Hospitality between planning and spontaneity; or, Can friends just casually call and drop by?

In My Humble Opinion
21

It is completely appropriate to drop by.

It also has to be understood that if the potential host says “oh, my - we were just getting ready to head out” that you apologize and leave. And maybe the host was about to head out - or maybe the host had a messy house, or was in the middle of a WoW raid, or just baked chocolate chip cookies and didn’t want you eating them all, or has no food in the house and would feel awkward not having chocolate chip cookies to offer you, or is about to have hot monkey sex, or really doesn’t like you…it isn’t any of your business.

Drop in visits should be kept short (traditional etiquette is fifteen minutes - unless you are pressed to stay). Generally not long enough to need to see if their bathroom is guest clean.

ETA: The other side of this is that potential hosts have to be ready to say “oh, my - we were just about to head out” and have the excuse handy if they don’t want company.

22

In my neighborhood growing up we had the “wreath rule”. Everybody had a small wreath of some sort for their doors, and usually a more elaborate one for the holidays they felt were important. (This also helped you to learn who did/did not want to hear "Happy Christmas . . . or Chanukkah . . . or whatever.)

If one was up and dressed, and open for visits, the wreath went out on the door. (It was not an expectation of a perfect house, just decent enough to be comfortable.) This led to much wrangling between parents and kids “Mom, can I put the wreath out? Jamie might drop by.” “I don’t know, is your room clean enough for company?”

If the wreath was wrapped with black crepe there had been a death in the family. If the wreath was down, the family was having some private time for reasons which were no concern of yours.

It’s a fantastic way of doing things, and so easy to communicate to friends. If your wreath is never up, they need not know that . . . they’ll only know that it was down when they came by.

We also had “at home” days. Usually Sunday afternoons. These were days when we were particularly prepared for company, and our friends knew it was a good time to drop by. If a wreath was down on someone’s “at home” day, you would assume there was an illness or something, and call to see if assistance was needed.

These are quaint old Virginia customs, I know, but I think they really help. In fact, I think I’ll go out and buy a wreath this week. . . whether I’ll ever have the place straight enough to put it up is another matter. . .

23

In my OP I was careful to specify that guests call before coming over, and getting agreement from the host first. I would never countenance just showing up at someone’s door without any warning. I know it was different in the old days, before people had phones, but now that everyone does, we have to use them.

I was really only thinking of good friends, people whose company you really like. I don’t think I’ve had many visits from someone I’m not already close to. If that got out of hand, it would be weird and I would put my foot down. I agree that good friends ought not to impose any pressure to neaten up the house, though I always do so, a little.

My thoughts apply as well to hosts calling up friends to invite them over as to friends inviting themselves. My point was about allowing for spontaneity.

As for food, there are many cultures in the world-- basically all of Asia and the Middle East, for example-- where it’s considered obligatory for the host to offer guests food and drink. Hospitality is taken to an extreme in Arab culture, where if your mortal enemy shows up at your door, you have to take them in and feed them and be nice to them while they’re under your roof (you can kill them outdoors later on). And every guest has the right to be lodged with you for a maximum of three days. This ethic was the product of desert conditions, of course. I’m not suggesting that Americans adopt Middle Eastern ways (please no!), but just noting the diversity in the world as a cultural relativist.

Since I’ve been associating with people from Asian and Middle Eastern cultures for many years, I’ve gotten accustomed to a higher level of hospitality as the norm. It’s a bit of culture shock to adjust to a different norm, but that way I can empathize with people who come here and have to learn to adjust.

Also, as an Italian woman, I grew up feeling that our mission in life is to feed everybody. I love food, I’m always cooking, and I want to share it, which is why I like to have guests over.

24

This. You invite someone to your house, or to a neutral meeting place. They can then offer their own house as an alternative. But inviting yourself to someone’s house seems rude to me.

25

Tru Celt, that sounds absolutely charming.

My mom kept an “open house”, after I was grown and gone. She always had beer, soda, and snacks and never turned anyone away. If she wasn’t feeling like company, she’d just close the front door and people would know not to come.

In the books I’ve read that were set in Victorian times, I’m amazed at the amount of socializing that went on in the middle and upper classes. Not just the amount but all the appurtenances – printed invitations to even “small” dinners, calling cards, butlers and doormen, someone to announce you and take your coat and hat, and if the weather got bad, there were always extra bedrooms. How long did Elizabeth Bennett stay at the neighbors’ house when she came down with pneumonia? A month? Wasn’t her home within walking distance?

I noticed in Drood that it was apparently common for visitors to stay on for weeks, even when they lived in the same city and had homes of their own.

