Stupid junkie roommate!

The BBQ Pit
1

I have a roommate with severe drug use issues who I’ve been trying to help. He quit his job as a retail manager and took a job doing maintenance at an ice rink in exchange for
free skating (he plays hockey) and what he says is a good hourly wage. There are two other people living in the house and paying rent, but they aren’t leaseholders (the drug-user and I are), so I have been paying his share of the rent and utilites in addition to my one, trusting his promises that he would pay me back.
I have turned a blind eye to his drug use, since preaching is useless and I hoped that he would eventually come to his senses and straighten up. He has been through rehab several times and refuses to get professional help.
Last Wednesday I came home from the gym around 10 p.m. He stopped me outside the front steps, saying, “You can’t come in. Some guys think I stole drugs from them, and they’re coming over right now.” He went on to say that these dealers were dangerous and that I had to leave immediately. Needless to say, I was pissed and worried in equal amounts.
After I came back, I was furious with him, we had words, and I slugged him, and act of which I am deeply ashamed. the dealers did not show up that night, and I have no idea if he was even telling the truth, or if this was part of another scam to get me to loan him money.

Because I can’t keep up paying rent for two, I’m moving out of my house now that the lease is up at the end of November,
which means that we all have to vacate, because the drug user can’t pay, and the other two have no interest in renewing the lease.

So now I have to find a new place to live, I have the worry that my roommate’s reckless ways might endanger my life, and I’m out a large amount of money. I’m really angry, most of all at myself for being such a chump.

2

Why the fuck are you moving out? Kick his ass to the curb - call the cops on him if you have to. Why should you and your two other housemates suffer because of his problem?

Esprix

3

That sucks, goboy. I was in a similar situation for about 9 months. I had a roommate who was on the needle. And while it never got to any of the extreme situations that you’ve outlined (PO’ed dealers looking for revenge, physical altercations between us), I can sympathize with all the feelings that are a natural result from such a situation. Anger at yourself for allowing a situation like this unfold around you. Helplessness and fear (for the person using). Fretting about rent and bills.

You have come a good conclusion, in moving out. While Esprix has a point, the end result needs to be that you are not living with this person anymore. My roommate was a lifetime friend of mine, and I am still very close with him, but at the time I didn’t fully trust that he wouldn’t steal from me if given the opportunity. That’s no way to live.

I hope you get this resolved.

4

Goboy, although it DOES suck, you’re better off getting out of there. If the dealers know your address, get out as quickly as possible. It may all be your roommate’s bs, but you never know. You did a good thing by trying to help your roommate, but he doesn’t get it.

Something similar happened to me when I was 19 and had a couple of my roommate’s buddies crash at my apartment for months. They didn’t work, didn’t have any place to go, and of course didn’t have any money. They ate my food, smoked my cigarettes, and never even said thanks. One of them started dealing coke out of the apartment, and they and their constantly-present friends were always making noise and making my life hell. One night I went out into the living room and asked them to be quiet so I could get some sleep, and Cokeboy threw me up against the wall and told me that since my name wasn’t on the lease, I couldn’t tell him what to do. Drunkboy (his sidekick) stepped in right before he hit me and suggested I just go to my room.

To make a long story short, I left immediatly (it was 3 am), spent the night at my parents’ house, and then came back the next day with 5 male friends to collect all my stuff, and moved out in about an hours’ time while they sat on the couch, slackjawed, and watched. I wasn’t on the lease, after all…

As I was on my way out, Drunkboy told me that the night before they’d all gone up on the roof to get high after I left and one of their random friends had fallen off the roof and had broken his back. I was shocked and asked why they weren’t at the hospital, and he said, “Well, there’s this party tonight we’re going to…”

They were all too fucked up to even let something like THAT bother them, much less be grateful to the person that had kept them in food and cigarettes for the past few months. I walked out realizing that if I was only out money, I was lucky as hell.

So I totally understand how frustrated you feel that you’re the one that has to leave and start over, but in the end you’ll be better off. Until your friend cleans up, it’s only going to get worse, and you shouldn’t be the one that has to deal with the consequences. Think of moving out as cutting your losses, and if it’s at all possible, get a place that you can afford without any roommates. You’ll probably REALLY enjoy the lack of conflict right now.

5

Don’t ever do anything this foolish again, OK. People who are addicted to substances, I’m including alcohol in this one too, cannot be trusted. There is nothing wrong with offering moral support, and help in ways that you can control but putting yourself in a precarious situation with a known drug abuser is just foolish. Learn a lesson from this one and don’t ever let your kind and sympathetic nature turn you into a chump again. Be tolerant if you must, but never set yourself up to be a patsy again. I know it’s easy, been there, done that, wanna borrow a tee shirt!

