I’ve started to invest in stocks.
Beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear
is sphere itself.
The three stages of sex in a marriage -
The first couple of years, it’s house sex - you have sex in any room in the house.
The next several years, it’s bedroom sex - you only have sex in the bedroom.
After that, it’s hall sex - you stand at opposite ends of the hall yelling “f*&^ you!”
They’re finally reopening the Lego store now that Covid restrictions are easing. But I wouldn’t go there on the first day; people will be lined up for blocks.
When I’m feeling lonely, I buy stock. It’s always nice to have some company.
Why did the music producer cross the road?
Because that’s what the Beatles did.
How do you feel about websites where people with similar interests share their opinions?
I’m forum!
Best Husband Ever!
The Perfect Husband: Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$95,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but you better offer $1,200,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
I am a master of forgery.
I have all the certificates to prove it.
What do koalas eat after a nuclear winter?
Apocalyptus
There are over 60,000 miles of arteries, veins and capillaries in the human body. If you took all of yours and laid them end-to-end,
You’d die.
If the girls from Somerville were all laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
Whereas if you laid all the bones, muscles etc of a snake from end to end…you’d have a snake.
You know, the Canadians squandered a great opportunity.
They could have had British culture, French cuisine and American technology.
Instead, they wound up with American culture, British cuisine and French technology.
I know I shouldn’t make fun of Canada… Someday Canada will rule the world, and then we’ll all be sorry.
sore-ee
It just occurred to me how surreal the act of reading is.
You sit there looking at slices of dead trees while hallucinating vividly for hours.
The barman says “Why the non-linear structure?”
Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.
I saw a man with a bucket on his head.
When I asked what he was doing, he explained “I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday.”
“But today is Tuesday,” I countered.
He blushed. “Oh no, I must look like such an idiot!”
I wish you were more wrong than you are.
I laughed way too hard at this one.
This must be the best version of this little joke. I’ll update the version I’ve been carrying around.
OK here’s a dumb contribution, thanks to the dad of my best friend in High School:
He who is lost, hesitates.
I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.
Then suddenly the penne dropped.
An artist’s wife starts having sex with him daily.
While a bit unusual, he didn’t question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.
“Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?”
“Of course!” he replied. “What would you like me to draw?”
“What you think our baby will look like.”
He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.
“What the hell is this?” she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no visible wounds.
“I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!” she repeated.
“And I got a vasectomy five years ago,” he said. “So I drew a blank.”
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so”.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
To have a successful relationship I will learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes to help others learn from them.
Two women are eating lunch together.
The first says “I have to be really careful that I don’t get pregnant.”
The second says “I thought your husband got a vasectomy.”
The first replies “Exactly.”
I’ve only been dating my girlfriend for a month, but she’s already 8 weeks pregnant. I want to know how I got magic sperm.
What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral?
In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd…
I’d have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.
One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.
So I went to a Lady and asked, “Why everybody is Silent Today?”
The Lady replied, “All Are Present Today.”
If prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, how did the first one get paid?
A married couple lived by a lake, and the husband loved to go fishing. One day, after he came back in his boat from a morning of fishing, he announced he was going to take a nap. His wife, though she hated fishing, thought it would be nice to take the boat out and read a book in the middle of the lake.
While she was reading and relaxing, a conservation officer came alongside and asked her “do you have a fishing license?” She said “no, but I’m just reading this book, I’m not fishing”.
He said “I’ll have to write you a ticket anyway. It’s a $200 fine”.
“But I told you I’m not fishing”.
“Well, you have the equipment. I have to assume you’re going to use it”.
So the woman says “in that case, I’m going to accuse you of rape”.
The officer says “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
She says “you have the equipment. I have to assume you’re going to use it”.
He let her go without a ticket.
Two ladies, old high school acquaintenances, cross paths in the city.
“Jane! How wonderful to see you! It must be 20 years!”
“Martha! You’re right! So, what have you been doing with yourself?”
“Well, after high school, Daddy sent me to Amhurst.”
“That’s nice.”
“While there, I met Reginald who was from old-money in England.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yes, we’re married. He’s one of the top brokers on Wall Street”
“That’s nice.”
“But enough about me. What have you been doing?”
“Well, after High School, I was forced to get a job as a receptionist, where I learned to say ‘That’s nice’ instead of ‘Fuck off, bitch!’”
This is pure genius.
Thanks, I thought of it myself