“Congratulations!”, he says, “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replies, “at least I’m not a adult living in my father’s basement.”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke
World Book Day is okay but I’ll wait for World Movie Day to come out.
Well? Are you going to tell us what it… HEY!
Mary had a little lamb,
His fleece was black as soot,
And into Mary’s bread and jam
His sooty foot he put.
What has wings but can’t fly, fins but can’t swim, and heels but can’t walk?
Helsinki General Hospital. Riddle Of The Sphinx II: Sustained Release Riddlin'
Confucius did NOT say…
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
I remember my mom reciting that to me. So I guess it’s a Mom Joke.
I love these. Don’t forget “man who lose key to girlfriend’s apartment, get no new key.” Heard that one from Redd Foxx.
Man who walks sideways through airport turnstile is going to Bangkok.
I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
More Confucius:
My favorite Confucius is still the one I learned way back in grade school:
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger.
mmm
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally …
I assumed you had stolen the car.’’
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
~Jack Handey
Another Jack Handey:
Old people are like Slinkys, it’s so much fun when you push them down the stairs.
There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
I have a sore throat
But did he listen?
I try to be humble but I’m not very good at it. OR AM I?
Why is it…
…you park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?
…your feet smell and your nose runs?
…your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips…yet you can tiptoe but you can’t tipfinger?
…jail and prison are synonyms but jailer and prisoner are antonyms?
…you can transport something by car and call it a shipment, but you can transport something by ship and call it cargo?
…round pizzas are cut into triangular pieces and packaged in square boxes?
…there aren’t more synonyms for “thesaurus?”
The word “queue” is a q followed by four silent letters.
In the word “scent” is the s silent or the c?