It’s completely inappropriate to drop by without calling me first. For all I know, someone is knocking on my door because they’re casing the place (given my neighborhood, this is not out of the question). Everyone who knows me even casually knows that I sleep during the day, and if I’ve had a daytime appointment, then I’ll be asleep in the afternoon/evening. Tell you what, I’ll knock on YOUR door at 2 AM sometime, without calling. I know you’re home, so I’ll just keep knocking until you show up at the door to tell me to go away. That’s when it’s convenient for ME to socialize. In fact, as I type, I notice that it’s about 2:30.
If someone knocks on my door, I assume that it’s a delivery or the electric company wanting me to restrain my dogs so they can work in the back yard or something, and I need to get up. I especially need to get up if they’re casing the place (and yes, it has happened a couple of times). Once I’m awake, it’s hard for me to get back to sleep. It’s damn rude to assume that your acquaintances will be happy to see you any time, and love having people drop in, unless this has been discussed beforehand. Not everyone works the same shift, not everyone has the same visiting preferences, and not everyone is delighted to have unexpected company.
I might be a little upset by them dropping by un-announced but it isn’t friendship ending. However, it isn’t socially acceptable where I come from. At least a bit of a call. My wife’s parents have surprised us with nothing but a 30 min call and that is annoying.
I’m in the “as long as you call and get my permission” camp. The idea that it is rude to ask someone if if you mind if they come over is silly, unless you’ve established that already. It boggles my mind that people don’t realize that being rude requires the other party to have not taken your feelings into account, or to have done so, but to deliberately ignore that.
If I call you on the phone and ask if I can come over, I am considering your feelings, because I am giving you a chance to say no and to even say that you ordinarily don’t like people to do that (as I’m sure that subject doesn’t come up in normal conversation.) If you find it rude when somebody merely asks you a question, then I don’t see how you can make it through daily life.
“How rude is that! I can’t believe that guy had the audacity to ask me for my name! That’s private information.”
I could even see the reply: “How rude is it that you decided to tell me something I even didn’t ask for!” or even, “It rude is it for you to use the word how.”
IOW, it all boils down to this: you can’t expect people to know what you consider rude unless you tell them. Why assume the negative?
The point he was making was that brandishing a rifle at someone is more rude than showing up at your door unannounced. Because someone holding a rifle is more likely to do damage. I can’t think of any time a direct threat is more polite than waking somebody up.
In your neighborhood, pointing a gun at someone may be the norm, but surely you know that that is not universally the case. You’ve been a member for a long time, so you know how badly some people react towards guns. While Dangerosa could be seen as somewhat rude for being so flippant in explaining how (s)he finds guns rude, I see reason to assume that your response is more conductive to escalating that rudeness, not resolving it.
Everyone who knows me knows that they will be waking me up if they knock unless they’ve called first and found out that I’m up when the sun is. How many times do I have to say it? I normally sleep during the day. If someone comes by without calling first, there is an 85% chance that they will be waking me out of a sound slumber. This neighborhood has had strings of burglaries, and I am convinced that our house hasn’t been hit because for a while there, I answered the door with one of my husband’s rifles or shotguns in my hands (not pointed at anyone). I think that deliberately waking someone up, unnecessarily, is quite possibly THE rudest thing a person can do. Everyone who knows me knows that I sleep during the day (because apparently nobody considers this part of the situation). If someone who knows me knocks on my door without calling first, they KNOW that they’re gonna wake me up! And frankly, if a magazine salesman has ignored my “No Solicitors” sign on my door, I think he deserves a bit of a fright.
I have made my position about drop ins very, very clear. However, there are people who insist on knocking on my door, and waking me up, because I “should” be awake in the daytime. I had a neighbor who would knock on my door at 8:30, because she didn’t like the way we kept our yard. I’d explain to her that I slept in the daytime. She kept doing this until I started answering the door with a shotgun/rifle (I don’t really know how to tell the difference, and I never point it at anyone). Similarly, I was bothered by missionaries from the church that’s two houses down from my house. It didn’t matter that I had a sign on my door telling them that they were unwelcome. It certainly didn’t seem to bother the women when I explained that they were waking me up (and one woman seemed to come around every couple of weeks). Sometimes, answering the door with a gun in my hand seems to get the point across when signs and calm, polite verbal explanations make no difference in people’s behavior.
Seriously, though, even if I answer the door without a gun in my hand…do you really and truly believe that it is polite/acceptable to drop by someone’s house, when that someone has told you that she doesn’t like drop ins? And that she sleeps during the day? If a person persists in dropping by when I have told him/her that I don’t welcome them, and don’t enjoy them dropping by, what else am I supposed to do?
I used to live across the street from my best friend, and even then we’d at least text each other before barging over. I usually don’t mind friends coming over whenever, but at least 10 minutes warning please.
The concept of having to even call first is strange to me. It is appreciated, but I have no problem if friends turn up unannounced. If they find untidy, so be it. There will always be some snacks available- maybe not pheasant under glass, but enough to get by.
