So, the ex is still leaving an imprint in my couch. I did give him a letter a few months ago, explaining that he needed to leave (by August 31) and at that time I had been hoping to move out and just say hey we’re moving out, you’re not invited to come along – but alas, that did not happen.
Of course everyone I have talked to all say the same thing. Tell him to GTFO. Now. I just cannot bring myself to do it, unless maybe we got in a heated argument one fateful night. I’ve thought of giving him a healthy “severance,” sending him off to a hotel, or asking him to leave for just one night. I’ve found an alcohol rehab program in our area that he could go to and live rent-free for a long while. I told him to look into it.
Needless to say, August 31 came and went without so much as a comment about why he hadn’t packed his bags and ventured out to the local homeless shelter or a friend’s couch. I’ve stopped spoiling him with the fine foods that my children and I eat, and I just buy a lot of chicken and potatoes so that he won’t starve to death. Sadly, I’ve been a complete wimp and still supply him with beer.
Being that I can’t seem to bring myself to just kick him out, I’m thinking that the next step should definitely be to stop supplying him with beer, (I know – duh!!) which, I believe, would be almost akin to sending him to the homeless shelter! I don’t know if he’s such a heavy drinker that he would have withdrawal symptoms, but I guess that will remain to be seen.
Perhaps this slight kick in the ass will send a strong message and motivate him to do something? It’s certainly better than what I’ve done in the past, which is nothing.
I know I need to get rid of this crazy codependence I have with him. All I find myself thinking, is what is he going to do if thrown out into the harsh world of homelessness?? Can someone help me out of this damn tunnel vision??? :smack:
Don’t stop buying him beer then see what happens. Because whatever happens will just be a pain in the ass for you. If he gets the DTs then you’ll let him stay and you will deal with that. If he starts buying his own beer then there will no longer be an issue and he’ll still be there.
Don’t put the impetus to get moving on him. Put it on yourself. As in…what Czarcasm said.
Great idea, Mr. C., but that would be an answer to the question: “I’ve decided to finally do it, how would I go about doing it?” If I can ever come to that point, I will be sure to try this.
Given his willingness to take advantage of you thus far and his unwillingness to take responsibility for himself, I’d be concerned that the “something” he might be motivated to do by this slight kick in the ass would be to start stealing from you to keep beer money available.
I don’t think the kick in the ass it will take to get him to change should be (or can be) slight. It needs to be hard if it’s going to work. Unfortunately, along the lines of what Czarcasm suggested.
And, yes, Al-Anon. I really hope this works out for you.
*Well, yeah, I’ve already done that, already know outcome.
**He won’t be able to buy his own beer, as he has $0. That’s why I consider that to be a considerable move on my part.
Help yourself-an angel isn’t going to swoop down and remove him from your home. What I gave you was the answer you need. Your only alternative at this point is to have “WELCOME TO OUR HUMBLE HOME” tattooed on your back.
Sadly this is not a ‘considerable move’. It just confirms that he can stay forever.
And as already posted:
As far as he’s concerned, it wouldn’t even be stealing to take your money.
After all he is a ‘welcome guest’ in your home, living rent-free with meals thrown in.
What are you going to do if he invites friends over to stay? :smack:
This is what I used on my toddler, it seems appropriate for you.
“This is going to happen, and it can happen the ‘nice’ way or the ‘not nice’ way.”
The nice way involves you helping him find a place to stay, giving him some money to help the transition, and help him move whatever stuff he still has. The nice way should take no longer than a week or two.
The not nice way begins with you gathering up your valuables and putting them somewhere safe. Then you stop buying food and beer (except takeout for you and the kids). Then you turn off the cable TV. Then you throw his shit out onto the lawn and change the locks. You may want to involve the Sheriff if you think you might go this route, find out what the Sheriff needs from you to support your actions.
Then, when he picks which way he wants it done, you do that.
Well, then, enjoy living with him for the rest of your life, supporting him, and feeding his ass. I’m not sure what you want of us. The only way to get rid of him is to march your butt down there, today, and stand in front of him, and say, “I’m sick of supporting your lazy ass. Get the fuck out of my house. Now. You can find another place to stay for tonight, and when you are settled, you can come pick up your stuff, but I need to live my life.”
If you can’t stand up for yourself and do that, then I am genuinely sorry but you are stuck with this man. Some people in this world are just users and will continue using until they are dead. My dad is one of them, and I know he hopes-hopes-hopes I will ask him to move in with us, but I am too wily for that and won’t get caught in that trap.
Let’s see, your question was - will this slight kick in the ass motivate him? The answer is no, probably not. If you shut off his beer, he will either a) go without or b) more likely, find some way to make a small enough income that he can buy beer, and continue sitting on your couch. In the interim, you and the kids are not eating fine foods, but chicken and potatoes, and there will be no beer for you.
Lastly, I would like to remind you that those kids NEED you far more than the ex does. The ex has lots of resources. Your kids have none, except for you. You are teaching them exceptionally bad habits - let yourself be walked on, and it’s ok to take advantage of people. And you are not doing your ex any favors, either.
He will never leave. You have to kick him out. There is no other option; stop deluding yourself that anything you do short of physically kicking him out will succeed.
Let’s take a hypothetical scenario and run with it. It’s 20 years in the future, and one of your kids has a deadbeat partner or ex that is sitting on their couch, not paying rent, not paying for food, and not paying for the copious amounts of liquor they consume. Don’t you feel absolutely enraged on your children’s behalf? Wouldn’t you tell them to kick that loser to the curb?
I’m *sure *you would. The real question is, why don’t you feel the same outrage for yourself right now? If you don’t man up and kick out this loser now, your kids will think that it’s ok to support losers and end up in the same shitty cycle you’re in. Get therapy for christ sake, and get rid of the deadweight.
OK, since it has been mentioned more than once, I was in therapy. But I don’t continue to go, because there’s only so much she can say, right? As you are all saying, it must come from within. But yes, I sincerely wish that something could switch/click in my brain that would make me be able to go through with this! Stat!
He’s your ex and an alcoholic. Yet you provide him free room, board, and alcohol. That makes you an enabler. You certainly aren’t doing the guy any long term favors. He needs to get closer to rock bottom before he has any chance of getting his act back together again - if at all. If you really want to help him, kick his ass out and change the locks.
