More Heartbreak-Venting! I'm at a loss

Hey all, just needing to talk to someone and get this all out. If anyone remembers from my last thread I got dumped by my fiance who had a gambling problem. And we still live together.

I am working frantically to find another place to live. But I have found out some more things that have me disturbed and hurt.

I discovered that he had a secret email address and that he has been on dating sites. He also had told a friend of his that he was “hoping for a piece of ass” on Friday. He did not returned home until late last night and I confronted him on all of this.

It got bad. I completely lost my temper. I said some very horrible and hateful things to him. I got so mad that I shoved him to the ground. I ordered him to sleep in the living room and stay away from me. He is in the emergency services field and I told him to stop pretending to be a hero because he didn’t save lives, he destroyed them.

Today, when I came home from work, he was gone. His things are still here but he backs his suitcase and took his toiletries and some clothing.

I don’t accurately know how to explain how I feel anymore. I am so angry to find that he is on dating sites not even two weeks after he was engaged to me. I am very offended that he is telling someone that he is trying to get a “piece of ass” while he still lives with me. I deserve to be treated with some courtesy here!

I am also angry with myself! How is it that I was engaged to someone that I didn’t even know! I am really need to get the hell out of this house. I have no idea if he is paying any bills or not. I don’t know if our electricity is going to get shut down at any time.

I am going to look at a house for rent tomorrow and an apartment on Monday, that I can easily afford to pay rent on, but I do not have the security deposit required. I am planning to beg the landlord if I think it can work for me and my daughter.

I am so scared anymore. My anxiety level is super high. I do not feel safe. And I have no where to go and no way to get the money for the house that I am looking at tomorrow.

I need some good vibes, prayers, words and thoughts of strength for me and my daughter. And any ideas that you may have that could be helpful in helping me find my way out. I will be going to church for the first time in years to pray.

So you assaulted him and you are the one who feels unsafe?

I hope he sees this thread: dude you are doing the right thing getting out of there! Make sure she has no opportunity to be alone with you, keep a witness around and change the locks as soon as she is gone and has no claim of residency.

Trust me guy, all she has to do is say you hit her first and the presumption of guilt will fall on you.

Is he your daughter’s father?

Mike, you should have just not even replied to this thread. What you said was the opposite of helpful.

OP, you have every right to be angry. You were wrong to push him, but you have been hurt and suffered serious disappointment. Just remember you and your daughter are the most important thing right now. If you have any friends you can stay with for a while until you can get back on your feet that is what I would suggest.

Just calm down dragongirl. It will be OK. Just try not to lose your temper like that.

You ordered him to sleep in the living room because he is still sleeping … with you???

You had the rug pulled out from under you, but it was not without giant red flags and alarm bells going off. The relationship you were telling yourself you had was clearly not what you had. He spent all your money on gambling. He took off and ignored you. This wasn’t a complete shock when it happened. You knew you were living with a gambler. The only thing different between this week and last is that now there is no more ignoring the truth of the situation.

He hasn’t destroyed your life. He’s just some guy you lived with. There is nothing special about him. You can find another guy. The more you build him up in your head as your “fiance” instead of a gambling addict that you aren’t going to cater to any more, the better off you will be. Get some perspective here. He’s not the one who needs to treat you with courtesy at this point. You know what he is, and you both know it’s over. So what if he wants to get laid. It’s not your concern. You need to treat yourself with courtesy by not getting involved in his business and then “confronting” him about it. What the fuck do you care what his sorry ass is doing at this point? It’s none of your business. You need to tend to YOUR situation, not his.

Move to a shelter if you have to. Rent a room for a few weeks if you have to. Care enough about yourself to not do dumb-ass things like assault him that will only get you in hot water.

You have no idea of the backstory here. The dude is a gambler (as in addict) and stole from her to the point she couldn’t even afford gas for her car. He is a con, and a cheat, and she has a right to feel angry. Back off!

I know that shoving him was wrong. It wasn’t something I gave conscience though to. I just did it. I have never done anything like that before.

I hate being treated in such a disrespectful way. I can accept that we are no longer a couple and I am trying to find another place to live. But, I don’t generally treat others badly. I am hurt that I was lied to and that he’s now running around and behaving like I am nothing and meant nothing to him.

Out of common courtesy, he should just hold off a little bit. Less then 2 weeks ago, he had told me that he loved me.

He is not my daughter’s father. And he has been sharing a bed with me, only because we only have one and the house is small there is not room for another.

