okay i dont know what to do right now. I have never been so lost in my entire life then now. Well I guess I should tell a little about it huh. Well it all started me and my SO decided to try to get an apartment this summer together. Everything is good, at least I thought so, we find a place that we can afford and we really want to do this. Well later on in the day my SO states that maybe I should go home for the summer…it would be more finanicial fit for me. I was dumbfounded. Well this turned out to be a big fight I got upset, he said I was overreacting, he was just looking out for me finicially. I wanted to live with him so i was willing to take the chance. Well we talked and talked about it but our talking usually ends up agrueing at times like this. We still havent came to any conclusions on what I should do.
The thing that I can seem to shrug off is that I find out that he isnt happy. I sensed it earlier, but to finally have him say it was hard. He said that his happiness didnt matter and that he wants to be with me no matter what. Partly because he loves me and partly because he doesnt want to hurt me. I dont know what to think or do. I mean I believe that two people must be happy together for things to work out…he says his happiness doesnt matter as long as I am happy. I really dont know what to do and I dont think he knows what to do. We both say its my fault…no no its my fault I shouldnt have done this or that.
I really dont want to lose him, but I am afraid in a way I already have. Enough so that he has thought about us and how things are going and most likely has been questioning things. I am scared…I want him to be happy, but then I dont want to give him up because I love him with all my heart. The things going through my head right now…the constant crying, the feeling of well that I am hurting the one I love by making him unhappy by being a bitch. Because I admit I am one. I am making him unhappy because I am a negative person…I am a troubled person…I am lost is what I am…but I dont want to lose him in the process…
What you are going through is rough. From what you posted it sounds like some time apart may help, if it doesn’t help the relationship it may give you time and space to work on yourself. You say that you are a negative person, that might be a place to start working on you.
I know this, if he is unhappy in the relationship but stays to make you happy it won’t work. He can’t make you happy. Only you can do that. If he stays sooner or later he may start to resent the relationship and possibly you.
I know it is hard to be away from the one you love, to risk it all. My husband and I were seperated for a year and a half about 15 years ago. It was hell. But we both learned and grew in that time. We still have problems, but they are nothing compared to the ways things were before that seperation. You see I was a bitch too (still am in some ways). And it took me losing him for awhile to see what I really had.
His happiness is important. I suggest you both take this time and try to grow, figure out what is important to each of you. You don’t have to cut all contact. Even if this relationship does not survive, you will both have the chance to become better, stronger people from this experience.
You can’t keep someone who doesn’t want to stay. No matter how much you love them.
If you truly love someone you desire their happainess above all else, even if their happiness causes you pain. He is unhappy, let him go. If this is meant to be you will find each other again.
I am the last one to give relationship advice; I just happen to be up at this time. Until more experienced heads arrive, I’ll just touch on a couple of points I might have a clue about.
First, don’t take any advice that goes against your grain. Second, you don’t have to make a decision until you have to make it; wait till you two are able to really talk it out, and make sure you ask for what you really want; you shouldn’t sacrifice your happiness for his, any more than he should sacrifice for yours, but be selfish; and if he wants to be noble or self-sacrificing, it’s his problem!
It’s not unusual for guys to get scared before making a big step like living together; maybe he thought he had gotten you into this too soon and was being noble for “practical” reasons. Bad move.
I don’t think it probably makes a fucking bit of difference that you are a bitch. I don’t see you being bitchy about this; crying is not bitching, but bitch if you want to. If you’re a negative person (and I’ve been there, in deep), you know it means you tend to take things too seriously. Enjoy the drama, but no one is writing your script for you; you don’t have to follow a script that says you have to be unhappy because you’re troubled. And I’ll bet he is unhappy, right now, because he made you unhappy, and is kicking himself for being an idiot. Maybe you guys need to really have it out and yell at each other. Fighting is necessary in a good relationship. Remember you are both scared; don’t fight alone: insist that he be open and make it a creative encounter. Know that you are fighting with each other, not against each other. The reward is to get closer. Good luck!
Hi. I was your boyfriend twenty-five years ago, but got married instead of the relatively temporary living together. Big mistake. I wasn’t ready for it and acted EXACTLY the same way. Except I took a little longer than AN AFTERNOON to figure it out.
