This has probably been told in this thread before, but it’s a big thread.
Q. What did the mathematician do when he had constipation?
A. He worked it out with a #2 pencil.
A guy is taking a tour of the Vatican. He gets lost and opens a door and finds the Pope masturbating. Quickly he takes out his new cell phone and takes a picture. The Pope is flabbergasted and begs the guy to erase the picture. The guy says, “how about you give me $5000 and I’ll give you the phone”. The Pope reluctantly agrees and the exchange is made. Later, the Pope is walking around the grounds with the phone when another tourist spots him. Hey your holiness, that’s a great phone, top of the line. What did it cost you? The Pope can’t lie and says I paid $5000 for this phone. The tourist shakes his head, man they saw you coming.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
none
What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?
College
Melinda Gates woke up yesterday and said…
May divorce be with you.
Reminds me of an historical Saddam Hussein joke from the first Gulf war:
Saddam Hussein was known to have several body doubles he used for public appearances, because of his fear of assassination attempts.
One day the Americans get intel on where Hussein is hiding, and they bomb the location.
The next day Hussein’s second in command rounds up the body doubles and says "I have good news and bad news for you.
"The good news is, our great leader, Saddam Hussein, survived the bombing!
“The bad news is, he lost an arm and a leg…”
What’s the opposite of ladyfingers?
Mentos
Man and cockroach talking. Man: “My penis is ten times longer than your whole body.”
Cockroach: “Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do.”
A Labrador, a Golden Retriever & a Chihuahua…
are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They’re speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
Dyslexic zombies, of course, crave Brians. Briiiiiiaaans!
A bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, gimme a beer.
Bartender says, sorry, we don’t serve bears here.
Bear says, I’m a big scary bear! You really want to tell me no?
Bartender says, sorry, we got a firm ‘no bear’ policy.
The bear says, see that woman sitting at the end of the bar? If you don’t serve me NOW, I’m going to eat her!
Bartender just shrugs his shoulders.
So the bear goes to the end of the bar and devours the woman completely, in a horrible, nightmarish macabre scene.
Bear says to the bartender, NOW will you serve me?
Bartender says sorry, we also don’t serve drug users here.
Bear says, drug user? What the hell are you talking about?
Bartender says, wasn’t that a barbiturate?
Took me a second, but made me laugh! 
– Honey, we should have sex more often. Lack of sex in a relationship can lead to alienation between partners.
– Excuse me? Who ARE you?
– See, that’s what I mean …
A billionaire buys an elephant
Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how’s your home life?
The other answers: Couldn’t be better! I bought an elephant!
The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?
The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, let me tell you, it’s the best purchase in my life! He’s grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He’s super strong, helps her with moving things around when I’m not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it’s kind and smart - the best pet I’ve ever had!
The other billionaire scratches his chin. ‘Yeah, that sounds… Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?’
The guy replies: ‘A million bucks! Worth every penny, it’s a steal at this price.’
The other billionaire says: ‘Sell him to me for two million?’
‘No, what are you saying? Sell him? His like family!’
‘Three million!’
‘I don’t know, man… You really can’t put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!’
‘Alright, five million!’
‘Five million?.. Well, okay man, I’ll sell him to you, but only because we’re friends’.
In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling:
‘What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There’s elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it’s aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won’t hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT’S AWFUL, worst purchase in my life!’
The other billionaire looks at him and says:
‘Well, man, I don’t know what to say, with that attitude, you’ll never sell an elephant!’
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “thanks.”
I said “don’t mention it.”
That one took me a couple of seconds to figure out. 
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?
I wouldn’t pay $100 to have a lentil on my face.
^ What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can’t make a vita min.
^ What’s the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
Anyone can roast beef.
If you had 500 Navajos (or Apaches or Cherokees or whatever) and none of them had nipples what would you call that?
The Indian nippleless 500.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
Why do I make bad chemistry jokes?
Because all the good ones argon.
What do you call a program that makes people look like hobbits?
Frodoshop
I can time travel. But in order to remain inconspicuous, I only advance one day at a time every 24 hours.
Orange is my favourite colour.
I like it more than red and yellow combined.
My wife says I have no sense of direction.
I don’t know where she’s coming from.
My kids told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.