Bastard.
The guy who promised me he was going to marry me. The guy who told me he loved me- right up until he dumped me, might I add. The guy who wanted to have kids with me. The guy who sent me flowers three days ago with a card that said “I will love you forever.”
He fucking dumped me.
I didn’t do anything. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t flirt. I was the perfect girlfriend.
Here’s a question for the dumped:
What do I do now? I’m not really close to my family and I don’t feel comfortable talking with my friends about this. Any suggestions about how to handle this crap weasel and the pain he is causing me?
Here’s my advice (since you asked): do ANYTHING. Whatever your hobbies are, or were before you met him, do that. Go swimming, hiking, biking. Do puzzles, join a band, go shopping, paint, write songs, exercise to blow off some steam, do something. Something that takes some concentration. And keep doing it until you find that you have gone an hour, then two hours, and finally a whole day, without thinking about him/it.
We all go through several stages in the bereavement process, Tokiwoki. These apply whether we lose a fiance, a pet, or an entire NY office complex.
The first stage is shock/disbelief. You passed this stage, i think…
The next stage is anger. Judging by the “Grrr” in your post, i’d say you’re in this stage now. Anger is rooted in fear - a very hard-to-catch emotion. But once you catch it, bam, you go right into the next stage…
Sadness/depression. This stage is a lot more successful if you have a good shoulder to cry on - even if you have to pay for a professional shoulder. Whatever you do, don’t cry yourself to sleep. That’s avoidance… which we want to avoid.
Remember the saying, “what we don’t complete, we’re doomed to repeat”. Unless you pass through all the stages with flying colors, you’re guaranteed to forever hold a grudge and won’t make it through the last stage, which is…
Forgiveness/understanding. It means you forgive that he’s a jerk, forgive that you weren’t able to see it coming, forgive any scars you have, etc, etc. Forgiving is not forgetting. It means you can clearly see each other for who you were and are unencumbered by the past so that you’re free to get on with life. Which is always a nice thing.
Hooray!
PS. If you find yourself stuck on one of the stages in the future, just go back through them again and see where you need to be a little more “thorough”. Take some tissues along
Love and luck…
…
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato
I’ve been there, Tokiwoki. Believe me, I’ve been there. Only she WAS my fiance at the time. If you need to vent, feel free to drop me an email. Anything I can do, just let me know.
No great advice to add except that time really does heal all wounds. Try to go about your normal day to day stuff and concentrate on the good things in your life. Sorry that you have to go through that. I know it sucks believe me.
As far as “handling it” in practical terms there’s not really much you can do immediately other than get on with life and reconcile to be more careful (or luckier) next time.
If you would like to talk about it we’re more than willing to listen and try to offer useful advice (if that’s what you want) or simply comfort. If you’re going to do this though, you need to flesh out the situation a little bit more. I get the impression there’s probably a lot more to the story than simply “I love you” Goodbye."
I’ve never done this before, but…
{{{{Tokiwoki}}}}
I’m currently going through the exact same thing (happened about 2 weeks ago) and if you want to e-mail me to talk about it please feel free. I mean that. The address I have listed here is good.
Ranting here is usually very helpful. I wish breakupgirl.com were still up. Boy, was that site wonderful when it came to heartbreak and sadness.
In the meantime, take advantage of the offers here (including mine), if you need to talk.
For a little while, coddle yourself. You just took a big, bruising blow with no warning. Be nice to yourself. After a bit, it’ll be time to get back out there and deal with the real world. You’ll know when.
Oh, and Peter McWilliams wrote a fantastic book on getting over a lost love. The entire text is available at that link.
Thanks all.
I treated myself to Mexican food for lunch today. Mmm. That always makes me feel better. I’m still kinda nuts in the head, but I’m working on it. I feel like he’s got control over me. I’ve already received e-mails and phone calls from him today. It’s tough.
I’ll second this. I went through a fifth of whiskey a day for about two weeks straight. No sunlight, and a lot of bitter self-reflection and seething. Don’t eat, and lash out at your friends and those you care about. Plus, do a lot of irrational, scary planning of things you wouldn’t normally think of doing.
Not that I’d recommend this. It didn’t work so well for me.
Also
My healthy recommendations –
Even though you may not feel like it, spend time with friends and loved ones. Also, write down everything you are feeling. Read over it a few times, then wither put it out of sight or burn it. I thought this sounded really hokey until I tried it. The catharsis was a big relief.
I’ll second the “burning” thing. Not in a reckless, fesival way, though. I took out all of my letters, pictures, notes… Picked a night where all the roommates were gone. Built a small fire and burned them one by one. Not with a sense of bitterness or anger, just resolve. An ending. This was a good way for me to get over kicking myself for not getting out sooner, for being a pushover. Then you get up, stretch, kick the ashes around with your toe, pour some water on the whole thing, then go to bed. The sun shines a lot brighter the next day.
NoNo…that is what scanners and paint programs are for. That way, you can not only edit him out, but replace him with more appropriate images…I’m sure that you can find pictures of Cthulu, Lampreys, Slugs, Worms, Insects and the like to replace him with. ;>
How is it that I’m the first one to say this.
If he dumped you, he’s not Mr. Right, he’s ** Mr. “What the fuck were you thinking breaking up with her? No one ever thought she’d go out with you to begin with. Did you think you could do better, because you CAN’T!! IDIOT!”**
That’s who broke up with you, not Mr. Right.
and what the hell is he doing send you email and calling you? He is in violation of a number of dating laws. I’d have 'em arrested if I were you.
Seriously, if he broke up with you, maybe he’s not the guy and its just wrong for him to be calling you.
If he ended it then why is he bothering you? Tell him to fuck off. I know it’s hard, but allowing him “control over” you is the worst thing to do. Also, from my experience if you tell him to piss off he’ll coming running back to you hat in hand. If that’s what you want.
IMHO he’s NOT Mr. Right, he’s Mr. shit-for-brains. First, for dumping you, second for trying to control you. Don’t let him. Stand tall - there are other (read:better) men out there for you.
Toki - I know what that’s like. I got dumped completely unexpectedly myself, by my at-the-time fiance. She lied to me to get me out of our apartment (saying she wanted some mother-son time with her 5-year-old - she’d never been able to spend time with him on her own, she lived with her mother before me). I moved out (for what I though was a 3-4 weeks, and 2 days later she breaks up with me over the phone. I never did get all my things back.
You’ll go through the stages Lao described above. In the end, you’ll look back and realize you’re better off.
In the meantime, if you want to vent, share horror stories, cry, etc, my e-mail is available at the bottom of this post. Don’t be shy about using it.
Anger is rooted in fear - a very hard-to-catch emotion. But once you catch it, bam, you go right into the next stage…
Whatever you do, don’t cry yourself to sleep. That’s avoidance… which we want to avoid.