Take some time off and give both of you a chance to grow up a little. Find out what you need. Let him find out what he needs.
Just a thought, but his SUDDEN turnaround caught my eye and I’m a suspicious person. Could he have just been using you to co-sign on a rental agreement he wouldn’t have qualified for on his own?
Hey thanks you all for the advice. we ended up talking more about it again last night and I think we have sorted out some things, hopefully at least. We tried this living together last summer and he freaked out on me, he says that wasnt what he was doing this time. He said that He just let his logic about me being better off finacially if I go home to live got in the way of what he really wants. We both know if I did go home this summmer that things will get worse because they always do…I guess the distant thing is really hard for the both of us. So he now wants me to stay up here again with him over the summer…which I am glad to hear him say because that is what I wanted to do. Hopefully this is the end of any discussion about me going home and other things. I will find out when he wakes up in a bit
Oh BTW dropzone I really dont think he is just using me to co-sign on a rental for him. I am a suspicious person to, but I dont think that is the case here
aB]alonicist**thanks for the info it was more helpful then you think…at least now I can understand a little more about you guys…you guys are such confusing people to understand.
Wow, whenever I was unhappy in a relationship, I’d escape. Somehow. Usually before it was a full-blown relationship, like living together. I hope you and your SO truly have patched things up, but if by patching things up you mean living together, I think you’re on the wrong path.
Your SO actually suggested you not live with him. That means something. You really should work on figuring out why he’s unhappy, if indeed you want to stay together. It’s not going to work if he’s staying with you to avoid hurting you. I had a girl do that to me, and she ended up sleeping with another guy before the inevitable, horrible finale to our relationship. That’s my situation. I’m not saying that will be your situation. I just know that someday his unhappiness will affect your relationship in a profound way if you don’t deal with it now.
This advice may not be to your liking but you did ask for advice and advice comes from experience. This is mine.
In my early 20’s about 18 years ago, my now ex-wife and I were approximately where your boyfriend and you are now, in a somewhat tumultuous pre-martial relationship considering a “live together” scenario. As a “man” and a young idiot I felt obligated to sublimate my “feelings” that I wasn’t really “happy” because that was for weenies. I was made of sterner stuff than that and I would tough it out. In retrospect it was almost as if I had undertaken the mission of maintaining her emotion well being and that was a responsibility I would not shirk.
My ex was emotionally unstable when under stress (99% self created) and somewhat depressed overall about the way things had turned out for her job wise after college. I was low level simmer angry about the craziness I would have to deal with on a fairly regular basis and this would turn into fairly regular (and stupid) fights. But there are no recriminations. I made the decision to stay and I am responsible for the events that transpired. It takes two to tango as they say.
The point is that, if he is expressing a certain attitude that resembles “I’ll love because you’re here, you’re now, you love me and that’s good enough even though my feelings about this relationship are sort of ambivalent.” it is NOT the time to move in together and try to work things out. This is the worst move you could possibly make.
His statement that “he says his happiness doesn’t matter as long as I am happy.” is caring guy/tough guy/dutiful guy idiocy and it is ultimately an enormous lie he is telling both you and himself. In a culture where marriages are made and discarded as easily as changing socks and children are left bobbing in the wake of divorces and broken relationships like emotional flotsam you need to be damned double sure that you are both heading in the same direction. Behavior can change, coping strategies can change but trust me on this, an adult person’s fundamental, baseline emotional character DOES NOT CHANGE. Beyond whatever lip service he may spout to keep you from getting wound up, if you perceive that he is not truly “happy” and enthused to be entering into this new relationship with you its time to get out now. “Working on it” relationships where one of the partners "loves you but isn’t in love with you "get quite grim over time.
Having said this, you will of course listen to none of this advice because you’ve got your man and you’re together. This is not a rebuke. It’s just the way humans beings are wired. I didn’t listen when I was your age. I might say in hindsight that I wish I had listened to my elder’s advice, but if I had I wouldn’t have two of the greatest children in the world (albeit for only one week a month and every other weekend) and that makes up for a lot. Live long and prosper kremit334.