26

Not without calling first. If someone rings my doorbell, they’d better be prepared for me to open the door with a rifle in my hand. I sleep during the day, on most days. Some days I’m awake because I have an appointment. I have a sign that says “No solicitors, no witnesses” on the door. If I’ve ordered something, then yeah, I’ll stay up for the delivery. But my sleeping time is SACRED, and I expect people to call before they come over. I don’t have any phones in my bedroom, so if you get the answering machine, you can assume that I am not receiving visitors.

It’s hard enough for me to get to sleep, and stay asleep. Don’t presume that just because you’re in the neighborhood that I’ll be glad to see you. You ain’t all that.

27

It is completely appropriate to drop by. If you want to make your excuses with a rifle in your hand if I drop by, I have not been the rude one.

(You also do not need to answer the door - that’s fine as well. Being “not home” for company includes just ignoring the doorbell).

28

Not always. I live in a different city than the one I work in and where all my friends live, so any time I ask them if they want to hang out, it’s always assumed it’s at their place.

If you routinely answer the door with a gun in your hand, you have some severe issues.

29

I’m pro-dropping by, but I also have considerate friends. If they do show up, it’s likely to be with a bottle of wine or other good stuff, and if I’m on my way out or otherwise busy, there’s no guilt involved. Same with house condition–if you drop by unexpectedly and its cluttered, well, sorry. It is a bit embarrassing to me, but it’s also a good motivation to generally keep things somewhat tidy.

Usually a call comes first, but even if not, it’s no big deal. I suspect, though, that the closer you are to the droppers-by, and the frequency you see them, makes a big difference. There are friends I know who might drop by any time, and there are friends who I would be shocked to see at my door without knowing six months in advance.

30

Oh, HECK YEAH, drop by! We’d love the company! Anyone who knows us knows it is OK. And that our house is furry, and that they’d better call and see what they should bring. And tell us which dogs they are bringing, so we know if we have to lock up cats.

I found that after moving out here to Outer Burbia, that the accepted “wreath rule” around here is if the garage door is up - if it is up, all neighbors can stop by! Silly me, I was trying to avoid the neighborhood Klepto - a golden retriever who liked to steal gloves from my garage, and mistakenly made people think we were kind of standoffish.

So, Johanna, and others, if you are in the 'hood, stop on by!

31

I tend to like the occasional stray invite to do something. Like, it was my custom until recently for me to have no plans for the weekend because my group and I had an informal system: just wing it. It usually worked out that we all failed to make plans, which I suppose is some kind of plan in and of itself.

That said, I grew up in North Carolina. I now live in Washington (the state). Things here are considerably different than they were in NC. I tend to look at it like insincerity, or perhaps some degree of patronization. In any event, in North Carolina if someone asks, “Say, grab a beer? Or coffee?” it means that they’re going to their office to grab a sweater or a jacket and then they’re ready. I like that as a nice beer after work with people is unexpected and nice to do on occasion.

Here, the same question essentially means that in three weeks after the lunar new year on Chusak with prevailing winds, maybe we’ll have time to get a cup of coffee to go during which time while waiting in line we might have a moment to bitch about how long the line is.

There are a few friends who have a reasonable expectation that if they call up and want to come over, they’ll get to. These people are rare. Of course, they’re also aware that I don’t generally encourage surprise visits so this conduct is kept to a minimum. I think that’s a good friend: they know I like advance warning (one never knows what’s going on in my home what with three children and all) so they’re respectful of that. I am equally respectful of that by frequently setting up parties.

I am, I think, free to call up and drop by their homes with the same, or very similar, set of restrictions. But none of my friends has ever said no, nor can I recall saying no to them. I’m sure it’s happened, but so rarely that it didn’t warrant remembering. I’m not a planner in that regard to obsessive amount, but I, like most other people, have a schedule with some inflexible parts. But if any of my friends called up and asked to come stay the night tomorrow, it’d be game on provided they’d understand that I still have my daily shit to do.

Of course, all of my friends have professions of their own so our times are generally limited to the weekends.

I think the key is to not be too inflexible, but still adequately firm with a friend who takes advantage of that too often.

32

God, that is so weird. I mean, in college dorms, yeah, but I don’t know any grown people who just show up at your house. My boyfriend would be in his underwear (which is so ratty as to be technically freeballing) and the house would be incredibly humiliating. Nobody does that! When we get together spontaneously, we meet somewhere else. We never go to people’s houses without a couple hours warning, at least. Jeez.

33

Oh good. I can’t imagine anyone older than 22 and not living in a dorm/college apartment doing this, so I was more than a little confused by the OP. I’ve never lived anywhere where grown adults would just show up at someone’s house.