I’m a ‘drop in on me at any time’ person, but equally, I’m a person who will say, ‘Sorry, now is not a good time, could you come over some other time?’ I don’t feel obliged to give a reason and my friends are good enough not to ask me for one. We all understand that sometimes people just don’t feel like having company around, and that’s okay.
I certainly don’t worry about the state of the house (are they coming to see me or my lovely home?), and if my friends are expecting to be fed, then they’ll bring some food to contribute to the meal with them. Sometimes, if I already have a dinner planned and only have enough for two, I’ll ask them to eat first then come on over.
So it works well in my circle of friends, because we’re all on the same level of understanding about what it means to drop in on someone and what to expect.
My friends take it for granted that they can call at the house any time they want to. They know what kind of state the place is usually in and they’re prepared to accept it. Nothing short of napalm is going to make the place look any better at them moment (I live with a packrat) so they are used to it. Alternatively, they can call and invite me round, or we arrange to meet somewhere else for tea and cakes.
We’ve had this discussion before. I have always made it very clear to my friends that I despise drop-ins. My house is not open to the public! Different strokes, of course. On the other hand I would no sooner dream of dropping by someone else’s house than stealing something from their house.
I remember back when I was a teen I heard a so-called “horror” story. An acquaintance, whose brother was somewhat estranged from the family, drove three hours to see her brother without telling him - and he didn’t invite her in. Everyone was all agog about the HORROR, and I kept thinking - well, it was rude of him not even to let her in for a minute, but - did she call? Did she tell him? For all she knows he’s got three naked chicks in his bed that he doesn’t feel like having her report back to their parents.
That is another problem by the way. “Drop-ins” are friendly, egregious people, which is fine, but they are like that with everybody, and I often find them “reporting” what they saw in my house to the next person they visit. I don’t like this one bit.
Apparently, this topic is as controversial as whether to wear shoes indoors or not.
Prior to having a child, I didn’t care whether friends dropped in or not, provided they called to make sure we were home. The public areas of the house were usually presentable, except for when we were having work done, which I did show to some friends. That said, I won’t show up at one friend’s place without giving at least a half hour of notice if not more. With other friends, I don’t show up without days of notice.
Now that we have a baby, the answer has changed somewhat. It isn’t uncommon for there to be toys on the floor and furniture moved to create an informal baby gate.
It is, except that the “if” comes after the “drop by and hang out” bit, with a comma in between; I read it the way Qadgop did. Not that it matters.
Although, in a situation where someone calls right before the come over, I’m still not really okay with less than 24-48 hours notice, preferably longer.
You can tell them you don’t want them to come over?
Kidding.
We used to have a doormat that said, “Oh no! Not You Again!”
We have two friends who have keys to our place, and we very rarely have pre-planned and invited company. Dinner parties make me nervous, people dropping by and raiding the fridge and insisting we make cookies and lemonade don’t. We do like it if they call first, but we’re homebodies, and likely to be around, and generally like relaxed company. If we’re tired or busy we’ll just say.
Our house is always in various states of toddler-mandated chaos, but any of our friends who would call and ask if they could come over (about ten or fifteen people that I can think of regularly do it) wouldn’t mind, and all of them would either help with the dishes/cooking/toddler minding/possibly other chores.
It’s more like having a loose extended family, except we got to pick them.
I’d clean for my MiL or people I didn’t know well.
My friends and I tend to be more on the dropping-in side. My best friend has several small children, so I usually call, but usually without much notice (“Hey, I’m at S-mart by your house, whatcha doing?”) and if she’s otherwise occupied she’ll make excuses and offer an alternative time tomorrow or next week that’s more convenient for her. But usually, she’ll tell me to stop by and we’ll chat and I’ll help her juggle babies and often I’ll stay to have a few beers when the kids are down for the night. That’s what happened yesterday- I helped cuddle fussy babies and then went with her to the grocery store, then we had a rum and coke and watched a soccer game. Conversely, she’ll call when she’s down the street to see if we can get together on those rare occasions she’s out of the house and baby-free.
We have keys to each other’s houses, so it’s understood that dropping in without much notice is ok.
My childless friends are even easier, no phone call required, although I generally do anyway to make sure they’re home. And if anyone were to stop by, I’d just grab the dirty laundry off the bathroom floor and apologize for the mess, and they’d laugh because my house when dirty is often cleaner than theirs.
To me, being a host (i.e., having people visit your house) means that you are expected to cater to your guests to some degree. If you have people over, that means you must offer them something to eat and drink and make sure that they are comfortable. If friends are over, you do not engage in solitary activities, like surfing the net, reading, etc. Guests’ preferences are taken into account for whatever it is that you’re going to do. Your guest doesn’t like to play cards? Then playing cards is off the list of potential activities. Etc. For me, inviting yourself over means asking to be catered to, which is rude. Just asking to come over means that you’ve put yourself in the role of guest, which means that the potential host now has something of an obligation to make you comfortable. I would need to have a rock solid reason to say no if someone asked to be my guest. As in, actual plans to leave the house - not just plans for locking myself in my room to read a good book.
Obviously, people here are working under different cultural assumptions about what it means to host people. That’s what it means to me. Equally obviously, none of these practices are purely rational - they’re all ‘silly.’