A North Dakotan goes ice fishing. He finds a good spot on the ice and starts to drill a hole, when he hears a big booming voice: “NORTH DAKOTAN, THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!”.
So the North Dakotan looks around for another likely spot, and starts to drill a hole. Again, the big, booming voice says: “NORTH DAKOTAN, THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!”.
The North Dakotan looks for yet another likely spot, but even before he starts to drill, again comes the big, booming voice: “NORTH DAKOTAN, THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!”.
The North Dakotan looks up and says “OK, but who are you? God???”
And the big booming voice says “NO, I’M THE ARENA MANAGER”.
A man finds a lamp in the middle of an alley and rubs it. A genie appears in a cloud of smoke and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes.” The man says, “I wish for all the lawyers to be gone.” The genie says, “Done. There are no more lawyers. You have no more wishes.” The man complains, “But you said I had three.” The genie replies, “Sue me.”
A woman goes to her physician to see about removing a stuck vibrator. “I can do it”, says the doc, “but it’s not covered by insurance, it would cost you $200”.
The woman thinks for a moment. “How much to change the batteries?”
after 12 years a wife was upset by her husbands demand to only make love in the dark so one day she decides tonight is the night she’s going to resort to drastic measures to help him get over it
So they begin to make love in the pitch blackness but she jumps up from the bed and turns on the light …
Only to see him holding a big dildo… shocked she says " you impotent son of a bitch… You’d better get a good divorce lawyer … "
He says let’s not be so hasty since we have to discuss our 3 children first" …
morris who owned a good quality clothing store was a pretty good jew … he went to the temple and kept kosher whenever he could, and gave to the charities for Israel twice a year
But when new shop down the street he began having problems…since they sold cheap clothing from sweatshops in Asia and Mexico at thrift store prices he just couldn’t keep up so he goes to the temple and says … ok god I’ve never asked for anything before but I need some cash so I can get better merchandise … can I win next weeks lottery? he finishes the prayer and waits for the lottery results when he didnt win he sighed …
Next week he went back to the temple to pray again and says " ok god I see last week was a bad time for you but I need the money this week since they decided to sell ties cheaper than I ever could can I win the lottery this week?
He goes home and watches the lottery results and yet again nothing …
He goes back yet again and says "please god I need the money badly … those bastards are selling shoes now and I have no business … I need to win that lottery this week
again he watches the lottery results and nothing
Next week he goes to the temple and begins sobbing god that store down the street expanded to a second building… with twice the stuff I’m going to lose everything … I’ve been a good jew why have you forsaken me? and starts crying
This time god answers him from the heavens and says … that’s the problem mo’ … your too good of a jew… ya gotta go buy a damn ticket first …
this one is well … I’m putting it in a spoiler box cause teenage me found this one in a hustler in the late 80s …
a guy and a girl were in bed together and the guy was a bit bored so he decides to try to talk her into anal sex and she makes a face … that’s just perversion … there’s no way I’m going to let you sodomize me … disgusting and shakes her head
he gets pissed and sneers perversion disgusting and sodomize… aren’t those big words for a 12-year-old?
Sometimes I worry about what kind of world we’re leaving for Keith Richards and Willie Nelson.
A newlywed couple checks into a cabin by a lake for their honeymoon. The next morning, bright and early, the caretaker is making his rounds and he sees the new groom fishing.
“You’re up early, young fellow! I thought this being your honeymoon and all you’d be burning the bedroom down.”
The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He’d just direct people to the protein powder section, and say…
…“This is the whey”
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject
Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
A friend made up this joke on the spot one day and I was so astonished I near fell off my chair. We had a visitor from Israel over along with my friend and our visitor was telling us about the small community of Kurdish Jews and the fact that they had their own small synagogue that was kid of hidden and hard to find, when my friend blurted out, “But the Kurds find their way”.
He sees a Russian man with a glass of water. Jesus asks “My son, are you a believer?” The Russian replies “No.” With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine. “Well my son, do you believe now?” The Russian frowns and shakes his head.
The next day, Jesus comes into the bar and sees the same man. “My son, are you a believer yet?” The Russian replies “No.” Jesus waves his hands and behold! The glass again is changed to wine. “Well my son, now you surely believe?” The Russian frowns and shakes his head.
On the third day, Jesus enters the bar and approaches the Russian. “My son, are you a believer yet?”
The Russian looks up “If i say I believe, will you just leave my vodka alone today?”