It’s a nurse’s first day on the job and things are going great until a doctor bursts through the door and shouts, “Measles, Mumps, Rubella, Polio, Influenza!” before running out again.
The nurse turns to her coworker and asks “What was that all about?”
“Oh him? He likes to call the shots.”
…unless you Count Dracula.
Trial by wombat
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
+
That last one got me featured as the “Joke of the Day” for KMET’s “5 0’Clock Funnies.”
The nurse comes to the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.” The doctor replies, “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
I learned next to nothing.
It’s impeccable
No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.
Old salesmen never die - they just go out of commission.
Old chemists never die - they just fail to react.
Old deans never die - they just lose their faculties.
Old computer people never die - they just go to bits, lose their
memory, and cache in their chips.
Old truckers never die - they just get a new Peterbilt
He puts his pjamazon.
Dad: “You could do much better.”
Me: “Thanks dad”
Dad: “I was taking to your girlfriend.”
10, but 4 will shock you.
A classic…this was originally a slide show IIRC.
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
Click to advance.
The perfect woman.
She’s the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man…
At this point, it said, “Ladies, you may leave now. Men, read on.”
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. And women are still reading this, which goes to show you: women never listen.
A duck walks into a pharmacy for some Chapstick. He tells the pharmacist, “Put it on my bill.”
How can you tell if a goose is Canadian?
It should say “honk eh, honk eh,”
Father: Of course, That’s how we get number 2 pencils.
1 GB
that there are too many homeopaths. It would be more effective if they were thinned out a bit, say one homeopath per ten trillion people…
Pope Francis knocks on heaven’s gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: “Welcome to live after death. What is your name?” The pope is slightly irritated and answers: “I am the pope.” “Pope who?”, Peter asks. “Pope Francis, you should know who I am!” the pope says, a bit upset. Peter looks into his book and says: “Hmm, I can’t find a Francis Pope in here. Are you sure you are at the right place?” The pope doesn’t understand what’s going on: “This must be a misunderstanding. I am the pope, god’s representative on earth!” Peter looks at him: “Oh. I’m not aware the boss sent somebody down to earth to represent him. Please wait a minute, I’m going to talk to him.”
So Peter goes to god’s throne and says: “Boss, there’s this guy at the door, he says his name is Pope and he insists he is your representative on earth. Do you know anything about that?” God answers: “I don’t know what he means. Maybe we could ask Jesus?”
So they call Jesus and tell him what’s going on. Jesus says: “I don’t know what this guy is talking about either, but I’m going to talk to him.” So he goes to heaven’s door to talk to the pope. A few minutes later he comes back, laughing: “Peter, you won’t believe this. Do you remember that fishing club we’ve founded back in our time? It still exists!”
I’m stealing the Pope joke, Prof. (devil smiley)
A lion escapes from the London Zoo and corners a young girl. A passing visitor from Liverpool sees what’s happening and thinking nothing of his own safety runs into the alleyway, tackles the lion, and despite a severe mauling, manages to get it in a choke hold until it dies. The headline in the next day’s London Times is “Liverpudlian Thug Murders Child’s Pet”.
Q: What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
A: Picket.
How do you spell Canada?
C-eh! N-eh! D-eh!
Tripler
I used to live in North Datkot-eh.
There was once a powerful witch doctor…
In order to keep the people of his colony in check he had a book of magic spells which he would use against any rebels. His favorite incantation was a spell that would turn anyone who rebelled against him into an apple. The people in the colony suffered under the witch’s reign for years, until one night they finally built up enough courage to steal the magic book of incantations. The people sent in a spy to grab the magic book but he could only grab one spell, that being the apple spell. The next day when the witch woke up the leader of the rebels got up and turned the witch doctor into an apple, thus freeing the people from his evil reign. But, the spell warns that if the apple changes in color or weight, that means that the spell is only temporary, and it will turn the apple back into a person. So the people decided that every day they would put the apple on a scale to make sure that he hadn’t gained weight, because as the old saying goes “A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple”
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my uncle did, not screaming like the rest of the people in his car.
Oh well: if we’re allowing Bob Monkhouse
‘They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now…’