Well, I didn’t expect all this. :o
With the news of Tim Burton’s take on the Lewis Carroll tale in the works, Alice in Wonderland morbid jokes, please.
Alice felt a curious prodding in the small of her back. “Eat me!” said a voice in Alice’s ear.
A guy goes walking in the forest and comes across a big sign that reads “Beware: this forest contains randy gay bears.”
He decides to continue and walks for a few more minutes and then comes to another sign that reads “We really mean it! Randy gay bears in this forest, be careful!”.
Again he decides to continue and after a few minutes walks into a clearing with a small sign in the middle. The sign has writing in it too small to read so he walks over to it and bends down to have a closer look.
The sign says “We warned you twice”.
If women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?
IHOP.
Hee. I love that one. Along the same lines,
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"I’ve heard that one before but it’s still a beaut. 
An all time favorite of mine.
It is the last day of march, and this guy is out of town on business.
While he is away, his wife gives birth to their first born.
As soon as he makes it into town he rushes to the hospital, finds the first nurse he can and says he wants to see his new baby.
She scurries away and comes back holding a little wrapped child, however half way there she trips and drops the baby.
The man is appalled and horrified that instead of picking up the baby, instead she punts it across the room where it hits the wall and bounces into the trash receptacle.
As she is signaling a big score, arms held high, the man finds breath to scream what the fuck are you doing, you are killing my child…
She comes over with a big grin, slaps him on the back and exclaims “April fools, it was born dead!”
Makes me giggle every time. Tee-hee-hee
What is worse than nailing 10 baby to 10 trees?
Nailing 1 baby to 10 trees.
What is worse than a pile of dead babies?
A living baby inside eating its way out.
Why did the boy fall out of the swing?
Because he had no arms.
There was a guy watching the tv when he gets phone call. It turns out to be a doctor.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news” said the doctor. “The bad news is that your wife was in a car accident, lost her arms and legs, and is going to need help eating and going to the bathroom.”
“Oh my God…” says the husband. “What on Earth could be the good news?”
The doctor replied “I’m just kidding. She’s dead.”
grins
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors: Bob, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert island. They live there for a couple of years doing what is natural for men and women to do…After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Bob and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course.
Well,a couple more years went by and Bob and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried her…
Isn’t that refreshing?
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, “Hey, I know I’m not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them.”
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, “I’m sorry as hell man, but it wasn’t you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck.”
Mmmm. Yum
How can you tell when you wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How do you get a (Polish, Asian, Indian, Japanese, Korean, Hispanic, Greek, Armenian, Caucasian, Russian, African, Bulgarian, Italian, or any other races you can think of) pregnant?
You cum in her shoes and let the flies to the rest.
I remember that. The guy actually got arrested.
Here are some morbid jokes drawn from real life:
(After Challenger disaster) What does NASA stand for? “Need Another Seven Astronauts”
Last words on the Challenger? “What does this button do?”
Why didn’t Natalie Wood take a shower before going up on the deck? Because she knew she’d wash on on the shore.
What did Brady (Reagan’s assassination attempt victim) say when he woke up in the hospital? “I need this job like a hole in the head”.
Richard Carpenter has written a new song. It’s called “She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Sister.”
Oh - did you hear about the Michael Jackson sale at Kmart? Little boys’ pants half off.