Seems like HE’S the one who should be moving. I agree with the poster who said to talk to the landlord, and that they’d prefer you to someone with a gambling addiction.
And stay away from the “friend” who told you about the looking for a piece of ass nonsense. What an insensitive thing to do. There was no reason to pass that along except to be malicious.
I haven’t followed the whole saga here closely, but it’s my understanding that you have broken up as a couple, yes? Meaning, that relationship is supposed to be over, correct?
If that is the case you should NOT still be sharing a bed, even if you aren’t having sex. Buy a cheap cot or inflatable air mattress and move to another room. One or the other of you. If it’s over no more bed sharing.
If the relationship is over and there is no more sex happening who he is having sex with is NONE of your business. As soon as the relationship is over his sex life is no longer your concern. Apparently, he had sufficient courtesy to fuck the chick somewhere other than the apartment you two share, which is about as much as you’re going to get from such a character. You don’t have to like it. You also no longer have any say in it.
In other words, in “confronting” him on this YOU were out of line, especially the manner in which you went about it.
You have every right to be angry. You do NOT have the right to assault another human being. When you shoved him in that manner YOU broke the law. I don’t think you’re a horrible person, I think you were angry and made a mistake. Don’t do that again. Ever.
As said upthread, he hasn’t destroyed your life. He has made you (justifiably for the most part) absolutely furious, he has caused you much trouble, but he hasn’t “destroyed” your life. (If you develop a pattern of hitting people in anger, though, YOU might destroy your life)
He did the right thing. He should not stay with someone who laid a hand on him in anger. That doesn’t make him an angel, arguably he’s still scum, but really, don’t we tell women who are abused to get the hell out? That’s what he did.
Now, take the high road here - allow him to get his stuff back. Offer to box it and let him come pick it up. Don’t take your anger at him out on it. Be the better person here.
So does he.
Your relationship is over, correct? Then his sex life is none of your business. Don’t go looking for “secret e-mail”. Don’t pry into his privacy where it doesn’t concern you. He is an adult and has just as much right to have sex as anyone else. If you feel that dating/fucking again so soon after a breakup is offensive, well, doesn’t that just confirm he’s the sort of scum you don’t want to be with anyway?
He’s getting a “piece of ass” at another location while he’s still living with you because, apparently, neither of you have been able to move out yet. He’s NOT cheating on you because your relationship is (supposedly) over. He’s not fucking his one night stands in the bed you still share, or even the same apartment. I don’t think you’re going to get more courtesy than that.
Yes, absolutely one or the other of you needs to leave - oh, wait, didn’t he just leave?. If you can’t get free of the place how about facilitating HIS moving out? Preferably through legal means as opposed to physical assault.
Is there some reason you can’t call the utility company yourself and ask if your account is up to date?
Really? You weren’t the one who was physically pushed around during an argument.
You need to speak to a counselor of some sort to get this mess sorted out without losing your temper again. Women’s groups/shelters might be able to provide you with counseling on how to disentangle yourself financially, get a new place to live, and how to do this without losing control of your anger again whether or not you actually live in their shelter. If you go to a church a pastor/minister might either be able to provide counseling or be able to direct you to one that wouldn’t wipe you out financially.
Right now the biggest obstacles you face in fixing your problems are your feelings of being overwhelmed and your anger.
Now, for some practical advice:
Call the utility company(s) and find out the status of your accounts. If money is owed ask for a payment plan NOW before any disconnect notices arrive.
Discuss changing the lease with the landlord. He doesn’t have to allow changes, but you can always ask. If changes are made get them in writing! DON’T get in personal details when you do this, just say “we broke up, one or both of us really has to move out”. He might allow you to move to another unit in the same building. He might let you out of the lease with no penalty. Truthfully, he might also be a total asshole but you won’t know until you ask.
Let the ex get his stuff back undamaged.
Stay out of the ex’s business. It’s not your business anymore. Blowing your stack because your ex is getting sex somewhere else is creepy stalker behavior so don’t do that. You can be angry and upset about it but you need to distance yourself from him. You’re still emotionally entangled and that’s not good for you.