IIRC, your daughter is over 18? Can she get stay with her dad for a bit? Or a grandparent? If she’s in school, can she talk to them about on-campus housing? It doesn’t have to be long term, but if she could sort this out short term, it opens up more options for you.

As for you … dragongirl, can you see about finding space in a women’s shelter? Just for the short term, while you’re looking for other housing. That’s what it’s there for you - to help women who need a safe space in a hurry. It’s not ideal, but it would give you some breathing room while you consider your options.

Whose name is on the lease at your current residence? Do you have any joint checking or credit cards?

Once things are sorted out, you’ll probably want to talk to somebody about all this - how he deceived you, how you lashed out at him, how you can avoid all this in the future. But the immediate thing is to find somewhere safe to stay and get your finances sorted out.

You deserve better. You can have better. Take care of yourself while you look for it.

She is in school, but it’s high school. She cannot stay with her father because he has not had any contact with her in years. He dropped out long ago. I have a step sister who owns a large house and she lives by herself. The draw back is that she is over 2 hours away. If I could reach her she may let me stay with her, but it wold not solve the problem of my daughter being in school here. There is no one in this area that I know who could let her stay with them until I can figure something out.

Both of our names are on the lease. But I separated my bank account from his a few weeks ago. My credit looks ok for now.

As far as the lease goes, I don’t know that there’s anything I can do about that. I have got to leave here and that’s it. If I find something, I will speak to the landlords about it.

Don’t leave your stuff behind unless you never want to see it again. A guy with an addiction that bad will probably pawn anything valuable (if he hasn’t been sneaking stuff already) so he can gamble more.

And of course he’s looking for someone else already. He wants a gravy train setup where he gets to gamble everything and someone else keeps a roof over his head. That keeps him from having to face up to what he’s doing to himself and others.

Telephone the landlord, NOW and explain the situation. They will preferyou to a tenant with an gambling addiction. They will know how to take care of the paperwork, and they might even have another apartment that would fit you. You might even be able to arrange somthing so you and your daughter can stay in the apartment, maybe with the aid of a roommate. That would save hassle, drama and the cost of moving, redecorating and settling in.

Renting a house, you cannot come up with the deposit for, seems sort of ill advised to me.

I’d stop blaming him and take a little ownership of things, were I you. Time to put on your big girl panties and begin to examine how it is that you agreed to marry and cohabitate with someone, including your child in the mix, that you clearly knew very little about.

And when the red flags started going off, well you just stayed on. With your daughter. Wasn’t it weeks ago that he revealed himself to be a secret and ruinous gambling addict, with whom you had comingled your finances? You’re still cohabitating, sharing a bed (because there isn’t room for another bed? Really? No couch or floorspace I suppose?), and a teenage daughter at home, through it all?

Don’t you have friends? Isn’t there a shelter? Couldn’t you go to a church? If you had, you’d already be out of this mess, or at least on the road to it. Instead you’re just digging yourself in deeper and deeper.

How could he, (do all these things)? You know how he could? You discovered he was cheating and ruining your finances and you stayed on! Ask yourself what, exactly does it take to drive you off? Now you’ve assaulted him, lovely.

I don’t know what else could possibly happen, that hasn’t already, to make you see you need to get up and go. Wherever you can. Now. It couldn’t be clearer.

Or continue to spend time looking for a ‘suitable’ house with no deposit money, (How is that helping?), and continue to tell yourself this will somehow just get better or resolve itself. It won’t.

Since people are providing some very useful feedback and advice, and not just “there there,” I’m going to move this from MPSIMS to our advice forum, IMHO.

I’ve been here long enough that I remember when you were posting about your first dysfunctional marriage breaking up. These guys do sound like losers, but to break the pattern you need to figure out: What is it that makes losers like this attractive to you? What is it that you’re doing that makes losers attracted TO you?
I would suggest looking for some sliding scale counseling to help you work out the answers to those questions.
Now, I’m not saying this as a criticism. We all have issues in our past that affect our present relationships. I’ve definitely made mistakes and let people treat me badly until I realized what was going on and put a stop to it.

I know you mentioned in your other post that you have issues with low self esteem. I suspect that the way you carry yourself makes that low self esteem obvious to others and that it’s attracting the wrong kind of guy (the kind of guy who is looking for a doormat who can be taken advantage of). And it makes you feel so dependent on the guy for so much that it’s hard to leave when you know it’s time to go.

