I’m happy to have friends drop in for most any reason as long as I’m given about a half hour to get ready. The house will probably still be in complete disarray and my son may be running around half naked, but I will have had the chance to put some of the more disgusting evidence of our sloppiness away.
Still, if you are going to drop by someone else’s house with very little notice, I think it’s only good manners to at least call and offer to bring something by or just pick up a bottle of something and a snack on your way. It’s unforgivably rude to just show up expecting someone to entertain you when you’ve given them very little notice (or worse, no notice).
My son’s schedule keeps him (and therefore me) sane, plus I work so that doesn’t leave much room for me to just drop everything to entertain someone, so whoever would drop by would have to understand that they may be hanging out with me while I’m up to my elbows in bathwater or might see a kid streaking by with my husband chasing after him.
Edited to add that I think it’s extremely important you know the person you’re dropping in on and their preferences. If you suspect there may be a remote possibility that the other person won’t be ok with a surprise visit or don’t know one way or the other, don’t do it.
I’m of the non-dropby school, and even more so now that we have three boys and our house is always a mess. We really like to have guests over, but it means almost a day of cleaning and cooking, usually (yes, my wife and I are just that way). If a friend wants to see me on short notice, far better I meet him or her at court, a restaurant, coffeeshop or bar. Or maybe a walk around the neighborhood.
I’m in my 30s, but I’m single and live alone. My circle of friends is very casual about dropping in. I happen to live right on the main street of town, and I’d say I get friends just popping up at the door at least twice a week because they happened to be driving by. If I’m not in the mood for company, I have no problem saying so. We all know that we’d better bring our own beer or bottle if we want something stronger than tap water at someone else’s house.
Now, most of the time I’ll get a quick phone call (“Put on pants, I’m coming over.”), since everybody has cell phones and it’s easy to do, but either way I just throw a quilt on the bed, make sure the coffee table is cleared off and any dishes are piled neatly in the sink, and anybody who wants it cleaner than that can pretty well fuck off. (Since most of my friends are in the punk or skin scene, a certain level of messiness is overlooked with ease.)
Those of my friends with little kids do get more warning than the rest of us, though. We may be casual, but we’re not complete heathens.
I love entertaining, and I’m happy to have friends over on short notice, as long as there’s some notice. That said…
My boyfriend’s best friend has a habit of dropping by sometimes. He lives about a 90-minute drive from us, so when he’s in area, he’ll often stop by. For him, “calling ahead” often means letting us know he’s on his way or is parked out front. I don’t mind, for the most part, and he’s better about giving us advanced notice than he used to be. The only time it’s really obnoxious is when he tries to stop by on a Friday night. Friday evenings are reserved as alone-time for my boyfriend and I, and while we’re happy to occasionally accommodate a friend or event, we are not willing to give up our us-night when he calls at 8:00 asking if he can come by in a couple hours. What’s frustrating is that he’s been told, multiple times, that Fridays are reserved unless he asks in advance, but he still asked and then got pissy when my boyfriend told him he couldn’t come over.
Call us with 15 minutes notice, and come on over. The front door might be propped open, as I hide the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, so ring the bell let yourself in.
We keep a dorm fridge full of beverages. Usually you can find a beer, but that’s not guaranteed. You know where the beverage fridge is, help yourself. There may not be chips or snacks in the house, but if it’s near meal time, we can feed 10 at any given time, with what’s in the freezer and the pantry.
It’s unusual for a week to pass without some sort of short notice get together, among our group of close friends.
As a matter of fact, yes. I was told that my way of loading silverware into the dishwasher was incorrect, that I should pretreat the grease stains on my husband’s clothes, and generally that I shouldn’t do anything until I’ve cleaned the house top to bottom every morning. At the time, I was working over forty hours a week, and my husband was employed, but it was fair-weather work, and so instead of looking for another job, he’d sit at home and watch TV all day. Of course, HE wasn’t expected to do housework, he’s a man, after all. I was also bitched out because I hadn’t made my husband a birthday cake, so that his parents could come over and have a couple of slices. I was on a diet, and my husband doesn’t like a lot of sweet stuff. He would much rather have ONE slice of lemon cream pie, which I got for him, and he ate with much appreciation. His parents knew that he didn’t like much in the way of pastries, but I was a horrid hostess because I hadn’t made him a cake. They were expecting that cake to be there when they showed up. Oh, and no, they didn’t bring him a present or a card, or even wish him a happy birthday before demanding some cake, and wanting ice cream with it, too.
Other times when they dropped in because they were in the neighborhood, they wanted to know what we had to eat, or if dinner would be ready soon. And no, they never brought any food to share.
I think she was talking about her in-laws. Lynn, those sound like some craptastic in-laws. If I had people like that trying to drop by, I wouldn’t welcome them, either.
I think your in-laws must be related to my father-in-law. Every time he’s in town, it’s “Overly, I need a sandwich.” “Overly, you’re out of bread. Why don’t you go to the supermarket?” “Can I have some coffee now?” “Why do you have cats? I’m allergic.” Thank God the man lives in India so I don’t have to see him often.
On the upside, my husband hadn’t realized this was going on and once he did, he asked his dad to knock it off. Of course, his dad didn’t, but it was nice to have my husband at least notice (he’s a tad clueless).
