The way I was raised, it was always taken for granted that friends could drop by and hang out, call you up and say, “Hey, you doing anything? Want to get together?” and if you say OK, then you just put on the teakettle or pop a couple brews and have a spontaneous, relaxed, casual visit. It never occurred to me to question this understanding between friends in the social order of things.
I was given a radically different point of view by someone today, someone who doesn’t keep any snacks or anything on hand for guests dropping by, and who considers it unacceptable for friends to just call up and come over to hang out. In this view of things, I was told a bit sternly, people lead such busy lives it just isn’t done to pay casual visits. The only way to have guests over is to plan a special dinner well in advance, to give the host a chance to set aside the time and buy things to prepare for it.
I was honestly surprised that this is considered the norm in some circles. Maybe it’s a sort of cultural difference, how a person is raised? Culturally speaking, we’re both Northerners, I’m Italian-Irish and was raised Catholic in a family with a lot of kids and a lot of relatives; the other point of view came from someone of German-Anglo Protestant extraction, an only child who never had kids. I don’t know if this makes a difference. What I was getting was that it’s an inexcusable burden to impose your company on your friends spontaneously, whereas I’ve always thought of it as an honor to be a hostess. And I like having friends over.
I was wondering how many Dopers align with either of these different approaches to socializing, or if there are yet other points of view on the question. What do you think?
IMO the ability to have guests over at a moment’s notice means you had better keep a pretty neat house. If I had guests over I would want plenty of warning (at least a day) so I could tidy things up. If my place was messy having people “drop by” and expect to be invited in would be a very high stress situation and I’d be pissed.
I like a head’s up. Call first. I’m usually semi-naked at home, and the house is often not clean enough for company. But if you call and give me half an hour, I’m usually happy to entertain.
The friend sounds crazy to me. Anyone who drops by would understand that there is no obligation by the host to have a tidy house or to offer refreshments.
I love a good surprise, if I have had about a week’s notice.
No. Actually, I really, really hate surprises. Hate surprises! It is a character flaw of mine that I am a planner.
Drop in guests are not a real problem, but I always get the feeling that I could have done soo much better with at little notice. Makes me very uncomfortable.
Everyone has a phone with them now!! Call ahead with a small amount of warning.
They are absolutely not coming over without more advance notice than that unless it is very brief and they have my permission. I have two young daughters and they have a schedule plus I have mine. I have let some older relatives drop in for a few minutes if they are in area but that is an exception. That is a quick way for a friend to become an ex-friend unless they don’t want to say anything more that “Hi!”. There is no way that I am cooking dinner or making a smack platter and an assortment of beer and wine for anyone that just feels like dropping by. My family is much more important to me than them.
I like spontaneity. My friends do too. Some really good times have been on fifteen minutes notice–IMHO, I’d rather be included/bring a good person in at the last minute, than not at all. Johanna–I don’t get your friend’s point of view at all–He seems to prefer not doing something to doing something without much warning.
Also, at least for me, being busy means a lot more, rather than a lot less is planned at the last minute. I may find I’m free, or want to do something social only around lunchtime–If I had to plan everything weeks in advance, I’d have a pitiful social life. Plus, I may not have a kitchen equipped for anything at any time, but there are beverages in the house, and there is something to eat–enough to have a good time.
Now that being said, some notice is a good thing (I’ve only met one person who took a genuine “surprise attack” approach to visiting friends–that was kind of weird). Guests who bring beer are also good (and solve the limited refreshments in the house problem)
Most important, however, is friends who understand it’s short notice, and who know I get that too–so if it works, it’s great, and if it doesn’t, we decline the proposal gracefully and try again next time.
I like having people just drop round, most of the time. But I think there’s a particular ettiquette that droppers-in understand, which maybe people used to more formal socialising might not get - that is, you don’t expect your host to tidy for you, or offer complicated refreshments, or reorganise their afternoon. If you turn up and your host is just shoehorning three children into their coats to go out to the supermarket, then you smile and wave and go on your way. If they say “oh no this is a really bad time” - do likewise. If you find your friend in the middle of the ironing, they keep ironing and you grab a glass of water or a cup of tea and chat.