Get some financial counseling
Get some counseling regarding your feeling of anger/betrayal and how you can express them in a legal and non-harmful manner.
No, you back off.
If she “shoved him to the ground” she physically assaulted him. She broke the law. Unless he was punching her or otherwise physically threatening her with immediate harm there is NO excuse for that. Feeling angry? Yes, she has every right. Getting physically abusive? No, she is no more allowed to do that than a man is allowed to punch his ex-girlfriend in the jaw.
I agree with Broomstick - you broke up - his sex life is none of your business. He is not being disrespectful - you are.
And I agree with elbows - this man is doing everything he can to get you to let go…and you haven’t. He’ll keep escalating until he gets his life back as he wants it (gambling, pieces of ass, and all).
Talk to your landlord. He’s out now, don’t let him move back in. Make a break. If your landlord isn’t cooperative, you may need to put all the stuff you can fit and your daughter into your car and move to someplace where someone - an old friend, a relative, can take you in. Or a shelter. And let the financial and responsibility chips fall where they may.
You are better than this. You are better than him. But you can’t be the person you were meant to be with these losers in your life, so dump them, and the baggage you are carrying from them, as fast as you can. Putting any more emotional energy into this is spending your energy into a black hole - use your emotional energy on making yourself whole and healthy for tomorrow - not on losers in your past. If it isn’t making your tomorrow better (and arguing with a guy you’ve broken up with about his sex life isn’t going to make YOUR tomorrow any better), don’t do it.
I think talking to a shelter is a good first step. Some shelters, as noted, can help you with finding housing quick, even if you don’t have much cash in hand. They will also have legal resources you can take advantage of.
Remember that this is a process, and if getting out of there means living in a tiny place instead of a roomy apartment or house for a year, it’s just a step toward your goal. Don’t focus on perfection–just on getting the things done you need to do NOW.
And don’t agonize about all the things you’ve done wrong or bad decisions you’ve made. Once you get on your feet and are on your own, you’ll have a chance to figure out the whys and the wherefores of how this all happened. Just deal with the moment for now–that’s enough work for anyone.
Good luck. You’ll get through this.
I don’t actually have a clue what I’m talking about, so take with a grain of salt, but it seems to me that a lot of the advice in this thread will be a lot more useful in a month or two. All the stuff about why you’re attracted to losers and how soon you should start dating again and how to fix yourself: yes, sure, it needs thinking about, but not now. For now, forget every bit of that and focus on getting out of this situation. Once you’re clear of your ex in every way, you can start thinking about the other stuff. For now, if you start focusing on how you got into this situation, it’s way too easy for that to become a distraction from the far more urgent issue of how you get OUT.
Get your friends to help.
Period.
That is what I am doing. Trying to get out. Then I can work on everything else. I know I was wrong.
The house I looked at today was nice, small. I spoke with the lady and was very honest about my situation and as it turns out, she works in a casino and has seen it first hand. She also told me that she had made mistakes in her life as well and has been in these situations. I told her that I would be able to have the security and first month’s rent by December 1st, which I can.
So, she is going to check me references and call me back sometime this week. I am hoping for the best here.
Does your daughter have any friends who might be able to let her stay for a week or two?
If she has a friend whose parents wouldn’t mind her staying over for a little while, it’d probably be much better for her, and that’s probably easier to find than someone willing to put both of you up.
Even if you do wind up staying in the same house, I bet your daughter’s feeling the stress too, and a break would be a good thing.
Talk to the landlord, talk to a shelter- don’t waste your time trying to find a new landlord who will take you on without a deposit, they’re extremely rare creatures.
Try and calm down, it’s hard to think clearly when you’re in panic mode, and that seems to be what you’re in. There’s no shame in looking for help, you’re willing to ask for help from the strangers on here, ask the ones closer to home as well.
Good luck getting this worked out fast.
Bullshit. I don’t care what he did she had no right to assault him. MikeG is completely correct.
It’s a public message board, your “Back off!” comment is complete bullshit.
Reverse the genders and let me know if you’d feel the same way.
That being said, the OP seems genuinely remorseful about having pushed him, so I think we should let that go.