I’m all for having friends and family stop by, but most who do are at least self-sufficient. Oh, and I totally sympathize with the woman = totally responsible for everyone’s messes, even other adults’. My dad is from that school of thought. Every time he visits, even if my husband were to drop a towel on my dad’s shoe and walk away, I’d be responsible for picking it up…in my father’s eyes, of course. My husband is smarter than that.
Those are just shitty in laws and I don’t think it’s even remotely fair to compare them to friends who stop by. Yeah, your mother in law is a bitch who criticizes you, that’s not totally unheard of in the world, sadly.
Now, do your friends who come over also critique your silverware placement? Demand food? Act like total cunts? If so, why are you friends with them? It seems easier to not be friends with people like this than to meet them at the door with a gun.
Like others have said, most people have a good rapport with their friends and there is an on going mutual understanding as to what is to be expected. Family, family is a whole nother ball of stupid that can’t really be lumped in.
I am a dropper-inner and built a lovely circle of dropper-inner friends during my adult life (yes, even after I had kids. Possibly more so after I had kids, really). The rule was always that if you care what my house looks like/whether I drop everything to talk to you/whether I have anything to feed you, then you have to call first. Otherwise, door’s open, set a spell, shell these peas for me, would you?
Then I immigrated.
Happily for me, I moved to a part of Holland noted for its hospitality. This is however hospitality within the cultural boundaries, which means we Do Not just drop in. Though it should be said that older Dutch women sometimes maintain the practice of being at home to their friends for coffee after 10 am and before about 11:30; my contemporaries do not.
My own tendency to tell people to just drop in or to invite them to come along to the house when I run into them in the street is graciously forgiven as 1) it is well known that Foreigners Can be Like That; and 2) I never, ever, ever drop in on any Dutch guys. I only invite them to drop in on me.
With most of my other immigrant friends, things are much, much looser. This is a regular topic of discussion amoung immigrants, actually, as to many of them it seems very odd.
However, I think the advent of cell phones and texting has pretty much put paid to people dropping by on no notice.
I don’t welcome people who drop in, whether they are related to me or not. My friends know that I sleep during the day, and are happy to communicate with me by email, and we set up times to meet. I’m happy to meet with friends, or have them over, provided that I get some advance warning. Even if I slept during the night, I don’t like surprises, and I would want someone to call before coming over.
I have inflammatory bowel disease. If I go out, or have people over, I need to have at least a day’s advance warning, so that I can take Pepto or Imodium. Otherwise, it’s entirely possible that I will have uncontrollable violently explosive diarrhea. I don’t want to have this while I have company, or when I’m out running around. This is a whole separate issue from the fact that I sleep during the day, it’s just another reason why I want some advance warning before someone comes over.
If you and your friends are all happy with just dropping by, that’s fine with me if you want to continue this custom among yourselves. I am not happy with people dropping by without so much as a phone call, and I’d probably quit being friends with someone who ignored my wishes, just as I’d drop someone who ignored my other important preferences.
They were my husband’s parents. They’re dead now, and I am only saddened by their death because my husband is saddened. Otherwise, I’d have done a Happy Dance when I heard the news. They were never my friends, but I did have to socialize with them. They were, after all, my daughter’s grandparents.
My mom used to have a friend that would stop by on a moment’s notice. But we didn’t care much if she saw us right after we’d waken up with crazy hair or anything, my mom has known her since they were kids. Our family never really just drops by, and if my family all wants to hang out we usually don’t do it here because my family is huge and our house is not (it’s not small really either but we do not have a finished basement or comfortable backyard area - it’s too hot and we don’t sit out there, and they all can’t fit in the living room and kitchen). But our house is always freakishly clean so that would not matter. We don’t always have enough food or booze for company, but it’s more likely we do in the summer.
My friends and I always call each other before we go to each other’s houses. I would never just show up to even my best friend’s house unless I had to, because it’s likely they are not home/asleep/busy etc. We bring our own beer but often ravage each other’s pantries and whatnot.
When I was a kid, we’d regularly - like once a week or more - pop over to my godparents’ house for a visit in the evening. Other neighbors would stop by too. It was just what we did.
Now I live in the suburbs in a townhouse with 6 units, and even when my husband and I are sitting out on the patio, our neighbors won’t stop to have a conversation beyond “Hey, how’s it going?” If we’re sitting in the front yard, yes, I’d be fine with getting to know the neighbors a bit. But there’s a definite standoff-ish/really private attitude around here.
We’ve only been here 3 years, but we haven’t managed to get past the need-three-weeks-to-plan-to-have-dinner stage yet. I’d love to have friends who call/text and say “Hey, what’re you doing? Wanna get together?” but we haven’t met anyone like that yet. I’d really love to have Lissla’s friends since that’s exactly how I like to entertain - no plans, just (yes, call ahead and) get together, eat, talk, laugh, maybe watch a movie, whatever. Right now it seems like we always have to have a reason to invite someone over, we’re not close enough friends with anyone to have just an expectation of getting together on a regular basis, which makes me sad.
We don’t entertain much at home. If we want to hang out with somebody, it will usually be at a coffee shop or some other public place, so we don’t have to clean. We also try not to keep snacks in the house- Mr. Neville and I are both overweight, and I shudder to think how much more overweight we’d be if we did have easy access to snack foods. If I had candy dishes in the living room, like my mom used to do, I know I’d probably end up eating everything in them over the course of a few days.
