Some of you may remember from a thread on the temp boards (I’ve got a non-sexual crush , I believe it was called) that I was trying to decide whether or not to contact somebody who I met at a party.
Well, here’s what happened - I did track down his number and called. He seemed very happy to hear from me, gave me his address, and told me to drop by whenever I wanted. I thought that was a little odd, frankly, but didn’t say anything about it.
About a week later I was walking past his place (I go past it quite often in my day-to-day errands and such), and I decided to psych myself up to ring the bell. He seemed quite delighted that I had showed up - but he and his partner were entertaining some other people. I was very embarrassed, being as none of them knew me from a hole in the ground, but they insisted I stay and have drinks with them. I did, but felt very uncomfortable - even though they made every effort to be very hospitable.
Now, my question is this - what the hell is going on here? I personally have never just given some relative stranger my address - does that seem really weird to anyone else? Also, should I go back? I don’t want to make the same mistake again - crashing their party - but I would like to visit again. I feel like showing up at that time was a major faux pas - but I can’t decide if I would think it was a huge faux pas if someone else did it to me. This happened about a week ago, and no contact has been made since then - should I call? Should I wait for him to call?
I have a tendency to really fixate on a particular event if I think that I have made a fool of myself - and thats what is happening here. I can’t stop thinking about it, and I think I have lost all perspective. I am counting on some Dopers to come along with sober judgements on the situation.
He gave you his address and told you to drop by any time. So you did. If he appeared hospitable, then assume that he genuinely felt so. If he had not meant you to drop by unannounced then he should not have told you to do so. Any social uncomfortableness is his responsibility, not yours. If you want to explain your feelings about the situation, then call him and ask for clarification. Ask if it’s generally OK to pop by or if he would prefer that you call first. You won’t know unless you ask.
Please try not to worry, and don’t think that you have committed a faux pas. If this were the 19th century, and he had said “Please call on us” then you might have been expected to leave an engraved calling card with the footman. This is the 21st century, and we no longer have a rigidly codified system of visiting. I’ll bet the gentleman doesn’t even employ a footman.
It’s very strange to the rest of us, because most people would never dream of just dropping in on someone like that, but some people don’t mind at all being dropped in on; it sounds like this guy is one of those. It does seem a bit odd that he gave you his address after barely knowing you, so I’d say don’t be suspicious necessarily, but watch for red flags. He might just be very open and trusting, but you never know.
I’d say call first rather than showing up again–even if he’s totally fine with it, it makes you uncomfortable, so that’s what you should go on. Don’t worry TOO much about his not having called you; I’m someone who doesn’t call others a lot, but I’m usually happy to hear from people. I just get so caught up in my own little world I completely forget.
Maybe next time, call him up and invite him out for coffee or something, so you won’t feel like you’re imposing on his hospitality at home. Once you get to know him better, you’ll have a better idea whther dropping in is truly OK, and you won’t feel so awkward about it. (Or whether he’s a complete weirdo and you should stay away.)
Keep in mind that some relationships (friendships) may start off a little awkwardly, for the very reasons you’ve given.
He said stop by anytime, so you did, but he had guests. You felt awkward about staying, but they insisted, and were welcoming and cordial.
Well, it’s just a little collision of two worlds, really. He may a be a little more casual about acquaintances stopping by, and is always willing to entertain them (BTW, you say he was entertaining other people. Were they just sitting around having drinks and chatting, or were they “dressed for dinner” with Jeeves serving turtle soup? There’s a big difference).
So you felt you were intruding and shouldn’t have been there, since that’s not your style. He was glad you could join them and tried to make you feel welcome, since the more the merrier.
I think it’s more that you’re each not as used to the other’s entertaining lifestyle. Personally, I’d be a little cheesed if someone just showed up, but, of course, I don’t tell people to just show up, either.
I think Geobabe’s suggestion of calling first, or suggesting a neutral, inexpensive venue (like coffee or browsing at Barnes & Noble) is the best next step.
And don’t feel awkward. Chances are if he didn’t care to have an acquaintanceship with you, he’d make sure you understood that.
Thakns for your replies and opinions guys. I am glad to see that nobody has yet said I have made a horrible faux pas and should hide my face and avoid him for the rest of time.
DAVEW0071 , they were just sitting around having drinks and chatting, so it wasn’t as bad as it might have been. Still, I have never had the dubious pleasure of crashing a cocktail night before, so the experience was entirely a new one to me.
As I say, the evening itself made me uncomfortable, but the whole relationship is pretty strange really. I have asked a few RL friends about this too, and everybody thinks the “here’s my address, come on over” approach is bizarre, to say the least. Still, he was very welcoming and, as I said, I would like to go back.
Part of me is afraid that if I call/drop by again, he will be thinking"why does she NEVER leave me alone!", but then I think, if I felt that way about someone, would I really give them my address?
I think if you contacted him, instead of just dropping by, and said something like, “I was gonna go out for coffee and a Danish, wanna meet me?” Or ask him to go window shopping or something.
And, really, tell him how much you enjoy his company and value his friendship. I mean, otherwise he might think you were a stalker for real.