I’m not sexist
Being sexist is wrong
And being wrong is for Women
I’m writing a film about a guy with a time machine who tries to stop Hitler’s parents from meeting …
I’m calling it ‘Back to the Fuhrer’.
Q. What did the necktie say to the hat?
A. “You go on ahead, and I’ll just hang around here.”
I was born male and I identify as male, yet…
… according to Tesco’s Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I’m a family of four!
If A is for Apples and B is for bananas then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Take good care of your ass
It’s your only body part that gives a shit
So - three bartenders walk into a church, a mosque and a synagogue…
How is a roll of toilet paper like the Starship Enterprise?
Both circle Uranus and try to wipe out the Klingons
What’s brown, smells bad, and sits on a piano bench?
Tchaikovsky’s last movement.
What did one testicle say to the other?
"I don’t know what we’re hanging for—Peter did all the shooting.
What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
One is a good year, the other is a great year.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Today I read that the average group of friends has 1 murderer…
Greg was acting very suspicious latetly so I had to kill him before he could do any harm.
Three stages of sex in a relationship.
In the beginning you’re really horny, so you do it three times a week…tri-weekly.
Then you get busy can only make time for it once a week…try weekly.
Then life beats you down and you’re so exhausted you lose interest…try weakly.
What’s suicide bombers’ biggest fear?
Dying alone
I’m considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn’t great
But it’s a job I can see myself doing
Vaginas are like gyms.
I’m rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I’m doing and hope no one notices I don’t.
Professor: April, you are failing my class.
April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I’m sure we can fix this. I’ll do annnything to pass.
Professor: {gulp} anything?
April: YES! Anything you can dream up.
Professor: Will you…… study?
Is the Isle of Capri a pile of debris?
Me (lowering my pants): “Is this normal?”
Doctor: “Not in the waiting room it’s not”
Q. What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A. The rooster clucks defiance…
Q. What’s the most difficult thing for a woman with a colostomy?
A. Finding shoes to match her bag.
I went to the doctor and he said I needed to get a prostate exam. So I dropped trou, he put on a rubber glove and he went to work. Then he said “don’t worry, it’s normal to get an erection during this procedure.” Confused, I said “but I don’t have an erection.” “No, but I do.”
Now that’s the first one that actually took me asecond or two. I first mentally tried “ducks clefiance” before getting it.
What’s the difference between Developers and Environments?
Developers want to build houses in the forest. Environmentalists already have houses in the forest.
Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”
“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”
“Well, obviously!” he replied.
“What do you mean?”
“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”
“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 4-5 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to know its the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound
But he can’t tell you cause you’re not a monk.
Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes that lamb to school, between two hunks of bread.
Mary had a little lamb, she also had a bear.
I’ve often seen her little lamb, but I’ve never seen her bear.
Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised.
When Old McDonald had a farm, the doctor nearly died.
Mary had a little sheep, and with the sheep she went to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram - Mary had a little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb, given her to keep.
It followed her around until it died from lack of sleep.
(From Playboy)
Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she went to sleep
the sheep turned out to be a ram
Mary had a little lamb
Astronaut 1: Can I get some milk for my coffee?
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.