What is the scientific term for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?
The control group.
I never get school shooting jokes.
Maybe they’re aimed at a younger audience.
I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers.
My girlfriend will love them.
A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: “Hi, where am I?”
The solitary office worker replies: “You’re in an airplane.”
The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it.
“Simple,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!”
Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you too.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Why is it called the circle of life?
Because it has no point.
I went to the strip club last night and it was closed…
I guess nobody wants to twerk anymore.
What do you call a group of Karens?
A complaint.
A church got a new pastor, who the music minister immediately disliked. Eventually, their conflict spilled out into the Sunday services.
The first week, the pastor preached about commitment and how we should dedicate our lives to serving one another. The music minister led the song “I Shall Not Be Moved.”
The second week, the pastor preached about tithing and how important it was for the congregation to contributed to the church. The music minister led the song “Jesus Paid it All.”
The third week, the pastor preached about gossiping and how we should all watch what we say about one another. The music minister led the song “I Love to Tell the Story.”
At this point, the pastor caught on. Embarrassed over how the music minister’s feud with him was disrupting their services, he told the congregation the next week that he was thinking about resigning. The music minister led the song “Oh, Why Not Tonight?”
And sure enough, the pastor did resign. In his farewell sermon the next week, he told the congregation that, as Jesus had called him to the church, Jesus was now calling him away from the church. The music minister led the song “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”
Why does Batman only wear dark colors?
Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: Oh, that’s when I went to Yale. Bit embarrassed about that.
Interviewer: Damn, embarrassed about Yale? You’re definitely hired!
Me: Thanks! I REALLY needed this yob.
What do you call toast in a cage?
Bread in captivity.
Can someone explain this to a non-American please.
I am also a non-American. Read the last word again. What was the name of the college the interviewer thought he attended?
He was actually in jail.
He pronounced the word “job” as “yob.” So it can be assumed that when he said “Yale,” he meant “jail.”
Yeah - okay. I didn’t make the connection and sort-of assumed that “yob” was a typo.
I’ve heard that joke as:
Job interviewer: “Where did you get your education?”
Job applicant: “Yale”.
Job interviewer: “What’s your name?”
Job applicant: “Yohnson.”
Huh??
Don’t Mention The Elephant In The Room.
Older married couple are arguing at the airport prior to getting on their flight:
“It’s pronounced, ‘Havaii.’”
“No, it’s, ‘Hawaii.’”
“‘Havaii.’”
“‘Hawaii.’”
“Let’s ask this gentleman. Excuse me, is it pronounced, ‘Havaii,’ or, ‘Hawaii?’”
“‘Havaii.’”
“Thank you.”
“You’re velcome.”
I just don’t get how the German people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis.
I mean, there were an awful lot of red flags.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed…
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought you were watching.”
2 dragons walk into a bar
The first one says “it’s hot in here.”
The second one says “shut your mouth”
Q. What did one casket say to the other casket?
A. “Is that you, coffin?”
An American couple are touring England in a hired car. They are in Yorkshire and see that they are approaching Mytholmroyd. It’s time for lunch, so they stop at a convenient fast-food restaurant.
As they go in they are discussing how to pronounce Mytholmroyd and when they are served, The husband asks, “Can you settle an argument and tell us how you pronounce the name of this place?”
The youth behind the counter, after having the question repeated, replies, " Ber Ger King."
Mr. Cyclops: Where should we go on vacation honey?
Mrs. Cyclops: How about Hawaii?
Mr. Cyclops: OK let me google some flights. How do you spell Hawaii?.
Mrs. Cyclops: Well, you need two "i"s.
Mr. Cyclops: …
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in my backseat
So I had to pop the trunk
I threw a boomerang a few years ago
Now I live in constant fear
So, she left her hat on on? Randy Newman would be happy, at any rate.
Two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years met unexpectedly on the street.
‘Johnny! Is that your face?’
‘Ain’t nobody else’s but!’
Color me surprised, I thought Newman did a cover, but Cocker wrote it. Turns out I was mistaken!