You do need to find out which of your friends are up for a “drop in” relationship and which not. This can be fairly easily accomplished by asking them. Demanding that nobody in the world socialise that way just because you don’t like it seems a little…demanding.
A lot of this is a cultural thing, and it varies greatly even from one part of the US to another.
In the Seattle area, if you visit someone’s house, it’s because you got an engraved invitation three weeks earlier and you called to make sure they really meant it. A lot of people who move here find it very hard to make friends and think everyone is cold. We don’t have front porches; half the time, someone at your front door is standing in the rain. When I managed apartments, two people had lived next door to each other for five years without ever meeting! They passed notes to each other through management (or did, until I put my foot down). In four years at my house, I’ve never met the folks across the street on the left (though not for lack of trying; I’m originally from California).
My wife is from Texas. Where she came from, firing up the BBQ was equivalent to issuing an invitation for anyone in the neighborhood to drop by with a hunk of beef and a six-pack of beer to share. They all had front porches and would just drop by to talk. Her great aunt could feed three dozen people if she had at least fifteen minutes notice. (Much like the grandmortherly lady in Twister).
Personally, I like the IDEA of spontaneity much more the reality. I absolutely love hosting people (in fact, I’d rather have people to my place than go to theirs), but it’s nice to have some time to make sure things are done right and to be sure I can commit to enjoying the company rather than fretting about other things I need to be doing.
LOL- MY DH is more like dracoi’s Seattle person, and I’m more like the Texas person. I like a houseful and the contolled chaos that entails. DH says he can’t do (whatever) because it is too far away to plan, then he can’t do it because it wasn’t planned. Somehow we manage to balance it out.
Too many dropper-inners tend to think that I have absolutely nothing else to do than to keep the house immaculate, and have snacks and amusements ready at all times. Nope. My house is in various stages of clean, my husband doesn’t like to go grocery shopping until we’re out of several necessities, and I keep weird hours. My inlaws used to love to drop by, thinking that they’d be just in time for dinner, and I would point out that I had fixed exactly three servings of dinner, because that was what I had in the house, and then we needed to go shopping, because I was tired of going hungry (and listen to my father-in-law bitch about the meager portion, and he’d eye my daughter’s dinner, too)(yeah, my father-in-law was a real asshole) until they left, at 10 PM. So I took to refusing them at the door. This was before cell phones were so common, but they NEVER called before just dropping by.
Part of the culture is from when many people didn’t have phones, and everyone worked the same hours. So it was OK to assume that if you dropped by someone’s house at 7 PM, they probably had finished dinner and were either listening to the radio or watching TV, if they weren’t going out. Even then, though, people who were used to having phones (some people did, some didn’t, some had party lines) usually called first.
When I lived in Spain in the late 70s, I was friends with several other Air Force wives, and nobody had a phone, so everyone did the drop in thing. However, once I got back to the States, if I wanted to visit someone, I called first and asked.
I know that one of my aunts used to drop by our house, with her husband, right after they both got off work, and my mother would invite them to stay for dinner. My mother had two kids, Aunt and Uncle had none, my mother didn’t work outside the home, and it was a financial imposition. However, Aunt and Uncle clearly expected to be fed several times a week, and no, they didn’t reciprocate. They thought that the pleasure of their company was enough.
Personally, I think that people who just drop in, unless they KNOW that they are welcome any time, are very rude. My in-laws knew that my husband worked a rotating shift (he’d work 3 days on day shift, 3 on evening shift, and then 3 on mid shift) so the chances were that he was either at work or asleep. They had a phone, but they expected him to be home and awake at 6 PM, because that’s when THEY were ready to visit and be fed.
Now, if you want to call me up and ask if it’s OK to come over, that’s fine, as long as you understand that I might have other plans, or I might not be up to it. I have inflammatory bowel disease, and there are times when I have to have unrestricted access to the bathroom. I don’t want anyone coming over when I’m going to have to spend 45 minutes out of every hour in the bathroom, nor am I going to want to go out any place. Give me a day or two’s notice, and I’ll be happy to take Imodium in order to temporarily halt the problem. The reason I don’t take this on a regular basis is because I’ll get constipated. But I’m social, within my limits.
