More ___ than a ___!

In this thread we discussed Dan Rather’s backhomisms during the election coverage.

Why, some of his crazy comments made my eyes bug out like a stomped on toad frog’s.

Got me thinking. With my 40th b-day looming 10 days away, I am well on my way to codgerhood. But in my goal to become a lovable old coot, I find myself woefully lacking in the area of corny aphorisms. So help me out folks. Feel free to drift into Johnny Carson “How ___ was it?” territory. And if you actually say “Johhny who?”, come on over here so I can whack you with my cane.

To start off, let me state that this here election has me jumpier than a one legged man in an asskicking contest.

And, to quote Tom Waits, I’m so god-damned horny the crack of dawn better look out around me.

I would love to contribute to this thread, but I would be plagurizing more than college freshman during rush week.

I’m in the middle of a Dennis Miller Rants book, and I’m not able to keep the similies and analogies out of my speech patterns any more.

Some of the ones that cracked me up:
“More full of shit than a Porta-Potty at the Lollopalooza Concert”
“He’s got so many facial peircings, he looks like he fell down a flight of stairs carrying a tackle box.”
“Get’s paid less attention than Moneypenny at a Bond Girls’ reunion.”
“That script was passed around more than a sheep-skin flask at Blue Oyster Cult concert.”

And they just keep coming. But I’m sure Mr. Miller would rather you buy his book, than have me recite them to you.

I saw this one on the SDMB a while back, I forget whose it is, but I like it:

Hotter than a whore’s ass on dollar night.

I feel more embarrassed than Dustin Hoffman after making Ishtar.
I feel more ill at ease than someone hearing a banjo playing while camping out in Georgia.

I’m hornier than the illegitimate love child of Hellraiser and The Shrike.

I’m more excited than Jim Carrey hopped up on goofballs, riding the Tilt-o-whirl

I can spew out more shit than a politician attending an Oelestra and Ex-Lax flavored burrito convention.

Another unoriginal one, courtesy of North Dallas Forty

“Spinnin’ 'round faster than a one legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond.”

It’s hard to believe no one has yet posted my favorite:

Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Rodney Dangerfield as Monty Burns’ son;

“Whoa, this guy’s got more bread than a prison meatloaf.”
Some others:

Her legs were longer than a Holiday Sermon

More excited than a squid at a milking contest

As your old coot-dom approaches, Dinsdale, you may rely more and more upon the classics: More fun than a barrel of monkeys!