If the woman also gambled and stole from the man, and brought the man so much anxiety they were fearful and having trouble making decisions due to the amount of anxiety? If they were still sharing a house, so the stress and tension was only building? If the physical conflict stopped at a shove? Yes, I would not castigate the man. (YES, that is WRONG, whether it is a male or female doing the shoving. But harping on it is not going to help end the situation, especially since the shover has expressed remorse already.) I would work to get him to see he needed to pack up and go, (before the next argument, where things might escalate even more) and also go get some counseling to make sense of what happened and to learn not to be manipulated like that again. (Others have also said the guy in the OP was manipulating the OP. Making her dance to his tune.) To learn to spot the red flags sooner so they can turn away sooner. In order to learn, grow, heal, a person has to believe they can do so, and that starts with forgiving oneself for making mistakes.
She admits she did wrong, and she regrets it. She already wants to do better than she did. Don’t brand her indelibly as a bad person. She’s asking for input, give her good input so she can learn and grow and not do that again.
I have more remorse for that shove then I can even explain. I have never done been physically aggressive to anyone in my life. I have considered sending him an email apologizing, but somehow I am scared of doing that. I feel afraid of contacting him for any reason.
I live in an area that is very rural. There are not many apartments or houses here. My daughter and I have talked about getting a one bedroom or a studio, but there are very few available. I haven’t even seen one posted. I did see a room for rent, but it was $200.00 per week. The house I looked at yesterday was $650.00 a month. I am not necessarily looking for a house or an apartment, I am only looking for something I can afford.
But, like I said things here are limited. In the local paper today that are only 4 apartments for rent and 6 houses for rent. No trailers, cabins or rooms.
If he did not came back or if I could keep him away, I could afford to stay here, but it would be tight. Not impossible. I honestly wish that is what he would do. But, it’s unlikely. The only reason we ended up here is that it is close to his firehouse and that was very important to him. He has made it very clear that he will not leave, he wants me out.
I just want to find a place where I can feel secure and to heal from all of this and rebuild my life.
Whose apartment was it? Dd you move in with him, or did you move in together?
If you moved in there together, was that before he turned out to be a drug addict and force you to break up with him? Because if that is the case, I would say he forfeitted the moral right to want you gone out of the apartment. Besides, if he has a gambling problem, he is far less likely to be able to afford the rent on his own, then you are. Ask him. (Grow a pair and call him, you are only creating more drama. Just call him, discuss what needs to be discussed as businesslike as you can). Worst case, you both lose the apartment. Medium case, you move in that old ladies house. Best case (and I would aim for that, if I were you) you and your daughter stay in the apartment. (and if you can’'t afford that, try and find a (female) paying roomie).
We signed the lease together for this place before I was aware of the gambling addiction. I have been paying the rent here since June when I found out about it, without help from him. We lived together before that and I had been told that we needed to move because the house had been sold. I later discovered that he had bounced the rent check and had fallen 4 months behind. I was not on the lease there, but I did contribute and give him half of the bills.
Once we moved here, I told had told him that because my name was on the lease, I wanted to be more involved in the bills here. It was soon after that, that the gambling issue was clear.
In that case, you have the moral right als wel as (I think, but I’'m not a lawyer) the legal right to stay there. Try and aim for that first.
So:
Take a deep breath and calm down.
Go through you checkbooks and leases to get an idea of the legal and finacial situation you’'re in. If that is too difficult or confronting, skip this step for now. But call a womans shelter, and ask them for somebody to come and help you with this step.
Call your ex, or text him. Say that due to him probably not having enough funds to cover the rent, and because you want your daughter to have a stable situation, you are going to take steps to stay in the apartment. Tell him you will pack up his stuff, and put it near a mutual friend, or he can come and get it at a moment you will both agree on. If there is some stuff he says is his, and you haven’t packed it up, you can talk about that at some later point along with a talk about the other stuff that needs to be arranged.
Call the landlord, explain the situation, tell him you paid the rent the last months and that you want to come to an agreement where you (and your daughter, because of her school) will stay in the apartment. Ask him if he will consider this and come back to you with the paperwok to arrange it.
