Market inappropriate gift sets, such as the complete works of Sylvia Plath with a pair of oven mitts.
Find out when the door-to-door evangelists are going to be coming to your neighbourhood. Arrange to meet them at the door wearing a pair of chaps, leather briefs, a studded harness, a biker cap, and a bead-chain whip.
Alternatively, come to the door dressed in full Goth. When they say that they would like to discuss your faith, intone, “I’m sorry, milady Hecate won’t allow me to discuss such matters.”
Alternatively, if they are Mormons, whose groups generally include one cute young one, cruise him. Try to find out if the thing about the underwear is true. (Side note: I don’t see how any garment that would prevent “sexual impurity” wouldn’t also make it impossible to pee.)
Build a nudist colony next door to a nunnery. If they complain, invite them to join you. Be sure to use the word “frolic” when pitching the idea.
Write the Nobel Peace Prize committee. Argue that you ought to be awarded the Prize on the grounds that Henry Kissinger got it and you haven’t even destroyed any small Asian countries.
Get yellow food colouring. Spread it on clean snow. Call your friends over. Eat some. Go “yum”.
Lock Pat Buchanan and Michelangelo Signorile in a small room together for two weeks.
Call the government. Inform them that unless they send you several billion dollars, you will travel to Vegreville, Alberta, and blow up the world’s largest pysanka easter egg.
Take over Madagascar. No one will miss it, it’s just Madagascar. If someone complains, tell him to write to the complaints department of Heathrow Airport. Getting through that morass of delays will delay him until the world domination is complete.
Train all of Madagascar’s lemurs, monkeys, and fruit bats to perform tasks.
Fruit bats: Carry explosives. They fly around, land on people’s heads, and blow them up. It kills them fairly effectively. As an added bonus, you get to laugh at people running around shrieking with a bat clamped on their heads.
Monkeys: Flamethrowers. Enough said.
Lemurs: You’ll have to genetically alter them first, and in two ways. 1) give them venom and train them to bite people. 2) Give the little bastards some depth perception. They live in trees, you think they’d have gotten it by now!
Call all the governments of Africa. Threaten to release your hordes of vicious lemurs, monkeys, and fruitbats unless they give you control. It’s nice and close so shipping isn’t a problem. If they capitulate, great, you have their armies and such. If not, start with South Africa and conquer your way north.
Once you have Africa, call Asia. Threaten to export all the AIDs victims there. If they give in, great, you have both the larges continent AND the largest population. If not, Start with Indonesia and, again, go north.
Once you have Asia, you’re really on a roll. First, get all the excess men. The ratio of men to women is about 9 to 1, I think. So just set up loudspeakers that say (in the appropriate language) “Free women here”. Just grab 'em and bag 'em. Then put the brains of your monkeys in their bodies, and give them bigger flamethrowers. For laughs, put the brains of the men in the bodies of the monkeys, and make them fight.
Now take Europe. Don’t even bother to ask. Once you have it, for God’s sake, move everyone out of the Balkans! Just send them over to the US to foment discord. They all hate eachother, so the US should be in a state of civil war in a matter of days. Especially New York and California.
While your Balkan subversion tactics are maturing, make some more special forces. Use the people of finland to make aquatic forces (get it? Fins?). The Germans have to become cyborgs (you know, they’re heaven’s mechanics, and hell’s police). The English become assassins (great with poisons, just go to a restaurant there). The Irish? Just tell them that the Americans want to colonize Ireland. The scotts? Hell, just get 'em drunk, same with the Welsh. Norway and the like? Just get 'em back to their viking roots, they’ll love it. Spain? Well, they can’t be the navy, just leave 'em be. Portugal, now that’s useful. Small place that colonized a lot, they have friends in South America, use them to establish contact with the drug lords. Use Eastern Europe for factories to build your spaceships.
Now, ignoring North America, take over South America, the drug lords will help if you promise to let them be governors. Real simple, conscript more forces and take over the US.
The US is going to be a festering pool of discord and civil war, what with your having sent them the Balkans. Don’t worry, just tell them a whole lot of things, make promises. You don’t have to worry about keeping them. They don’t expect you to, though they WILL complain. To keep their politicians in line, just send lots of young women.
You don’t really need to worry about Canada, just put stuff in the beer, and relase chemicals at hockey games and they’ll be your slaves in a month.
There, you’ve got everything but Australia. How do you get Australia? Not a problem, just go there take over, by now you’ve got the rest of the world. Who cares if they don’t like it?
The spaceships are important for taking over Mars and Venus. After you colonize the moon, hollow it out, and make it a nuclear bomb to threaten to blow up the Sun with.