If a friend called me and asked “Hey, you doing anything? Want to get together?” I would assume they were inviting ME to THEIR house, or that they wanted to meet at a bar or a restaurant or something. I would be rather weirded out if it turned out that they were inviting themselves to my place.
I guess the etiquette was a bit looser back when I was living in a college dorm, but in general, I wouldn’t invite myself into someone else’s space unless they were a close relative or someone I was dating.
I concur. Anyone who really knows me knows that I’m a slobby Guitar Hero junkie who lives on PB&J sandwiches and beer so when they invite themselves over they’d better bring a six-pack and bag of chips. I used to stock up on snacks and booze “just in case” of drop-ins but I started to feel a bit taken advantage of; my house became the defacto hangout because I was always ready to entertain and had lots of cool toys. Things improved once I insisted that my friends contribute something if they want to hang with me, not just show up hungry and empty-handed looking for a good time.
The way I see it, they’re your friends, and as such, shouldn’t care if your house is a mess.
Plus, if they come over because they want to “hang out” but think less of me because I don’t have any snacks or beverages on hand, then fuck them. Those aren’t the kind of friends I want in my life. To me, that’s basically saying the only reason they came over was to freeload off of me. Why would I want a friend like that?
If you stop by, I don’t want to hear a fucking word about how messy my house or apartment may be, or complaints about what I have on hand. And don’t expect me to drop everything to entertain you, because you’re intruding on my time without prior consent. I’ll do my best to give you time, entertainment and consumables, within a narrow window of what makes me comfortable and happy, not necessarily what satisfies your demands.
Otherwise, I definitely prefer to make plans ahead of time for getting together, either at my house or at others.
I don’t like drop ins, and actually have to occasionally cancel planned fun [like yesterdays picnic with friends we haven’t seen in about 3 months :(] mainly because of my health … which sucks but my friends are very understanding.
It is actually easier for me to do the contacting and going to visit because most of my friends are sort of the same stay at home and hang out type so we stand a fairly good chance of them being home, and meeting up with other fiends there.
It doesn’t help that we live in the east end of the state, and everybody we hang out with lives 50 miles away in Hartford…
What works when you’re in college, or single and 24 living in an apartment doesn’t work so well when you’re 40, have 3 kids, and five very full schedules.
In theory I’m not averse to drop-ins. As a practical matter, unless you call 2 weeks ahead, there are zero minutes in the day I can give you; they’re all already scheduled for someone or something else. Including scheduled “me” time, which by definition doesn’t include dealing with other people.
I always have snacks & drinks on hand for our own use, and we keep the place neat enough all the time, so I don’t have any concerns in that area.
Drop ins make me queasy. It’s not because I don’t enjoy their company, or that my time is more special- my house is often messy and I carry a lot if guilt over it. Yeah, my friends wouldn’t care- but I do. I assume my friends also don’t want to cause me angst!
I think inviting yourself to someone else’s place is a bit…weird and presumptuous, regardless of how much lead time you give them. But if someone calls and asks if we want to do something tonight, our most likely response is “Sure, come over and we’ll throw something on the grill!” Assuming, of course, that we’re available, nobody’s sick, and the house is in reasonable shape.
The big pre-planned event has its place–we just had a big graduation party for DoctorJ’s residents Friday, complete with rented club lights and fog machine. It was fun, but you don’t want to go all out terribly often because it can be an awful lot of work. But having a handful of people over for burgers or pasta and some cards or video games or whatever you have? You can do that a few times a month without any real effort. It’s one of my favorite sorts of entertaining ever.
Sadly, trying to do this with any of our friends is like trying to negotiate an arms treaty. One couple won’t come unless they can find a baby-sitter, even though we tell them to bring the kids and anybody else they want. Another couple only ever wants to come over on the one night I’m likely to have to work late. And so on. It’s a shame, really.