If this has ever happened to you before than tell yourself…I’m an enabler, I’m an enabler. And be ever vigilant to monitor the behavior forever more. That’s what I do all the time now. Sure the druggies, drunks and dysfunctional friends and aquaintances that you may know will be pissed because they’ve lost their friend they can count on. But not allowing yourself to get sucked into “helping too much” is best for you and whoever it is you are trying to help.

Oh well, you’re out some bucks, join the crowd. Just don’t do it again OK buddy. If you feel the need let me know and I’ll talk you out of it. Good luck.

Needs2know

6

Trouble with trying to help someone out with a habit is that you just cannot get around the lies.
Nothing, no matter how sincerly put, can ever be taken at face value from a junkie.
If they keep a promise it’s only to use it later to their own gain.
They will try to make you feel guilty at their helplessness or they will be overpowering generous but all the time there is another motive at the back of it all.

No matter how close you were as friends or even family nothing is more important than that hit.

You think that you are becoming mean and hard hearted but that is what junkies do.
This person is best left well alone and by walking away you and your other friends(yes they have ways of dragging others in too) will be better off.
By helping this person through all that happens is that you are taken for a mug - don’t believe a damn word he says.

You sound like a decent person who was unfortunate to have a junkie friend, this does not make you a fool, it makes you kind considerate and caring.
Go out and find someone worthy of you.

7

goboy:

You’re writing my life story, only the drug addict involved was my fiance. We lived together, we were both on the lease and I paid for everything (I wasn’t supposed to–I couldn’t afford the rent by myself). He was in rehab twice; the first time was before we lived together. He kept asking for another chance and I kept giving them to him. He was a consummate liar, and I kept thinking that I could change things, which was impossible, of course.

I moved out too, not too long after he threatened to stab himself with a kitchen knife (yeah, right) and I realized I was more worried about my cats than about him. I had a few legal problems after that–responsibilities under the lease (which was handled by the fact that I moved out and the landlord just took possession) and a visit from the police when he and a friend used our address to commit credit card fraud. Both were scary but not a problem. The police didn’t think I’d done anything (thankfully) and they lost complete interest in me when I told them that I had just heard that he had been arrested for armed robbery.

My advice? Get out ASAP. If he bothers you at work (assuming he knows your number) get the number changed. Write him off and stay far away. It’s a crappy learning experience–it cost me thousands of dollars, and lots of therapy–but you can’t trust a drug addict, no how, no way.

8

I just wanted to add that you were very well-intentioned. Think of it as charity, if that helps.

Unfortunately we get used to pressure, and can find it difficult to break out of a bad situation.

9

Goboy, while Esprit does have a point, I recommend moving out.

I’m willing to bet, come the end of the month, your roomie won’t have a place lined up and ask to stay there “just a fe more days.” Which will turn into another month before you know it. On top of this, his friends, especially his dealers know that address. If ever he gets in trouble again, they’ll go there first and probably won’t believe you when you say “he doesn’t live here any more.”

While it’s harder on you to move, it’ll be safer in the long run, I think. Get a new place and only tell the Post Awful your new address for the first month or so. And get an unlisted phone number. They’re not expensive and it’ll probably save you hassles. Good luck!

10

I second that. Someone took advantage of you, but that reflects badly on them, just because you were too trusting to see it at first isn’t something to be ashamed of…

It’s strange reading those other responses - they’re kinda familiar. - I’ve had to move out on day’s notice, too, because of a psycho roommate. Although I drugs didn’t have to do with any of if as far as I could tell. Drugs can make people do things they might not do normally, but they’re not the only cause. Clearly this guy is a jerk as well, is what I’m saying. You don’t mention the drug(s) he’s doing. I wouldn’t be worried about a little pot smoking here and there, but if he’s shooting up heroin in the afternoon then you’d best get to steppin’.

You just need to get away from that person and not let yourself get in that sort of position again. Now I have live in an apartment I could afford on my own if my roommate moved out, so I guess I’m pretty lucky…

11

Dude, that sucks. I feel for you. Let me send you an email that might make you feel better.

But hey, now you can join the rest of the cool people and move out to SF.

12

I’m moving because A) the drug dealers know the address, and I want to get far away; B) the rent is too expensive for me to handle alone (1100/month) and I don’t want to rely on anybody else to pay their share of the rent again after this.

I have tried so hard to be supportive and to be cool and not bitch about the holes my roomie punched in the wall (he was punctuating an argument) and the windows he’s broken (bouncing a ball in the house). I want to associate with
decent people and not the lowlifes who keep coming over.

PS The same roomie told me I shouldn’t have gotten angry because “you read a lot of books but you don’t know the real world, man. This is the real world.” This from someone with a high school education who’s never been out of the US!

