This will probably be cold comfort short-term, but as time goes by I think the comfort involved will warm considerably. And that is:
At least it happened before the marriage.
Be a dork like me and save EVERYTHING, so that sometime in the future when you’re ensconced in a wonderful relationship with a dude that loves you to bits, you can take out all the old “Mr. Right” stuff and laugh at how much you’ve learned since then!
Also, listen to a lot of angry break-up music. None of that pansy-ass “take me back baby oooh I still love you baby” crap. ANGRY and LOUD is the way to go right now. 
As someone who’s spilled his guts a time or forty about relationship problems on this board, I feel compelled to reply. The folks saying that you shouldn’t return any of his calls or e-mails are totally right. There’s only a couple of reasons why he could be calling you, and none of them are good. Just forget him, no matter how hard that may be. If you want to burn the letters and other items, that’s your choice. Never did that with any of my ex’s, but to each their own. The best advice I can give is to get drunk, get laid, or whatever else it takes to make you happy. Go on with your life, that’s what matters. And if you wanna drop me an e-mail, go ahead, I’ve been in your shoes more times than I care to think about.
Along the music lines - I suggest The Smiths/Morissey. But then again I’m 33 and he’s especially appropriate for people of My Age (ick). Anyway, he’s got a couple of great songs, like “Unhappy Birthday,” where are dead-on for this sort of thing.
And for god’s sake, don’t take his phone calls. Screen your calls, if you can - if you pick up and it’s him, tell him something like “I really don’t want to speak with you for a few days/a few weeks/the rest of your life. Please send me my stuff that’s at your place. I’m sending you your stuff, too.” And go gather his stuff. Play Aretha Franklin and Gloria Gaynor really loudly as you do this.
You may not get some or all of your stuff back. That’s ok. It’s better if you do - but if you don’t, that’s a small price to have the weasel out of your life. (And fwiw this is my post 666, which seems appropriate somehow…:))
I was there about 18 months ago. He loved me, then decided he didn’t.
Things that helped me were wallowing for a few days, eating a lot of Ben and Jerry’s, watching every episode of Sex and the City I could get my hands on, and dating again, ASAP. I didn’t do it to start a relationship, just to get myself out of the house.
A friend gave me this book called “If the Buddha Dated”. I don’t remember the author’s name, but it helped a lot. There is a whole lotta new-age cheesiness in there, but some core truths that helped me.
No matter what you feel right now, he wasn’t the right guy, and you’re better off knowing it now.
Good luck
Now he’s pulling this “I’m so confused” bullshit with me. He doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know what will make him happy right now. Boo fucking hoo.
I’m the victim dammit!
That’s just cruel.
Here’s the rule.
If you dump someone, you lose the right to lean on them for emotional support!! You must refrain from contacting them in any personal way. You are toying with them.
That burns my ass…
Yea, my ex-girlfriend continues to email me, my replies are short and she finally got the hint, I didn’t have the heart to tell her to stop. It’s hard to get over someone when they keep popping up in your life. If you can, tell him to stop emailing/calling, it’s not easy.
I also read the book someone above suggestd by Peter McWilliams. I thought it helped a lot, it’s a real fast read too. Music is good, I pulled out some music from my college days. Some punk/rock-n-roll music and played it real loud-helped a bit.
Try to get out and hang out with friends, stewing around the house is good for a while, but you’ll go nuts. I did a lot of biking this summer, exercise does wonders. Living good is the best revenge!
Exactly. So tell him to fuck off until he figures it out, you have other things to do.
::standing ovation::
Good luck, Tokiwoki. Time wounds all heels. Get out there and do anything–just try and try and try to get your mind off of it.
And if Mr. Knucklehead calls, tell him “I’m sorry. I’m really busy right now. Can I call you back later?” And don’t call him back. Then he’ll wonder what it is that you’re so “busy” with! 
Damn, Tokiwoki, I’m sorry you’re getting run through the wringer like that. Kin I give ya a hug?
{{{Tokiwoki}}}
As for the guy: if he wants to play hot and cold, he’s definitely not the one for you. Either he loves you or he doesn’t; if he’s “confused” it means that he wants to try and hold onto you for a while until something better comes along.
So the hell with 'im.
Hey, if ya ain’t got no plans this weekend, wanna go out for dinner or somethin’? Don’t let the fact that I’m about 1700 miles away scare ya off. . . 
Zappo
That’s exactly what I said, but he denied it. At least I know now that I wasn’t the only one who figured that out. Geeze, that doesn’t make me feel good.
