I have been the breaker-upper in a couple of relationships that were getting serious. Having gone through the experience of hurting another person deeply, I know without a doubt that I would rather be the person being dumped.
I was dating someone a few years ago when we started to talk about living together or getting married, etc. I loved him deeply and had a great time when we were together. Something changes when you start looking at someone as a husband instead of a boyfriend. There is this whole new facet of the relationship. Unfortunately, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes this new facet won’t work. Marriage is a huge step with huge changes.
I loved John and I loved spending time with him, but I am certain that marriage to him would not have worked. There were things that I could easily deal with in our relationship but I know without a doubt they were things that would cause problems if we were married. I think that I saved us both a lot of heartbreak by ending things when I did. It was horribly depressing to be the “bad guy” and to try to explain things to him. It hurt deeply to see how badly he was hurting because of my decision. Sometimes I miss him, a lot!
I also ended my last relationship once he tried to move forward and get more serious. He is an extremely nice person but no matter how hard I tried, I just could not feel anything about him beyond friendship. God knows that I tried, he is kind, very attentive, financially set for life (old family wealth), ambitious, great to my kids, etc., but I just didn’t love him.
Again, I think I did the right thing by ending things. It would have been terribly unfair of me to continue a relationship that he felt was moving forward while I was struggling just to find some type of love for him. In spite of the comments made in this thread, maybe he really isn’t such a jerk. Maybe he was just getting out of a situation that he knew would hurt you worse had it continued.
Oh, and don’t dismiss his claim that he is going through a confusing period. I don’t think there are many things more confusing than to break up with someone you care about.
I meant to reply days ago, but never quite got around to it. Somehow something always came up.
Anyway.
I had something similar, sort of. I was dumped by Ms Right a month before I was going to propose. My reaction to it still surprises me at how cold I was- when it happened, I then spent the rest of the evening cleaning house. Throwing out pictures, gifts, deleting numbers from speeddial, wiping hundreds of emails, changing locks, turning off voicemail and never answering the phone, and so on. On the recommendation of some dopers, that night I went out and bought Singin’ in the Rain and Sliding Doors, and a huge container of ice cream (just to complete the whole breakup image).
I think the thing that angered me the most was when my plastic spoon broke in the ice cream, and the jagged edge cut my finger. Dripping blood in the ice cream and ruining some of it frustrated me more than the ending of the relationship.
Sort of odd.
I don’t know if she ever tried to get back in touch with me- I set up rules with my email programs to automatically delete any emails from her, and I’ve since moved to a new apartment. It’s strange in that I don’t miss her, that it was such a clean break- I guess the really curious thing is that it feels as if the past year+ never really happened.
Thanks Shayna and Diane.
I’ve talked with him lately and we’ve decided we’re going to try to talk every so often. We were good friends before all of this happened and I would hate to lose that. I’m beginning to understand that he needs some space. I probably do too. Anybody need a date?
I can understand that. The smallest little things will set me off. I cried yesterday because I couldn’t find something I was looking for. I was thinking ‘what am I doing?’
Heyheyhey, I was here first! Get in line Narile!
Whatcha say, Toki?
<romantic French accent>
Baltimore? Moonlight on ze harbair? Deenair ovairlooking ze watair? Dancing on ze plaza to ze sounds of ze night? Shust zay ze waird, cheri.
</romantic French accent>
If you say yes, I promise I won’t use cheesy accents or smilies.
Nah, Toki, forget San Francisco and Baltimore! You wanna come to Nashville! What’s SF and Baltimore got that Nashville doesn’t have? Why, in Nashville we’ve got country music, shopping malls, uh, country music, the world’s largest Church of Christ, country music, and the Grand Ole Opry. Did I mention country music?
Aww, the hell with it. Anyways, if you come here, I promise not to expose you to country music. (Not counting the homeless wannabe’s playing on the street corners.)
Psst! Toki, I’ll let you in on a little secret, I hate country music too! (Boy, did I ever pick the wrong place to live!) Anyways, Nashvegas ain’t so bad once you learn all the places that haven’t been infested by country music, and if you’re really bored you can always check out the places where Deliverance isn’t just a movie, but a way of life!
::furiously scribbling out “dinner & movie” on list of things to do if Toki ever comes to visit::
Uh, yeah, I agree. You like Japanese food? We’ve got several good places in town and some of the help even speaks English! Then we could crank up some Nine Inch Nails and go driving past all the country stars homes real slow.
(I wouldn’t recommend doing that around the country bars as its liable to get you shot!)
So I just clicked on the photo link - damn it’s hell getting old! (referring to me, of course) Tokiwoki, if you’re half as intelligent and together as you sound in these posts, and half as nice as you look in that photo, I doubt you’ll be alone very long!
Regarding Shayna’s comment, I was once somewhat in the jerk boyfriend’s position. I was in a relationship with a woman for two years and finally broke it off because, well mostly because I was dumb, but the immediate reasons in my mind were…
I’d been in a crappy marriage fairly recently before
I didn’t want any kids
Hi Opal!
…and marriage just didn’t seem to have a point for me. Mind you, this woman was intelligent, attractive, funny, had lots of common interests with me, was just unbeliveable hot in bed, and just an all around joy to be with. Not too long after I broke up, I came to my senses and tried very hard to get this woman back, but to no avail. But I think the critical difference, if there is one, is that at least I wasn’t doing the whiny “I don’t know what I want” routine. I think that’s a big red flag you might want to stay away from. If anyone claims that my old relationship had a communication problem, I’ve no defense. I’ve forgiven (myself) but never forgotten. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted to get.
I don’t know. On the People Pages he is holding her. How will she feel about being held by a another slug? She is probably more interested in trying something different by now. Like a real man.
Not too long after I broke up, I came to my senses and tried very hard to get this woman back, but to no avail. But I think the critical difference, if there is one, is that at least I wasn’t doing the whiny “I don’t know what I want” routine. I think that’s a big red flag you might want to stay away from. If anyone claims that my old relationship had a communication problem, I’ve no defense. I’ve forgiven (myself) but never forgotten. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted to get.