34

Wow. I’ve never felt so non-normal on the Dope. I’m entirely opposed to drop-ins of all sorts. I’m of the opinion that inviting yourself over to someone else’s house is the height of rudeness. I definitely want some lead time for having people over - even my kids’ friends. If I called someone to see if they wanted to hang out, the invitation would be to my house or to a third location, definitely NOT their house. Also, I think the general rules of hospitality would make me feel very uncomfortable saying no to someone who asked if they could come over. I could definitely turn down an invitation to go to someone else’s house, but I would have difficulty saying no if someone invited themselves to my house.

The one exception I could think of is if I lived in the same general area as my parents. I think I would be OK with it if my mom or dad called and asked if they could stop by. Frantic cleaning would occur, but I wouldn’t be offended or anything.

35

I honestly can’t conceive of dropping by/having someone drop by with not notice. I just can’t. And if you come to my place, I’ll have you in (but think it is weird) if you insist, but I’d prefer to go somewhere else to hang out.

36

Oh, yeah, my parents come by, but they call me as they’re leaving their house or whatever. They don’t want to see us naked either.

Rules are different for kids - when I was a kid, you’d knock on your friends’ door at any time of reasonable day (not during the dinner hour, of course) and ask if they wanted to go ride bikes. That’s totally normal.

37

I can’t even imagine not calling before coming over. We don’t have kids, but my husband and I often work long hours during the week, and we’re either out of town, digging in the garden, working, or out doing something on weekends. Your chances of even finding us home if you dropped in wouldn’t be huge, and your chances of finding us in a messy house with no food in it are almost 100% (we deliberately don’t keep snacks around unless we’re having company). Also, everyone’s got a phone now, so it’s not like you can’t call. So, I can’t think of a possible reason not to call unless you wanted to catch us in a giant mess, so it seems incredibly rude. It makes me feel a little panicky just thinking about it.

My mother would call before she came over, even if they didn’t live three hours away. One time my father’s parents just showed up at the door without calling (they lived six hours from my parents at the time) on my mother’s birthday, when she was sick, her parents were visiting (and helping out)and were surprised that she wasn’t ready to feed them. It was one of the larger family fights I’ve witnessed.

38

Too funny. I’m 39 with 3 kids :slight_smile:

One of the key things to remember about all social interactions is that the core principle ought to be “don’t cause massive inconvenience to your friends”. So in my case, my single and/or non-child-having friends know very well that it’s vastly easier for me to put on the kettle and find the biscuit jar than it is to wrangle two preschoolers and possibly a five-year-old into the car, wrangle them out and spend the entire visit in hawk-eyed watching of the baby in case he finds something SHINY! that he shouldn’t have. So it’s not at all rude of those people to assume that social interactions are going to be at my place. On the other hand, I also have friends that don’t drive - so social interactions with them are going to be at their place because I don’t want to cause them the hassle of an hour fighting with bus timetables and possibly getting rained on.

Among fellow-preschooler-parents it’s a bit more nuanced - there are “going out parents” who must leave the house each day to go somewhere or they go stark mad from cabin fever (that’s me) and there’s “staying in parents” who need to gather up their energy in order to brave the outside, and whose ideal day involves never getting out of their jamas (that’s the spouse). If I know that someone’s a “staying in” type then I’d consider it more polite to ask if I can drop round than to invite them over here, because it’s less hassle for them. I hope most of my friends are well aware that we’re pretty much used to constant mess and nobody need be in the slightest fear of my judgment of their housekeeping skills (least I implode in a giant mass of hypocrisy)

I don’t remember the last time I would have actually dropped in to somebody’s place without at least a phone call in advance - apart from any other factors, none of my friends live in places we would be “just passing”, so naturally I’d want to know that they’re actually there before going out of my way. But probably once every couple of months somebody would jsut turn up on the doorstep here, and it’s fine. I like it!

39

With modern technology, I’d be a little irked if someone just showed up without even texting or something. And I’m a total social creature, I love hanging out and my house is open to guests.

My friends and I regularly do the whole “What’s up? Wanna hang out?” thing that involves a quick text exchange, then getting together 5 minutes later. It just makes sense.

40

Heh, Texas guy here. This is me. Hell, some of my closer friends don’t even bother knocking on the door. They just come right on in. My friends and I like to drink. Usually when we’re together, a little bit too much. It’s always just assumed, when this happens, that they’ll be sleeping over that night. No need to ask.

Also, this concept that I need to have snacks ready for unexpected visitors is a foreign one to me.

Also, if you brought beer with you; you better have enough for me too!! :smiley: