, you haven’t even met her.
And what do you plan to do once you sleep together? Are you just going to hit it and fly home? Do you think she’s going to leave her husband for you?
The only possible reason you have to sleep with her is that it feeds your ego. Don’t insult our intelligence that you have given the “morality” of it any consideration.
Did you think that was too harsh? Maybe so. The OP (to me) came across as someone determined to do something and simply wanted some people to tell him it was OK to do so. He almost inevitably knows this is a very messed-up thing to do so why even ask the question?
Sleeping with a married person is a Very Bad Idea, unless you’re married to them, or unless everyone in the marriage is okay with your activities. Do not engage in deception or concealment or dishonesty. Run away now.
If you can’t, if you really feel that this person is worth any struggle, the only other moral alternative IMHO is to try to force a break. Offer an ultimatum: either you or the existing marriage. If the existing marriage is already crumbling, the person you desire may choose you over it. But I wouldn’t count on it.
I was Z. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life. But I paid for it. Namely:
I was B. It’s an awful thing to have happen to you. And don’t think I feel any more neutral towards the Z in that situation knowing A initiated it, and that Z wasn’t married at the time.
I don’t understand why a kink is somehow now a socially acceptable reason for adultery. No married couple satisfies every need in every way. If the kink is more important than the relationship, get a divorce. It just sounds to me like a crappy excuse to cheat.
Barrington, I wonder how many single women out there near you (geographically/physically) who might be willing to share your kink are just sitting there alone without you since you have overly invested in time, effort, emotion to a married woman in another country? Wouldn’t that seem more tragic to you instead of this long distance relationship with someone who is currently emotionally unstable by her actions? Is this an ideal situation that you really want, or is that the best you can really do?
Let me also add that the whatever emotional intimacy that you and A share, diminishes the emotional intimacy that A and B share, further damaging their relationship. Now B has two strikes against him, and he doesn’t know that he’s behind in the count.
A real (or even a virtual) friend would tell A to go get counseling to learn how to meet each others (A&B exclusively) needs, and wish her well, without any follow-ups on your part.
You on the other hand, need to go find SF1, SF2, SF3…until your needs are met, and you can actually COMMIT to each other without having side issues like this cropping up.
Your respectful action in this matter can improve the lives of 4 people, or your selfish action will hurt the lives of 4 people. (I’m adding SF here too). Good Luck.
But in this case, why not bring it all out into the open and alter the arrangements of the marriage? Especially before one takes any overt actions? If a spouse isn’t getting needs met, hiding it only builds up trouble for the future.
I believe that the sneaking and dishonesty in these kinds of situations does more to damage marriages than the actual physical acts.
You’re missing my point. She (a married woman) went online to meet someone, whether it was consciously or subconsciously, that’s what happened. What makes you think she wouldn’t do it to you in the future?
Naturally, as a person in denial about the situation, your response is expected, so I won’t be so harsh on you. But overall, you’re living in a dream world. No matter what you do, how you do it or think that there are morals involved, you are no more than a shorterm playtoy for her. There are no ethics and morals in your situation.
Don’t do it. Nothing good will come except a moment of mutual gratification followed by days or weeks of resentment. You will hurt her more by agreeing to meet with her than you will by turning her down. Trust us on this. Her moral compass will be so out of whack she won’t know which way is up after the trip.
Been there done that, more than once. It was never good in the long run.
The problem is that there may be other issues involved, like children, a business, a house, families, or whatever that make divorce impractical. On the other hand, it seems harsh to condemn somebody to years of dissatisfaction.
A lot of people can’t handle the truth. We all lie to our spouses to keep the relationship afloat. For example, only an idiot would say “Yes, you are looking fat honey.” Or, “I would rather look at naked chicks on the internet than look at you naked.”
I agree that ideally, everything should be above-board. But a lot of those open relationships get destroyed by feelings of jealousy that arise. (Granted a lot of non-open relationships get destroyed when one partner is caught cheating.)
There’s another person involved here who may not be overjoyed about “changing the arrangements of the marriage” to allow the other person to fuck strangers in other countries
Kinks are not “needs.”
I’m with the majority. It would be a colossally stupid idea to meet this person, not just because it would be ethically bankrupt but also because the OP really has no idea who this person is. “A” could be a dude named Frank for all Z really knows. It’s not like there’s any genuine relationship here, just internet wanking and fantasy.
Why should anyone give a shit about their “dissatisfaction?” When did we elevate selfish sexual desires to the level of an emotional entitlement? If X wants anal and his wife isn’t into it, does that mean Z isn’t getting his “needs” met and therefore has a right to cheat on his wife?
No, you are being a little over the top. Meeting sexual desires is part of emotional fulfillment, and you should be able to expect that out of a marriage. Hopefully there can be a compromise and as much as possible should be worked out before marriage, but it is full of crap to say “who gives a shit”.
Fuck their emotional “fulfillment.” Sexual kinks are not “needs” and anyone who really can’t be emotionally fulfilled unless he can piss on someone or tie them up or whatever needs therapy, not permission to cheat.
Says you, I guess. I don’t think it’s “permission to cheat” necessarily but it’s a perfectly valid “deal breaker” depending how important your sex life is to you. I guess you are one of those lucky, lucky guys who places very little value on sexual fulfillment but you really shouldn’t generalize that into some universal morality or desire baseline.