All of my breakups—whether amicable or full of screaming—were immediately followed by us turning and walking in opposite directions, so it’s tough to relate to “we’re breaking up because I don’t love you anymore. Now quit hogging the covers.”
I went to speak with my landlords tonight, just to tell them that I was looking for another place to live and they asked me why. I explained that we had broken up and I had been asked by my ex to leave.
As I stated earlier, they have been friends with him for a very long time and they asked me if it was due to the gambling. Evidently, there have been problems in the past, a reputation in the community, with him that I had not been aware of, but they were. They told me that the only reason that they had even agreed to rent the house to us was because I was signing the lease as well and they felt that I was the responsible one. They had previously decided when they heard about the break, they would rather have me stay on them him. And tomorrow, they will try to contact him and tell him, they will then change the locks and he will have to arrange a time with when I am here to come and get his belongings.
Important! Arrange to have as nuetral a person as you can there as well when he comes to pick up his stuff. You need some kind of buffer in place. I hope this gets resolved as peacefully as possible!
Very good! I totally agree about having a neutral party there when he collects his stuff, to keep things as calm as possible. Do make sure every single thing that belongs to him gets rounded up; you want to make this a clean break so that you can turn your attention to pulling your life together and building a sense of stability for yourself and your daughter.
I hope all this is behind you soon. Take care of you!
That’s amazing that you live in a state that allows a landlord to lock out a tenant without court proceedings. I thought self-help evictions were illegal in the USA. Or aren’t you in the USA?
Doesn’t much matter if it’s *legal *or not if drunken gambling ex doesn’t have the wherewithal or the knowledge to file a claim against it happening, or to sue them after the fact.
They are aware that they may need to go through the legal channels. But, he was supposed to pay the rent on the 1st. He told me that he did. But the landlords showed me that he sent them a text saying that he he wanted to pay them next week. So he is already in default.
Presumably though the ex-bf is intending to change the terms of the lease and assume the whole lease himself. Which the landlord can say no to, correct?
From what I have read, and please correct me if I am wrong:
Boyfriend wants to keep place for himself, but no mention has been made of boyfriend having the locks changed and locking her, the other legal tenant out. See the difference? He’s not planning a self-help eviction.
Both boyfriend and girlfriend are on lease together, which probably means they are jointly and severally liable for the rent. So if one of them moves out, the other one is still on the hook for the rent unless they work out who stays and who goes between themselves along WITH the deposit, and get the landlord to sign off. The landlord can’t just kick a legal tenant out or off the lease.
Boyfriend wants to stay, she needs to go for her own sake. What if he uses the fact that she assaulted him as a trump card? She shot herself in the foot with that one. You know the police can arrest her and prevent her from returning to the home, right? Then what’s her plan? Is keeping a place she can’t really afford worth that chance?
She needs to cut her losses, get off the lease and leave instead of finding one more thing to tie herself to this man and one more thing to argue about. The OP hasn’t even been able to figure out how to put a pillow and blanket on the floor or the couch so she and her ex don’t have to share a bed, and you think she really wants him to leave? Wake up.
The landlord is free to say “I’ll let you both out of the lease because I don’t want any of this drama”, which is probably what they should do.
Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t anyone else impressed that she was able to shove him to the ground? I mean I know it’s bad and all, but she’s a girl.
Anyways, listen to what the others have said. Just go somewhere, a shelter if you have to, and you’ll be able to calm down, think more clearly, and move on with your life. If you see this guy daily, you will only be filled with rage which will most likely lead to more bad decisions and put yourself in a deeper hole.
People keep squawking about this, but come on. She’s not going to be charged with assault for pushing her boyfriend to the ground in a moment of anger one time. It was a shitty thing to do, and she shouldn’t have lost control, but let’s be realistic. If the guy even reports it, and the police even believe him (which are two huge leaps in themselves), they’re not going to press charges or file a restraining order based on hearsay of a single physical confrontation that didn’t involve fists, teeth, stairs, weapons, drugs, or sexual abuse.
This doesn’t make what the OP did right, but this is what would happen. Unless he has video evidence of the confrontation *and *the videotaped conflict appears egregious or systematic on her part, the cops are not going to get involved. So please, can we stop moralizing about it already? OP admitted she was wrong. Boom, next topic.