It’s always hard to forget a relationship when you still care about someone, but I think the sooner you can stop worrying about what this guy is doing, the better you will be. Just try to tell yourself that whatever he’s doing with other women, it’s not your problem anymore. He is part of your past now.

I would also suggest putting an emphasis on making more female friends. Is there any kind of activity you enjoy or a volunteer organization you might want to join? If nothing else, maybe you could look into volunteering at a domestic violence shelter or something.
Having the support of some real friends can do a lot to give you a reality check on your self esteem and help you avoid becoming so dependent on a guy in the future. When you feel good about yourself and you’re in a healthy state of mind, you attract healthy people to you.

I clearly made some very poor choices and I admit to that. But I can’t change what’s already happened.

No, I do not have any friends that live anywhere near by. The friends I do have cannot have me and my daughter stay with them for a variety of reasons.

So, as of right now, looking for a place that I can afford is what I am doing and it really seems like the best things right now.

I did somethings wrong. I should not have pushed him. I cannot even explain why I did and I have never done anything like that before. I was also wrong to believe in who I thought he was. We had lived together for several months before I saw any indication of the gambling.

All of the above is very true. I have been meeting with some girls I work with every Saturday night for coffee and dinner. I also reached out to a counselor that I had been seeing some time ago and I hope to begin doing that again, I am hoping she can give me an appointment soon.

As for dating, After talking about these things with friends and even my daughter, I have decided to just not date for a long time and to not look. I need to spend time fixing myself. I want to join a gym and have some friends and maybe go on a vacation and things like that.

But the first thing I have to do is get away from this.

Please explain to us the, ‘no room for another bed’, as anything other than, a truly pathetic excuse to still sleep with this man, after he has proven himself to be a cheating, lying, user?

Or why you can’t go out the door to a shelter this day? (They will assist you in getting housing without a deposit, and quickly!)

There are not enough roll eyes, for how lame this rationalization is! Yeah, that’s what really wrong here - you pushed him. It’s not you ignoring the red flags, or being unable/unwilling to leave, it’s the shove!

But the really burning question is: Exactly what, does he have to do, to finally drive you off? Brandish a weapon, assault your child? No matter what he does you just stay on, you’re kind of driving him to just keep upping things until he reaches your threshold. Assuming you have one, I see no evidence whatsoever, that you do.

You know he’s not to be trusted, lies, cheats, steals, and yet you think it’s okay for your teenage daughter to continue to share a home with him? How will you live with yourself if something happens to her? Your reactions, or lack there of, are entirely baffling to me.

Dragon, it’s sounding like you’re determined to handle this all on your own, with no friends, no family, and no outside help. Is that how it really is to you?

Do you NEED to solve this yourself to prove something to yourself about how you can now handle your shit and get this sorted out?

Because if that is the case, you are potentially hurting yourself and your daughter, FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR PRIDE.

I know how that feels - I’m very proud. I stayed with an abusive boyfriend for about 6 months after I knew I needed to get out, despite friends and family (and my eventual husband) all BEGGING me to let them help me, but I was determined to do it on my own, because I was a big girl and I could handle it. The emotional fallout among my whole group of friends, caused by me and my pride is only just now (10 years later) starting to mellow out. Thankfully mine was only emotionally abusive, or I could have been seriously physically hurt as well as psychologically damaged.

You have a daughter. You owe it to her to show her clearly that no one stands alone, and that accepting help when you need it is the way to be smart and use your resources to make the best situation for yourself.

You’re getting some good advice here - you need to fix this NOW, and it doesn’t sound like you’re good for fixing it NOW on your own. I’m sure you can fix it later on your own, but that’s not good enough, or at least it shouldn’t be good enough for you and your daughter. If you won’t protect yourself immediately, protect her.

  1. Call a women’s shelter NOW.
  2. Tell them that your fiancee and you share a lease, that he has a gambling addiction that he hid from you, that you confronted him angrily and that you’re worried he’ll retaliate.
  3. Tell them you have an 18 year old daughter who also needs somewhere to stay so she can stay in school.

If you can’t do that, then there’s not much else we can offer. If you need help (and it sounds from here like you very much do!) then TAKE IT!

Describe, with details, how it was you came to find out about his “secret” email address and his comments to his friend. Not because I’m gonna ride you for spying and invading his privacy, but because I strongly suspect that he wanted you to come across that info, either in a last-ditch attempt to see if you still cared, or in a spiteful attempt to illicit jealousy. Or both.

If I’m right, and I think I probably am, you took the bait, hook, line and sinker.