[Well, I’m from Indiana, and we’re big on corn here.]
And three silent K’s in “Republican”.
He was much bigger in real life
You might Krakatoa
My dad was addicted to ladders
He kept using them to get high.
I did a really good data analytics project on car sales and types with really interesting plots. It was so good I think it made me famous.
People kept asking me for my auto graph
80 year old man goes into a Catholic confessional booth.
He says “Father, I’ve been making love to a beautiful 25 year old woman twice a day for the past 3 weeks.”
The priest says, “why are you telling ME this, Mr. Johnson? I happen to know you’re Presbyterian.”
“Hey, I’m telling everybody!”
It was impossible to put down
Chris Pratt
Because with great power comes, great response-ability.
That’s 5 years in a row now.
–
…Lunch is on me.
When the police questioned him on the appearance of the culprit, he did the reconstruction sketch himself.
The investigation went rather quickly. On the first day, the police had already arrested 3 handicapped people, 3 elderly women, 2 fish, and a sewing machine.
“That makes two of us.”
IT: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster, and save the file.
L’onlyfans
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
by Steve Hofstetter
Bernie Madoff just died.
You can be a pallbearer at his funeral, but only if you recruit 6 more pallbearers, who in turn recruit 6 more.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To see his friend Gregory Peck.
Q: Why did the hen go halfway across the road?
A: She wanted to lay it on the line.
Q. Why did the duck cross the road?
A. It was the chicken’s day off.
‘‘Dong, Ding Dong’’
The answer is ear elephant
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Alan replies, ‘No, Father! I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Alan. What is it?’
Alan asks, ‘Father, why do the kindest of girls begin their quest to change men after marriage?’
The Priest smiles and replied, 'Alan, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, her brain registers 3 stimuli. The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself
Didja hear about the fight in the seafood restaurant?
There were battered fish everywhere!
Tripler
I had to say it for the halibut.
“I’ve got a question for you,” he says. “We’ve been married a month now and as a good member of the chapel, I want the answer to a difficult question.”
“Oh yes Dai, what’s the problem?”
“Well, it’s like this… Is it all right to make love on a Sunday?”
The leader says that he would have to ask the bishop and promises an answer in a week.
“Well?” Dai says the following Saturday.
“The good news is that it’s okay, so long as you don’t enjoy it.”
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. ~Stephen Wright
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. ~Jack Handey
Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t go to yours. ~Yogi Berra
Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain’t so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. ~Mark Twain
“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.” ~Rodney Dangerfield
So I called her Bluff…
her [eating the last donut] : what you gonna use it for?
me [eating the last donut] : righting wrongs
I thought we had good alchemy
I said “Oh yeah of course. Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.”
“Nonsense” she said.
I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed.
Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.
We couldn’t afford a dog.
It has super low mileage - I only drive it from time to time!
So the librarian replied: “They’re right behind you.”
I asked the librarian about a new book about living with a small penis.
She told me she didn’t think it was in yet. 
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
You can walk barefoot on hot coals without burns because of the liedenfrost effect. If you do it in leather shorts, it’s the lederhosen effect.