I loathe this. I have informed my friends (after several of them did this few times) that I don’t like unexpected visitors. They’ve pretty much stopped doing it but I just had a friend drive up to my house (with her kids) and call me to say she was in the neighborhood (more like on my doorstep). I told her I was on the way out (semi-true) and if she’d called ahead I would have arranged things to see her.
Reasons I don’t like unexpected visitors: my house might be a mess, I might not be showered/dressed for company or I might be in one of my reclusive moods.
Is my attitude unusual? Frankly, I think that ‘just dropping in’ is extremely rude. I accept that there may be certain family members or friends that you have a literal open door policy with so that’d be okay because it’s an established pattern.
No, not rude, for the reasons you already posted. Your house, your life, your rules.
On the other hand, they can be a nice surprise. That being said, I am not afraid to be taken as a rude person by speaking directly when called for. So, if it is time for the unannounced visitor to leave, I will say basically that. Hey, glad you dropped by, but time’s up.
Throw on a shirt, grab a beer for the guest, turn on a movie for their kids, and be ready to pull the plug when you’ve had enough.
There was another thread on this not long ago. I recall the consensus being it depends a lot on your age. As a young adult, my friends and I would always drop in unannounced on each other. But as I grew older, I stopped that sort of thing. It just doesn’t happen anymore now.
My apologies for repeating a thread - I searched under a couple of phrases and came up with nothing. Could you tell me the thread? I’d like to read it.
Thanks Sam, I read the thread. It seems that most people agree that it’s rude to drop in unless certain circumstances are in place. A few people welcome it. I can’t imagine living as though I’m always ready for company though, my house and person are often a mess so I’d be really embarrassed to have someone stop by when I still haven’t showered mid-afternoon!
I take it you don’t have kids? This woman stopping by unannounced with hers strikes me as an additional imposition too. It’s not like anyone should be expected to be able to provide for their entertainment without notice, so that’s going to be a distraction and inconvenience to whatever she hoped to share with you. All in all not very considerate on her part.
For the record I have a kid and am often pretty gregarious, but I’m completely on your side here. Everyone needs their space, especially if they’ve not indicated otherwise.
And given that people have cell phones, even the “We were in the neighborhood” excuse doesn’t work. You can always call and say, “We’re five minutes away. Is this a good time for a visit?”
When I was growing up, the house always had to look like something out of Better Homes & Gardens “in case someone stops by.” I remember being put to bed as a youngster, and saying, “Nobody stopped by today, did they, Mommy?”
But my parents grew up in small towns in the 1940s, when it was not unusual for people to show up at friends’ or relatives’ houses unannounced. It might be an offshoot of the pre-telephone era.
Growing up as a Navy brat and living among Navy friends, we had a tradition called “greenlighting”, where a few of the friends would occasionally drop by another friend’s house in the middle of the night just to say hi. I remember at least one instance of it happening to us. My folks are still friends with many of these people. Other than these occasional night-time raids, I don’t recall if friends of my parents would just drop by unannounced.
As for me, I don’t get unexpected stop-ins, but if I did, I wouldn’t appreciate it and I completely understand anyone else who doesn’t appreciate it. As an adult, I consider drop-ins without any warning to be really rude and thoughtless (unless we’re talking about neighbors who just need to ask a question or give me some information), especially these days with cell-phones.
I would seriously reconsider a friendship with someone if they just dropped in unannounced. That is beyond the pale rude. Heck, I would do that to family too.
Of course, we’re not home so much that it would probably be pointless for someone to drop by unannounced, but it’s still annoying.
I love unannounced visits. I love doin’ ‘em, I love gettin’ 'em. They’re like non-birthday surprise parties. Very uncommon around these parts, too, which makes it even more fun when they do, in fact, happen.
I love having friends dropping by unannounced!
The only thing that bothers me is if you’re planning to visit me and to stay a night or two without due warning.
There are friends I know I can go visit pretty much at every hours of the day or evening, others I know I can drop by most of the time, and others I can only do it rarely.
It used to be pretty common to just go out for a ride, and possibly drop in on people. And this was, indeed, because most people didn’t have a phone. When I lived in Spain, it was common to go over to someone’s apartment to see if they wanted a visit. The thing was, though, none of us had phones (it was difficult and/or expensive to get a phone in that country at the time). And yeah, the apartment had to look like a magazine illustration at all times, because people might drop by.
IMO, it’s become a lower class custom in the US in the past few decades, especially since cell phones have become so common. How much of an effort is it to give someone a call if you’re in the car and heading that way?
The way I see it, the key line when dropping unannounced, or calling ahead with short warning, is the same as when calling someone unexpectedly on the phone: “is this a good time?”
And as so many other questions, don’t ask it if you’re not willing to accept any possible answers.
But it’s also passive-aggressive to assume that the other person is perfectly willing and able to give you an honest answer, or is even ready to give one right on the spot.
I mean, if a friend calls up and says “I am in the neighborhood and have some time to kill, do you mind if I stop by?”, I am going to feel pretty significant pressure to say “Sure! Come on over!” even if that’s not what I really want. It seems very rude to deny someone hospitality when they’ve asked for it–it goes against something very deep in me.
I mean, I am very reluctant to invite myself over to my sister’s house, let alone a friend’s house. I think it is much, much more polite to call and suggest a neutral location and let them counter-offer with “Why don’t you just stop over here?”.
About the only exception I can think of is my mom’s house, and that’s just because my mom is my mom. But even then I am very aware of the fact that she can’t easily say no to me, and so am circumspect about inviting myself, and pay attention for cues that she might prefer otherwise.