Ugh… 
Well, hell, since everyone else is:
{{{{{Tokiwoki}}}}}
::grope for Tokiwoki::
If you think your a victom now, take comfort he didn’t get these feelings 6 months to a year after you were married.
Just remeber you are absolutely blameless, as you have described the situation. You can feel sad, hurt and rejected; but never, ever once think it was your fault if it wasn’t.
Toki, you’ve gotten some good advice and sound like you have your head on straight. Still, I’m sorry…
This is a great book. My Mom gave it to me when I was going through my divorce. I cried reading it the first time and I sob every time I reread it now, remembering how truly messed up I was.
So like I said, the hell with 'im. If he thinks he’s gonna get something better, he’s just a deluded fool and you’re lucky for getting out before he started wearing tinfoil underwear in public.
Anyhow, here’s another couple of hugs: {{{{Toki}}}}
And you didn’t answer my question. . .c’mon up here and have some crabs and beer in Baltimore this weekend. Whacking the little suckers with a mallet to get to the meat is lots of fun and cheaper than psychiatry.
Seriously though, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks like an Electrolux. Just be strong and remember that it will get better.
Zappo
I know why he dumped you.
I know why he dumped you and then called back to say he didn’t know what he really wanted.
It’s SO obvious:
He’s not okay. He’s not like real people. He’s messed up and trying to find the logic won’t work because there is none.
And you’re not a victim: you’re an escapee. You’re now free to be embraced by real love, not by real lies.
I’m sorry it hurt. It happened to me. But now I have the real Mr. Right, not some messed up pretender.
Your real Mr. Right is waiting for you to feel well enough to see him. Hurry up and get happy enough to see him, but if it takes a while, that’s okay…he’ll still be there.
Cyn (and everyone else) is totally right. You’re not a victim; you’re a good human being who got hurt by the bad actions of another human being.
Real love isn’t painful and messy and confusing. Real love knows what it wants, and what it wants is you. It doesn’t dump you out of the blue then come crawling back whining “I’m confused; I don’t know what I want.” Oh, and don’t forget the most important thing about this relationship; what do you want? He’s looking after what he wants; you have to look after yourself.
If you find yourself thinking “I’ll never find another guy who is so perfect for me/wonderful/good-looking/
kind/good in bed” or whatever, don’t. He’s completely replaceable (and there will be more guys coming along). And you might try racquetball. I find hitting things with a racquet really hard helps a lot with frustrations.
I know this has been said, but it’s really nice to pour yourself into a project or hobby. I’ve been dumped. Right now I’m restoring a car (costs about as much as she did). If I get into another relationship I may have to start reading up on building airplanes.
Well, I guess I’ll be the sole dissenter amongst the group.
Sometimes men are jerks. (And yes, sometimes women are, too.) Sometimes they dump you for no apparent reason and you never do figure out why because they don’t bother to offer any explanation or don’t give one that’s true. I do realize this.
But sometimes men do just get scared. Or confused. Or freaked out. Especially when we’re talking about the dreaded “M” word in a relationship. :eek:
There is a way to tell the difference and one of those ways is if they genuinely want to open a line of communication with you.
Without knowing any more details than we have here, to dismiss this young man out of hand as an asshole seems rather premature to me. He wants to talk. But everyone here says he doesn’t “deserve” to. Why not? They’ve been in a relationship for some period of time and he obviously loved her very much (and probably still does). What’s the harm in listening?
People are too quick to throw relationships away these days. Maybe they have something worth holding onto or fighting for. But they’ll never know if she just dismisses him out of anger and pain without really listening.
I’m not saying she has to accept what he says, or allow him to string her along. If she doesn’t like what she hears or he tries to make it all her fault, she can still (and should) kick him to the curb.
I know everyone was just trying to offer support, and in doing so, thinking back to a similar experiences of your own. But hasn’t anyone else here ridden the rollercoaster through the loop-de-loops and managed to make it to the end?
My sister’s husband had a freak-out attack about a year into their relationship. He wasn’t sure anymore, didn’t know what he wanted, was scared and confused about his (and their) future and “ended” the relationship. I put ended in quotes because obviously it isn’t over. They spent some time apart, but did a LOT of talking. Talking led to understanding, and that understanding helped them find their way back to each other with a renewed sense of commitment.
It can happen.
Tokiwoki, whatever you decide - be it to open the communication and try to work through this, or to simply move on from here, I hope your heart heals soon.
Jeg elsker dig, Thomas