The way I recall it, she freely handed over the debit card to their joint account after knowing full well that he had gambled away his last paycheck.
I know it’s hard to accept, but the two of you are not dating, and he does not owe you anything in particular sexually. His sex life is now between himself and any new partners, and you are not a part of it. There are no “should” and “should nots” in a non-relationship. He’s a single man, and if it makes him feel better to pick up girls, that’s his right. You don’t get a say, you are not his partner. The sooner you can come face to face with this, rather than getting worked up about what he “should” be doing, the sooner you will be able to get into a healthy emotional state.
Of course it’d be nice to think of him mooning over you and broken hearted. But this is rarely a reality after a breakup. Quite often, people are pretty excited about their freedom and eager to move on. That’s normal, and it may even be healthy. Sometimes it’s what people need to move forward to the next stage of their life.
In any case, you cannot control his actions. You can tut tut or cry all you want, but you don’t get a vote. What you can control is how you react to it. There are PLENTY of guides to managing a breakup (I’m a fan of “It’s Called a Breakup Because it is Broken.”) Basic CBT can also be very helpful. You are displaying some very classic thought distortions, and they can actually be quite easy to work through. But it will take work, and the first step is to realize that he is not responsible for managing your emotions. You are the only one who can do this.
As for the rest, yes, you need to get out of there. And you need to stop sleeping next to him. And you need to stop checking up on him. And you need to find a more stable place for your daughter. As time moves on, you will need to build a local support system. You can’t go through life with no nearby friends. The stronger your support system, the better you will be able to manage your future.
I want to give you some comforting words, but you’ve got a lot of pretty dire stuff going on right now. The best I can do is strongly recommend you get an appropriate book, and wish you the best of luck.
If your overall financial situation is such that you don’t have a cushion in the bank that will allow you to move asap, maybe you should set your sights on a studio apartment that you can afford right now instead of a small house in a month. If you have to share a sofabed with your daughter for a year while you get your financial life in order so you can afford a small house on your own, so be it.
She’s breaking her lease regardless; her landlord might at least appreciate a month’s notice more than “I’mleavingnowbye” from her, and cut her a break.
I’ve had more than one landlord let me go w/o consequence when I explained my circumstances. Many landlords are willing to give you a break if you’re in a bad way. It’s very true though that the more notice you give the more understanding they tend to be IMHO.
This.
Examine the motive of the friend who supplied this bit of malicious information.
You have just broken up. Either one of you could say things in haste.
Also true is that if he has gone then can you keep him out? Why should you and your daughter put up with any more of his drama?
If he’s on the lease, I doubt she could do it legally. However, he may decide he doesn’t want to return.
Dragongirl, if he doesn’t come back, could you swing the apartment you’re in on your own?
I agree with the posters that said that you can’t get upset about what or who he’s doing now-- a.) it’s none of your business if you guys have broken up, and b.) you need to concentrate on taking care of you and your daughter, and dealing with him is Did she see the fight between you guys get physical?
Considering the abused husband I know, yes actually. There is only so much a person can take. It doesn’t make it right, but I think there are mitigating circumstances. Judging the person for not keeping their temper doesn’t help.
What some folks are not seeing is that abusive relationships often have mutual elements where the couple abuses each other. One is still the primary actor, the provoker, making the other dance to their tune. It does not excuse the shove at all. Just the fact that it happened is a BIG red flag! It is a sign that things are escalating, and you need to get yourself away from there Dragongirl. Sooner rather than later.
I was responding to MikeG’s tone, castigating the OP as wholly bad, instead of someone already worn down to a nub (who didn’t even realize they were) that was pushed to a breaking point and had a lapse in judgement. Wagging a finger at her and calling her bad for that isn’t going to help. Working to show her why she needs to get away from that environment quickly is what is called for.
So if a man posted that when he found out his ex was seeing someone else he shoved her to the ground, your response would be that we shouldn’t castigate, we should realize that this is “someone already worn down to a nub (who didn’t even realize they were) that was pushed to a breaking point and had a lapse in judgement”?
I’m calling bullshit.