13

let me join the crowd. Move, quickly.

and careful when you pack. t’aint safe for you - drugs in YOUR house??? drug deals going on where YOU’re on the lease??? big potential problems.

yea, it sucks. but make it a learning experience. Do your best to not let him know where you move to.

14

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by goboy *
**

LOL
That’s pretty funny. He probably thinks that Marilyn Manson’s a deep thinker too.

15

You mean he’s not?

16

Run. Don’t walk. Now.

Having been that roommate, I can only say that you have stayed too long already. You are a good person, but you were trying to help someone who will not cooperate. I understand how you felt, but this guy is toxic and I would hate to see you get pulled any deeper into a bad situation.

Get your stuff together as fast as you can. And check on the stuff that’s valuable- I hope it isn’t already gone. Go stay somewhere else until your new place is ready, and don’t call, go back by the old place, or have any contact with the old roomies. Don’t even give the old landlord your new contact info- if junkie idiot really has pissed someone off, it would be very easy for them to come find you, hoping to get to him.

You have a good heart, but that’s what a junkie is betting on, so he can continue to get over. Remember what they say- screw me once, shame on you; screw me twice, shame on me.

Having been there, I know that only a true bottoming-out will help this guy, and you can’t help him up or down. Good luck & stay strong.

17

Bah ha ha ha.

Some real world truths:

  1. You canot trust junkies, ever, with anything, no matter what they say. They will lie, lie, lie, lie, lie some more, lie again and then lie a few more times. They can never be trusted under any circumstances. Addiction always overrules every other value. This goes for druggies, gin monkeys, and gambling addicts.

  2. If you lie with dogs, you will rise with fleas.

Run. Run as fast as you can. Never speak to him or his scum associates again, ever. Take your losses and get the fuck out. Big time.

**
[/QUOTE]

18

There is something that I failed to mention. While it is true that many addicted people fall into a pattern of what I call “parasitic behavior” this does not mean that all addicts will become criminals and sociopathic pieces of shit. However people who do carry these tendencies, and there are many of them out there disguised as “normal” folks, will not see you as we do. Most of us would agree that you are a kind, loyal and sympathetic friend, one most of us would be lucky to enjoy. But there are some people out there just waiting and watching for someone like you because they do not see you in this light. They mistake kindness for gullibility. Sympathy is synonomous with stupidity. Loyalty is naivete. They will suck you dry and spit you out and tell you that it is just what you deserve. And it appears that an awful lot of these people do travel on the fringes of society. Many of them do have drug and alcohol problems.

You’ve made the right decision. Perhaps a lifestyle change of your own is in order. I have not ever had any problem putting down the bottle or the bong whenever I wanted. I’ve tried just about every drug only drawing the line at intraveinous use. So yeah, I’ve even smoked crack a couple of times. But what I think has been my downfall is the simple fact of my tolerance for drug and alcohol abuse. Because I too have lived on the razors edge from teetoaler to outright hard partier this puts me in contact with people who use. And some of them use too much, too often with serious consequences. It’s easy to get sucked in to someone else’s addiction. Particularily when it’s a family member, old friend or a significant other. And if you yourself like to have a drink now and then or smoke a doobie once in awhile your paths will cross. Yours and someone who’s life is solidly and consistantly tied up in chasing some kind of jones.

I have attempted to separate myself from this even to the point that I no longer go out to clubs and drink. I don’t figure that in most cases if I was looking for Mr. Goodbar I’d find him in a bar anyway. “Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas”. “Go fishing in a toliet, come up with a turd”. Fits all to well in this instance. It does kind of suck though because I love to go out and listen to live music. And I do like to have a drink now and then, even get a buzz. For me hanging out with party types, is like jumping into a tank full of hungry sharks with bleeding wound.

Needs2know

19

Needs@Know,
I appreciate the kind thoughts, but you are making some wild assumptions.

I don’t do drugs. Period. I only drink beer, and then only socially. You seem to assume I’m some wild partier, but that is 180 degrees from my personality. I NEVER go near dope of any kind, not even grass.
I met my current problem roomie while we worked together at Barnes & Noble. He told me that had had drug problems in the past, but that he was clean as a whistle. I told him how I felt about drugs and he swore it would never be a problem.

My mistake was feeling sympathy for him and giving him a chance. I have learned never to do that again.

20

goboy, remember that he came to you flying false colors. There is nothing wrong with giving someone a chance who says they have turned their life around. But everything changes the moment they pick up again.

It can really be a trip through the wringer, and I feel for you. I hope that the next person you meet who says he/she is in recovery actually IS in recovery! We are nice enough people, it’s just the idiots who give the rest of us a bad name. Promise :slight_smile: .